To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

It’s bullshit, isn’t it? That or someone who’s completely deluded and selfish.
Or a bored teenager….

https://www.glasgowlive.co.uk/news/history/remembering-glasgows-tacky-tub-party-26982738.amp

You might to look up for advice online on negotiation skills and how to influence others before restarting this conversation. ChatGPT can be quite good at directing you towards persuasive arguments and mutual understanding.

Your current approach of "this is good for me, but they don't want to go, but I want all of us to go, and i could force the children anyway. And this is what I want so everyone should agree" ...isn't going to cut it I'm afraid.

Unless what you're looking for is a divorce and children who hates your gut.

Top Hat
Paddington
Anything Goes
High Society
Kiss Me Kate
My Neighbour Totoro

(I’m not actually a huge fan of musical theatre, but off the top of my head. I accept that there are more roles for younger women, but they definitely exist. And there’s such a range of things on in the West End that I’d have thought it was a deeper pool in which to fish than anywhere else, Broadway included.)

I’ve checked too and Parental Responsibility can generally only be removed for the children’s safety through the father’s actions or by mutual agreement for adoption. OP doesn’t have to tell us the circumstances but the issue of PR does impact on her decisions.

For those people advocating OP goes on her own for a period of time, I’m not sure whether it would be appropriate for her to leave the children in this country if she is the only one with PR. Medical or similar emergencies fall to the people with PR and if you are thousands of miles away in a different time zone you aren’t readily hands on. If there is another person with PR, OP hasn’t mentioned them

May I remind people the expression is Parental Responsibility not Parental Rights ? PR gives the holder a level of rights but is more concerned with the responsibilities towards the child, their safety, education, health etc.

In the UK!?!? No he didn't

So not in OP’s position then, as she is insisting that wants to drag her family out with her, whether they want to or not.

My DH worked in the ME on 6 & 3s or 8 & 4s and we met up during his leave (and it was definitely arsing about in the desert but in a work capacity). When he got offered a permanent position in town he turned it down as no way would he bring the family out to a country where we’d be stuck and unable to do anything.

Thinking about it again, I 'll change to 'it depends' and "you might not be unreasonable".

It is the top place to be in your field. And there won't be that many chances for you later, as the big musical theatre roles have age limitations.
Be honest to yourself - is it a major role which can be really be a stepping stone, or very minor role which would allow you to tick a box that you got there?

As for the children's education and friends. The MN and maybe England in general have very particular views about what's the best for teenagers, but there are different models - in my country is a year abroad at high school generally supported, as the broader experience has value which following the specific learning path can't provide. Unless your children are on a very specific academic path, it might do them well.

Yes, the US is less stable, but it is a big country and the everyday risks maybe aren't that big.

I don't think I would make the move myself. I like to have reliable plans, and when I realised that I stopped considering a creative career for myself.

What I don't understand about this is that the OP says her DH gave up parental responsibility - if that is correct, it has to be court ordered and only happens exceptionally but it does happen. It's not something you can do easily because you want to.
But because the reasons have to be serious, he can't just come back into the children's lives and start living with them again. If there were serious enough reaons to strip him of parental responsibility then he shouldn't be near the children.
So something about this is very off.

I’m getting very frustrated with DH, he won’t even have a conversation about it now! I’ve tried to speak to him about it all multiple times today and he won’t even discuss it at all now!

Would you earn enough to cover all costs for all of you? New York is incredibly expensive to live in and although you say there are lots of jobs in NY for husband the reality is the job market in the US is tough right now - and that's without the complications on his visa status and starting from scratch there.

If you'll have a high paying job then a bit more understandable but do consider the current political climate too and whether it's suitable for your family.

That's because your plan is insane and will harm your family.

Go alone, or don't go. Do not tear your family from their lives. Don't be so selfish

She didn't say he isn't allowed to look after them alone, she said legally he can't stop her from taking them to the USA because he hasn't got parental responsibility for them. But that doesn't mean that he can't look after them anymore than a babysitter couldn't look after them or a grandparent etc. it just means that OP can make decisions for them without agreement from DH

I’m getting quite frustrated with you, tbh. And we’ve never even met.

If you want to take this role you will need to go by yourself. Only you know how important the role is to your career.

Good for him 👏

Is it "Call me Madam"?

What's to talk about? He's said he doesn't want to go, the kids don't want to go. Does he actually need to give any reason further than "I don't want to uproot all of our lives".

It was a bit shitty that he said to go for the audition, but I'm presuming he probably did so under the assumption that you wouldn't get the part and that it was just a pipe dream.

In that case, DH and family could come visit her. But also, it seems a Broadway season has shows opening and closing throughout the year, with clusters of openings at popular times. Family visits are do-able.

😂😂😂

I haven’t read the thread properly I’ll confess. But read the OP posts and I can understand your frustration. You had a discussion, he was supportive and now you have a fantastic opportunity. You don’t want to throw away your shot, if you’ll excuse that phrase. I also don’t understand why people are railing about you dragging your family away from their lives etc. It’s a great regret of mine we didn’t take up past opportunities to live and work abroad and now cannot. Someone will always have something negative to say about any place. It’s not so amazing here that it’s impossible to leave for time spent in another place.
however, as a practical matter, if he has changed his mind (which - is it fair to say - he has form changing his mind about major life commitments so this is a fairly minor u turn in comparison to what’s gone before) plus the kids are the age they are and very resistant, it’s going to be really hard for you to effect this move as a family.

Probably because you won't listen?

Yabu to up root them for an 18 month contract and also one that could close after a few weeks.

Why can you go and come home every month or two for the 18 months? You will know better whether you love New York or if your career will take off over there. Lots of women and men do this and make their relationships and family work successfully.

Where is it you want to move to, I’m not sure you’ve said?

Well it sounds like he considers the issue closed.