To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

If the OP is genuine I really don't believe that she has gone into the realities and implications of moving the entire family over to New York.

Finances
Children's education
Husband's job
Job security
Visas

I think she is living in cloud cuckoo land.

But they don't want to go so you need to accept that. Your choice is to go on your own or not go.

Why can't you go to NY short-term?

I know it’s an exciting opportunity for you but I wouldn’t uproot my kids education, and I wouldn’t want to leave my kids at home and not see them for ages- especially the 11 year old.

Going against the grain here but YANBU. Broadway is a fantastic opportunity to progress in your career. You might not get another as big. It’s sad that your career is being hindered due to being a mother when your kids are now 11 and 14.

If you were the dad, there’d be no question about your career being prioritised.

Could you not go over, and your family visit during the school holidays?

I've not read the full thread only OP's posts.

You are taking a 14 year old to a different country for 18 months. Those 18 months I believe are quite crucial in progression towards their GCSEs. How is this going to work if the contract finishes after 18 months? How is that child going to take their GCSE's or get back into the English schooling system when they come back.

Sorry OP I think it's the wrong time to be doing this

It does seem a lot of effort to get the opportunity to do some jazz hands 😂

Whilst he should have been clear from the start about whether he would move or not - he is entitled to change his mind. Equally you are entitled to feel pissed off he misled you.

You could insist the children go, however I can’t believe you are seriously thinking about uprooting a 14yo from school/ exams/ friends for 18months. The school system is so different she would effectively have to start again. Whilst you can exercise your PR the 14yo legally would have a voice, especially if she was happy to live with relatives (her Dad) while you were gone.

The only option is that you go and come back regularly to see the family. In all honesty having visited America many times, and really enjoyed every stay - there is no way on this earth I would move/visit now.

Bored teenager? AI? Inadequate answers not dealing with key issues or facing reality. Hmmmm......

It's a huge opportunity if you are single or in a relationship where you both want to travel and don't have children or have younger children whose education is not going to be disrupted

Good luck to your DD it's a really tough industry to be in

You have to write out a plan of all the pros and cons for moving. Then make a plan for where you're going to live, what job your DH will get and the schools your DC will go to. Make sure you do your due diligence for where you will be moving to and the level of crime ect for the area. You have to sell it to your family if they're going to agree to up tooting their lives to NY.

short answer you cannot insist.

Except that isn’t going against the grain. Many/most people have suggested that she goes over and that they visit (even her family). The OP is insisting that they must all move there - that is what people are saying is making her unreasonable.

Is this was the dad writing I would still think they are being unreasonable. The entire family does not want to go.

Also you have not gone against the grain - you have mirrored everybody else: she will need to go without them.

Youre joking arent you? If the DH was "insisting" he make his family move against their wishes hed be roasted alive!

Sorry uprooting your family for an 18 month contract in showbiz is nuts.

You can’t just “give up” parental responsibility for your children so something significant has happened with the DH. I wonder if he suddenly realises that his history means he won’t get a visa anyway and if protecting his ego?

I hate to break this to you but your DH never wanted to move. He's seen you getting excited about an audition and reasoned 'no way I'm moving but she probabaly won't get this so why shut it down prematurely and look like the bad guy'

It feels a lot to uproot the family when you haven't experienced any of it yet.

What about you go out until the end of this term? Get established, learn about accommodation etc, and then everyone comes over at Easter with a view to making it permanent.

If at the end of that they still don't want it, what's the minimum length you can do with your contract?

I think if you want this you have to leave them in the short term, even if you all make the move longer term.

It’s not just the costs of living in NY. What about your housing in UK- if you own a property there will be costs of finance, bills etc to cover while it’s empty. If you rent you’ll have to come up with a deposit etc when you come back into a shrinking rental market. You could literally end up homeless.

Sorry I've not RTFT just OP's posts but is your DH legally able to work in the US? It's not straightforward. I've got a colleague moving there for 2 years and his spouse won't be allowed to work there, nor can she continue to work remotely for her home employer due to tax laws.

What about his ability to get work when he gets back?

How would you have felt at 14 to leave your home, friends, school and uproot to a strange country for 18 months and then do the same when you come back?

You and DH should have discussed all of this before you auditioned. I agree he shouldn't have told you to go ahead but to be honest I'm surprised you are even considering it if you're not prepared to go alone.

Edited for typos

There definitely aren’t lots of musical theatre roles (as opposed to straight acting roles) for women aged 40+. If you think there are, please give us the name of 3 recent shows.

Really? So you've got a leading role? 🤔

You can't uproot your 14 year old right before they start studying their GCSE subjects. YABU to even consider it.

Go alone or don't go but moving the kids shouldn't be an option.

But it's not your decision, OP. If the children were small you would arrange it and it would be hard luck if they didn't like it, but even your youngest is almost too old for that approach, and your oldest and DH certainly are.