To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Completely agree although I suspect OP is hoping this role opens doors to other US based roles.

Sorry, op. It sounds like a great opportunity for you so I understand it will be upsetting for you but moving your DC at these ages would be incredibly selfish.
Even if they were younger, the US is not a place you'd want to move to currently under the Trump administration.

I'd have to let this job go

Manhattan and the states in general are really expensive. Eg flat white in Starbucks cost 6.25 dollars 4 years ago. Cheapest Glass of wine in a restaurant about 20 dollars including service. A burrito and a coke in a dirty fast food restaurant would cost 20 dollars.

Anyone who has their parental responsibility revoked shouldn’t even be near children? Why on earth are you letting him near the children?

I had to do the same and that monster is never allowed near us again or to know where we live.

Would your DH easily get a visa though? The US isn't exactly immigrant-friendly right now.

This exactly. I think it’s so fucking typical that the OP feels the need to stress she’d never abandon her children - when that’s not what she is doing at all, but presumably she feels the need to say this as it is so ingrained that the mother is the primary carer no matter what, when thousands of fathers think nothing of leaving their partners and children to work away from home throughout the year or for extended periods.

Why is that more acceptable?

Unless the father is incapable of caring for the kids and they would suffer, why is their a perception (or fear at least) of being viewed as a shit mother for pursuing your career, when fathers do this all the time and usually benefit by their partners going part time or wfh/ sahm in order to care for their JOINED children??

It sounds like the children would suffer more by being uprooted to a country that’s in crisis when they are presumably more than happy where they are.

If the trip would last a long time there are ways to come back or visit, and of course there’s video calls now. It seems like you’re fortunate enough to have an emotionally mature husband who is supportive and is fine with looking after their kids full time while you pursue your dream. Be extremely grateful, many men wouldn’t be.

I think this isn't just about your DH though is it, you say the children do not want to go either. What are their reasons for not wanting to go?

OP, you are not wrong to want this, but you seem to just keep repeating yourself, without finding a way to resolve it.

You either need to go on your own and come back for vists/they visit you, or you need to give up on your dream. I don't see how you can force your DH to go.

Who knows the reason. It says he gave it up, not that it was revoked so it isn’t necessarily the same situation as yours. She hasn’t suggested he is a monster in any way.

It is certainly quite mysterious but it doesn’t seem that OP is going to explain further.

How long ago were the conversations about the audition, going for it etc? If they were before the last few months' of craziness in the States I can see why he would have changed his mind.

Do you realise that doing this at the start of or part way through gcses could really fuck things up for your 14 yo? If you return after 18 months (maybe more/maybe less) in a different system then what? Also consider the implications for Uni. Not being a full time resident in the UK for (some of) the preceding years could affect their ability to access student finance or be eligible for UK fees.

As for your DH not having parental responsibility, I am pretty sure he could get this reinstated if they are his kids, particularly if you have all been living as a family for a few years.

Can you explain why CountryBumpkin22. Why particularly not girls?

GO! Your H and kids can come visit, maybe then they will think differently.

its your time, its 18m, take the opportunity

The deal breaker is that your children don’t want to go. Your approach is very black and white, all or nothing. If this role is crucial for your career you should take it, leave the family in London and make it work with short breaks and extended holidays for the family in New York or back home. New York in these circumstances is so doable for a long weekend.

And please do tell, how you’re going to force a grown man to move a whole other country with you?
madness.

I'd imagine this past week has changed how a lot of people view the US particularly in terms of actually moving there....
Besides that, did you do all the practical checks before auditioning eg you say DH 'should' be able to get a job there, what's involved in him getting a working visa and costs of that? Can you support the whole family on your income until/if he gets a job? Will you have good health insurance that will cover everyone as soon as you move?
What is the plan re renting a property to live in, do you have ideas where you want to live, how much does that cost, what are the differences between renting in US and UK, will you have to furnish a property?
Where will the children go to school, public or private, how good are the public schools in the areas you are looking to/can afford to rent in? What stage of schooling will your children be in when the leave for the US and when they come back in 18 months, will they be returning in exam years, will they be able to blend back into UK system without gaps in their learning

Have a look at what’s been going on re abortions, miscarriages, birth control. Then look at the religious right and the movement around women staying out of the workforce.

Yes, this is New York not Alabama, but still. The US not currently known as a beacon for women’s rights.

Life in New York is very expensive, I don’t think you understand this. I would never move a whole family on the hope that your husband “likely” will find work and for a temporary contract.
especially with kids - do you understand the school situation there, cost of healthcare and if you stay there cost of higher education? It’s expensive even for very high earners.

go there for 18 months and travel home every couple of weeks

I work for a large international group and a few times I’ve been asked to consider a NY move for a stint. The only way I would even consider moving a 14 year old short term would be to a British International school so they follow the UK curriculum. Even then if you came home mid path doing GCSEs would be tremendously difficult. Oh and from a quick google you’re looking at $65k per annum.

I am team DH.Wild horses couldn´t drag me to the U.S.

I think this is crazy.

I have known loads of people leave the UK for work but were generally talking about very high paying jobs which will mean they can make the move as seamless as possible - nice houses, private schools if necessary - as well as indefinite contracts. 18 months only is terrible - I know it’s probably normal in that line of work, but sending teenagers to a different school system that will take months/ years to adjust to, leaving their friends, family etc .. all to leave again in 18 months. The likelihood is this could affect their schooling and prospects long term.

The people I have known leave have done it with their children’s wellbeing top priority. They check multiple schools before they commit, they don’t move during critical schooling years - usually going during primary only.

I don’t think you can expect 3 people to drop everything for this role.

Also, OP must bear in mind that if you live abroad in the three years prior to UCAS applications for uni in the UK, you will count as an overseas student even if you hold UK citizenship. Overseas tuition fees are prohibitively high!

OP - do your children plan to go to university? Because if they haven’t lived in the UK for the three years prior to going they are likely to be charged overseas fees. That will be extortionate. I believe they would also be unlikely to get student loans.

Their reasons for not wanting to move are literally just that they don’t want to go and that they want to stay in the UK, they haven’t given any other detailed reason

That's fair enough and I wouldn't be suggesting they moved if they want to stay in the UK.

If you force them with your rights of 'parental responsibility', you will almost certainly screw up your relationship with them long term and probably mess up the 14 year olds education which isn't the actions of a loving rational mother.

What will you do if they physically refuse to get on the plane? Run away? Tell the school they don't want to leave?

Presumably your DH could get back his parental rights. If he is their biological father and you are together then I can’t imagine you’d have strong grounds to stand in his way if he took it back to court.

however aside from that mess. Can you book a short trip there for everyone now (would be costly but could be worth it) to try and sell NYC to them. They could all end up loving it and want to do it for the 2 years.