To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

It sounds like all "me,me,me". I wouldn't want to move on a whim on something like this either.

Personally, I'd seriously consider moving there on my own for the 18 months of the contract. Men do this all the time!

If you have ruled that out, then I think you need a proper conversation with DH and the DC to make sure there is no slight bit of hope that they will change their minds. And I'd ask the DC what they would want me to do, and what they would do it they were me. It's a good opportunity to talk to them about careers, families, and compromises.

But that’s exactly what the husband suggested so I don’t see why you’re slagging him off.

What he’s objecting to is her taking the kids with her, at a critical time in their schooling, against their will, for a job that’s only going to last 18 months and may end even sooner.

Far from being a “misery guts” I think he’s being very sensible.

As an aside:
Whilst there are some questionable aspects to the story

The idea that someone might not be a big name because they work as an usher between shows isn't that unbelievable. Unless you are a huge name, you can be recognisable and still have to work jobs like ushering, shop assistant, coffee shop etc

I work with a few people who definitely get recognised but are doing the job between gigs

The 14 year old is about to choose GCSE options and the 11 year old is either year 6 or 7

No wonder they don't want to go

Oops! But that is the only thing you picked up on in my entire post??? My thoughts still stand.

I cannot believe that anyone other than the Star of The Show would get paid enough to support a family of 4 in NY.

Plus even if they did all uproot themselves so you can follow your dream you'd hardly see them! You'll be performing, rehearsing or asleep!!

Your children are the wrong age to move them, especially for such a short period of time. Primary school, fine, secondary school, no way.

Your DH would struggle to get a working visa and if he does manage it, it will take almost as long to get as your 18 month run.

Living costs and schooling is insane in NYC. I seriously doubt you and your family would have anything like the same standard of living there as in London.

Ultimately, you can’t make your family go. Previous court hearings regarding your children don’t prevent your DH from initiating future court hearings.

If I were you and this was important for my career I would go without them and visit often as it’s only a 6-7 hour flight. It’s only 18 months. It’s not abandoning them. It’s showing your kids that women’s careers matter. 18 months will fly by.

Even if your husband initially agreed to consider a move to New York, but has now changed his mind - you can't force him to move. Yes, I completely understand you're upset and frustrated, who wouldn't be.

If your husband doesn't have parental responsibility for the children, then yes you could force the children to come with you. However, it would be the end of your marriage and you'd have two very unhappy, distraught children on your hands, who would be unlikely to forgive you.

You need to look into the ability for your husband to be able to work. How easy would that be?? New York is very expensive city to live in, not just in rental prices but the cost of living too. What are the schools like? How easy would it be for your children to integrate? Your daughter is 14, so she's likely Year 9/10 at school, so she's getting towards her crucial years education wise. If you had to come back to the UK from the US, how easy would it be for her to slot back into school with GCSES??? I think that could be tough for her.

Personally, if you want to go (and it's an amazing opportunity), you need to go solo for at least 6 months. There's no point in uprooting the entire family, if the production closes down within 6 months. You have no way of knowing if this is likely or not. I appreciate you don't want to leave your family behind, but the reality is, you can't have it all ways. Your husband and children don't want to move to the US, and you can't force them.

It's disappointing your dh has changed his mind, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to force him to move. I'm also very interested to see how you intend to force teenagers to move who don't want to. Regardless of the legality, I assume they would just refuse to go with you and stay with their df tbh.

I understand this job is important to you, but it's too much to ask for your whole family to prioritise you over their own wishes. So, either go and commute back, or don't go.

I'm afraid I am with your dh. I wouldn't uproot a whole family especially with those at the stage of school yours are at for a temporary 18 month contract in any industry (and I have a dd in yours!)

I agree it's frustrating that he agreed to it before, did he maybe think it was unlikely you would get the part or something?

How much will you be earning?

24 pages and everyone seems to have forgotten than op will insist

Pulling your children out of school and away from their friends at their ages to go do a musical that may or may not last the entire 18 months' run, let alone get extended, is so short-sighted. Musicals close early all the time due to drawing losses.

If my mum insisted I went, and it ended fucking up my schooling, I'd be so incredibly resentful of her. Just bloody go on your own, you have that option.

I think people are hoping she will either start to see things from her family point of view.

Not expecting an update though

It just is unreasonable to expect your husband and kids to uproot and move halfway across the world if they don't want to. Doesn't matter how good the opportunity is for you. Sorry.

As some one who has moved country several times with kids due to a spouses job...

You need to listen to your children and understand them. For us, it became clear when our eldest was 9 that it was extremely unsettling for her. Just even the thought of moving. So we bought a house, DH continued his career (but just moving around the UK) and DDs have bloomed.
They would be devasted if we tried to move now (14&12).. they have plans and dreams of their own, which mean they need the right qualifications. They have their extracurricular activities that are helping them grow as people.

For now, they are the priority.

OP, do you think that famous actors uproot their whole families every time they get a short-term job somewhere? That every time a Hollywood star goes off to film a new movie they make their kids move schools for the duration? Of course they don’t.

If you want to go, go. On your own. Don’t rip the kids out of their whole lives for something that’s only going to last a year and a half (and that’s without the very real risk of the show being a flop and closing early).

What if there are no places at their old school when you return to Britain? What if they fail their GCSEs because they did a completely different curriculum while they were away? I can’t believe you’re not concerned about these things. Leave them home with their father. They can come and spend the school holidays with you which will be an amazing adventure for them without losing the life they have now.

It would depend on what type of role it is as well. Starring role could be a career changer.

However your family don't want to move and no amount of talking to them will change that I suspect. Go on your own and they can visit you and you can visit them. If you can't do that then you'll have to turn the role down unfortunately.

Other matters aside, would you be earning enough for the NY cost of living for a family? Hardly a cheap place to,live! As for your dh working, a work permit is not something you can pick up whenever you feel like it! Have you not read about Trump cracking down on ‘illegals’?

TBH, OP, you do sound a bit clueless.

Even if it were a starring role it’s only short term and thus not sensible to uproot the family for. I think she should take it and commute monthly.

Did you drag your reluctant family to live in a ME town whilst you arsed around in the desert for 4 months at a time, or did you leave them settled in their home country?

Go to NYC for the duration of the contract and make regular return visits to your DH and children in the UK. How regular those visits will be depends on your budget. The time will fly past and your children will adapt. It is not worth relocating permanently to the US for a job that has such a limited duration.

Many major British actors have 'tried' living in the US but it hasn't worked out long-term for them or their families, so they end up coming back. Obviously for some, it does work out and they stay in the US, but it's very unwise to make that assumption up front, uproot the whole family to move to the US, and then have to move back to the UK and rebuild your life here.

I speak as someone who has worked extensively in the US and ended up coming back. Fortunately returning was relatively easy as I didn't set down permanent roots there, uproot my family, etc.

I wouldn't move a 14 year old. She will be doing gcse soon and needs to be in the UK

How do you think OP would be able to make regular visits home? Come off stage at 11pm on Saturdays and get home and back in time to perform on Monday? After 8 performances a week? It’s not like an office job…