To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

The visa issue is much more complicated than you think OP. It's not just about getting a job, there are limited amounts of work visas and they're increasingly restricting them in the current anti immigration drive. I in the past have had a company sponsoring me for a visa and still didn't get it as they'd reached the national annual cap (and this was in much more open times). Your DH was excited by the prospect but the reality is more complicated - that's annoying but you can't hold him to something like this.

I also think it's an enormous amount of upheaval for something that may not last. And while you might be able to try and 'insist' the children go, are you planning to literally drag them on to a plane?

Sorry, but my view is that all other issues are borderline irrelevant when men are claiming to be women and women don't have language, spaces or rights away from men. Language, spaces and rights away from men are the solid ground which you need to be stood on in order to have any other rights.

Perhaps best we agree to disagree?

If you want to take the job you're going to have to go by yourself. Surely you must know that this is part of the job if you're in the musical theatre world? Most people don't upheave their whole lives for short term contracts.

You're going to be working 6 days a week, way into the night, so you're not going to have time to be around for your kids anyway. Just rent a room cheaply in NYC and keep your house in the UK.

What a selfish arse your husband is. He was enthusiastic through the audition and negotiating stage then he bottles out and gets the children on his side. The bastard can't cope with your success.
When we were first married. I had to go and work in Middle East on single man terms. We were not in a city but in the desert. I was away for 4 months at a time then home for 2 weeks. Not ideal but it worked. Kids were happy. No problems after.
I suggest you go on solo basis and then review the situation after a few months. Slightly difficult with a 14 y old and selecting subjects but not a serious problem.
If you have a good time they might want to join in.
YES, you go for it. Don't let misery guts husband stop good opportunities for you all.

@TheCoralBear ,

I'll start by acknowledging that I think it was ill advised of your husband to say go for it, and then when you got it, give an outright no, without explanation but maybe he didn't want to hold you back and now the reality has hit home, he just can't face it, that is only human.

But you aren't giving much information here except for your desire to go further your career in the USA and so it would be helpful if you could answer a few questions.

Has your family ever been to the States?

Just a thought but maybe your husband looked at working visa's in the USA and found issues that could be problematic i.e. he needs a job offer from a USA company to qualify, does your husband have a criminal record, or is he a member of any, shall we say, less popular groups or societies that may affect his right to enter the USA. Does anyone have any medical needs or special needs and if so how will you fund this in the states? Do you have significant savings that will fund this move, do you own your home or rent and if you own it, will you need to sell it to fund this as stuff like this could be financially difficult for your family?

How old are your kids? I wouldn't be looking to move if they were in high school as the different curriculum could compromise their achievements in the short term.

Also does DH have a career that would be affected by temporarily moving to NY because if I am honest this does not sound like a temporary move.

Finally and I understand why you may not want to explain this, but I also suspect that the fact your DH gave up his parental rights suggests there is another whole issue here that may affect the rationale for this move and you are really asking us to offer advice with a massive big part of the picture missing.

Apparently, according to the OP, the husband can’t do this because he ‘gave up his parental rights’

Yeah, I know.

I don't think you can blame your DH for not wanting to go even if he seemed open to it during the audition. It's a big change and sometimes people don't really think it through until it becomes a reality.
But I think he's the one who is putting your DC first here. They don't want to go and I don't blame them. Firstly because at their ages they are settled at school, with friends etc. Changing to a new country, new school setup, different exam pathways etc is so huge. You could be doing real harm to your DC's chances of doing well in the future. You'd be effectively sacrificing their futures for your own short term enjoyment. That's a big price for them to pay.
But also, who wants to move to the US at the moment. The whole country is descending into chaos. It could get a whole lot worse too.
And the school system out there. School shootings are real and far too frequent. No way would I uproot my DC to somewhere they have to use metal detectors at the school doors. Not to mention the cost of college/university.
It's unfortunate that you have a great opportunity and that it doesn't work for you unless your family uproot their lives and follow you. But I think you're being terribly selfish even considering it.
No, there isn't anyway this is going to work out well for your family. If you insist the DC go with you you're just making trouble between you and them that may never be fixed. That you'd even consider it is extremely concerning.
Think about how you'd feel if it was the other way round and your DH wanted to do this. Or if your parents had tried to do it to you.

I agree. And how long will this role last? What if you don't get another good one afterwards? If you must take it, leave the family at home.

You sound totally narcissistic. Clearly there has been a traumatic past for the kids too so you are being massively selfish to even consider this.

This reminds me of a thread a few years ago when a poster excitedly declared she was moving to Japan. Gentle questioning revealed she had no job lined up, hadn't considered visa/financial implications, had never visited and couldn't speak the language (she loved anime I think). There seems to be a similar level of credulousness about the practicalities of the situation.

The kids ages are literally in the first sentence!

That's got to be the worst possible take. Well done you

it's serious but she's not talking about moving to Alabama, it's New York

Oh, bore off!

”biggest threat to women’s rights right now…”
Listen to yourself. You JK Rowling minions get right on my tits.

Have some perspective and stop punching down.

You can’t ‘insist’ that a fully grown adult just up sticks and move to New York! Wow!

The OP said that he was happy to do it (and suggested it). Just that she could veto it and force the kids to come with her because he "gave up his parental rights" (please know I am doing a matching eyeroll in agreement with you).

I agree! Having been on the other end it's so awful for students when they and their parents haven't realised this - especially the part about paying international fees

Congrats OP on getting the role, it must be a dream come true.

As someone who has dragged my (much younger) kids across continents for my job, I think you COULD make this work but you need to be more sensitive to your family's needs and feelings.

First off, you need to be understanding that, while disappointing that your husband changed his mind, it's his prerogative to do so and is probably just because it feels real now and unmanageable. Also totally reasonable that your kids don't want to move to another country and lose all their friends.

I would accept that you would have to go out initially alone but work up a plan for them to join you once established on the basis that :

• it would only be for a term or max one year
• You can set out a clear plan of where they'd live and what school they'd go to
• you can address their concerns about curriculum and GCSEs
• You can promise frequent-ish trips back to the UK (Christmas?)
• You have a much clearer idea of DH job prospects (including how it would impact his UK job on return)

If it's only for a very short time it can be an adventure. But speak to people who have lived in NY with kids - it's CRAZY expensive, you pay for so many things that would be free in the UK so doing anything costs money. Will your salary really cover all this?

Good luck

Are you sure your DH can work on a spouse visa? I didn't think that was possible but I haven't looked into it for a while. What visa are you going to be on?

I think it's a horrible age to move children to be honest, especially for that length of time. It's going to mess up their education because the systems are so different, unless you keep them in the UK system. It's a pretty rotten age to take them away from their friends as well.

What's the money like? Is it a big part? If you can realistically live in New York on that salary, fly home fairly regularly and not need to contribute to the finances at home I think that's something to consider.

The end game is all states, not just places like Alabama. This is only the beginning. It’s clearly spelled out in the Project 2025 manifesto.

This is irrelevant to the thread but it's genuinely worrying that your so anti-trans people that you think they are a bigger thread to women than anything else including:
Women's bodily autonomy being removed and them being treated as mere incubators for babies
Women's health taking a step back
The lack of support for women in the workplace

Retired secondary headteacher here: as many on this thread have said, plonking a 14 year old down into the American education system and then trying to shove her back into GCSEs in Y11 most certainly IS a serious problem.

This whole scenario is utter fantasy, however.

They dont want to go.

You should go (depending on what... level of superstardom you are) and come back for visits and they join you for holidays etc

I’m sorry, but that sounds incredibly selfish and entitled. You have no more parental responsibility than your husband so you cannot exercise your rights over his, especially when your kids don’t want to go and he seems to be the only one listening to that.

Yes, right.
Off you pop to New York.
Your family stays here.
You don't "insist" on anything.