To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

It's infuriating that your husband supported you at audition but now won't consider moving, however you can't force him. Even if you do as you say and 'insist' you all move - how will you enforce that? The only option I can see is that you go on your own and they fly out to you for visits. This is your dream, not theirs. Your family are entitled to say no.

Also. I'd rather shit a sticklebrick (into my hands then clap) than move to the States right now.

You see on many threads, many won’t even countenance a holiday there. It was the same last year. Which seems OTT to me

Maybe they're taking a stand against what they see going on.

Growing up abroad, several countries because of dads job was fun, really good fun and gave us all confidence and to see the world a little bit. Of course there are pitfalls to it (mainly education systems) but the experience was really positive for us children. However, mum after 13+ years didn't want to travel anymore and we came back to the UK, but my dad accepted several contracts overseas so he went alone.

In all honesty OP, it started with us missing him, but then he'd come back after being away 6 months for a visit or in between jobs, try to change how we did things with mum, bark orders at us, he also expect us to be exactly what we were like when he left - but children grow up so fast! It became that we preferred it when he wasn't at home at all. One of my brothers was badly affected by dad being away, mum told us years later than the little boy, who used to shadow his dad and worship him, became sullen, withdrawn and unhappy when he wasn't around, despite her best attempts. He also never regained that relationship with dad when he came home for good.

It's risky leaving them behind if you are thinking about it and if the family really do not want to go then you're stuck making a very difficult decision. In all honesty, I don't think you can force them to go.

…..I’m not just going to abandon my children…

So you can’t go then can you.

You can’t force your husband and children to leave their home and drag them kicking and screaming to a new culture, home, schools and non existent job just because you want to go, and have a job lined up. What in the world makes you think you can do that ? Where are the accommodation and school guarantees, paperwork, health insurance, work visas, ….even if they were willing to go ?

Going to the USA at the moment is very high risk, even for a holiday.
You must face the reality OP. You just aren’t thinking straight at all.

75% of your family don't want to move. So if you won't go alone then you all stay. It's not easy to give up on your ambitions but the choice you make is either to put your family first or yourself.

Come on you can’t blame them. Your 14 year old just starting gcse too. What an upheaval for them. Many people get excited about the idea of change and then reality kicks in and it doesn’t seem a good idea so it’s normal your husband feels like that. Why don’t you look at it like a short term contract. Many parents work away temporary. Tell yourself you’ll do the 18 months with lots of visits home and then to you. Eighteen months will fly by. You can have FaceTime to support homework , chats etc… lots of weekend visits. If after day three months it’s not working as a family can you end your eighteen month contract to go home?

OP I understand your disappointed and do think your dh should have been honest at the start when you applied.

However he and your children dont want to go so its not just him. Your children are not babies. One is of the age that he is sitting exams in the next couple of years so moving him now could do incredible damage to his education.

Also even though your dh has no parental rights as he gave them which in itself is seriously strange he could take legal action to reinstate his parental rights and block you from moving the children to the USA. At there ages a judge will most likely want to know what they want. They definitely will ask the child over age 12 as they have legal rights from that age. If they say they dont want to go to the USA a judge is unlikely to rule against that because its not in there best interest.

Finally I understand this is your dream but its yours not there's. I have read your posts and its all me, me, me. You dont seem to considering what is best for your children and what they want at all whilst your dh does seem to be aware of this. Do not try and drag your unwilling children half way around the world and uproot there whole life to follow your dreams. Wait a few years and do it when they are older. Also at this point Trump is threatening to invade Greenland and arming his military for it. Why would you knowingly take your children into such an unsettled country.

American here, no, simply because you won’t be able to afford a good quality family life on a starving artist’s salary.

You would need at a minimum a 2 bedroom apartment (and back in the noughties when I lived in New York, that cost $2500 a month in a dodgy neighbourhood, I literally had a hostel for offenders recently released from prison opposite me and shootings in the area were not uncommon).

You couldn’t just plunk your dc down in the US public school system in New York. There’s a reason why parents who can’t afford private school leave the city. You’d need to finance private school for both. And that’s before you get to screwing up their exam schedules.

I won’t even get into the cost of health insurance and private healthcare.

It sounds like a wonderful opportunity and something to consider, but bring the kids over on the school holidays and keep life stable for them.

Go for a year then come back. You won't get this opportunity again. You can fly out in between. Many men work abroad so why can't you

It's just too short a contract to justify moving continents. I recently started a new three year contract and we're not moving even for that because it would be stupid both financially and in terms of our life stability. If it's important to you, and I understand why it would be, then you should go alone and see your family as often as is feasible.

I’m from ‘Not In The UK’. My entire education experience from age 11 - 25 (phd) was dependent upon government scholarships and studentships and other institutional scholarships. It’s no picnic.

This is a daft thread but a fascinating side-discussion!

Let it go.
Let it go.

Yes, of course you're being wildly unreasonable. Apart from the upset of moving overseas in general, who in their right mind would go to the USA at the moment? It's no surprise that your husband has 'changed his mind' as the USA is changing so rapidly at the moment, it's very reasonable to back out of something that once seemed ok. Also, working in the US has long-term repercussions for your tax situation, long after you return home, so make sure you're up on that before you go.

Surely the engagement may only be for a few weeks or months? Why would you disrupt everyone (work, schools etc) for such a short period of time?

By all means go alone, because it's a great opportunity. You wouldn't be "abandoning your children", you would be leaving them in the capable care of their other parent. They can come over for a visit in the school holidays.
And you can't "insist" that other people do anything, tbh.

Could you make it work between two countries for 18 months? Holidays with you in NY, long weekends home in the UK etc.
14 is a terrible age to change schooling systems.

It is very simple.

You either give up the role, or you give up living with your DC and DH for the duration.
Which one do you want to give up?

Because you cannot keep nagging your DH to change his mind without damaging your relationship.
(Let alone damage the DC education by actually taking them).

If you move a 14 year old abroad now, she will never get GCSE’s. You can’t just disregard this.

You sound like a stage-struck teenager. I agree that your DH should not have agreed to you applying for the job and you all moving if you got it, and then changed his mind, but perhaps he thought you almost definitely wouldn't get the job anyway and thought it was the easiest way to stop you banging on about it.

Quite apart from the desirability or otherwise of moving to the US while they are in their current state politically, of course your children don’t want to move to a different country and a different educational system at their age, especially the teenager. You don’t seem to be considering them at all, and it sounds like their home situation is already complicated.

So you’re only considering your DH feelings in this and not your kids?

It is entirely reasonable for him to change his mind at any time for whatever reason. Now the reality of it is set in, and further escalating of issues in the US / Trump’s actions, would make me very very nervous of a move too. And that has definitely got stronger in the last few weeks. I have declined a work trip to the US in May because it just feels so wrong there at the moment.

It is very unreasonable to uproot everyone (particularly the children) when your show may only run a few weeks or months?! It would be a madness. Go and see how it goes for the first month, then decide.

Would you also like to move your family to 1930’s Germany?

The sensible choice is to go on a solo basis and fly back and forth every few weeks. See how it works out and if there is a long term opportunity in you in the USA [if it hasn't descended into civil war by the mid-term elections]. If everyone visits a few times, they may come around or this may give you the platform you need to get bigger roles in the UK.

At 11 & 14, your kids need to be in stable schooling. Slightly different if your finances allow for private schooling, oodles of tutoring and the ability to slot back into the UK system or maintain it but I think you have missed your window at their ages.

Plenty of very famous actors/actresses maintain their family in one location and travel for work. It can be done if your DH is on board and finances will allow for frequent travel, housekeeping and other stuff to help with the hamster wheel of it.

This…. It’s quite possibly the worst age to move a teen abroad imo

Your DH probably didn't think the downsides through earlier because even if you're an excellent performer there's still a lot of luck to getting an offer and very few performers are that luck, not even excellent ones. A move to America is an exciting idea and he didn't need to think about any practical downsides before the offer. But most likely some of the potential downsides have hit him now.

You need to do the work yourself to understand the practicalities about visas, work for DH, schools for the children, medical care, housing. Not just expect your husband to do it for you and then explain it to you. You need better than "we'll just rock up and hope for the best".

It sounds as if what you really want is for everyone to feel just as excited as you feel about you about being offered the role and them possibly going to America...

... and then for everyone to feel just as disappointed as you do that it doesn't work out in reality.

Reproductive threats due to the overturning of Roe vs Wade are very serious. ObGyns are moving out of states with strict laws. This affects access to smear test cancer screening, antenatal care, etc for all women. Stop playing down the backtrack of 50 years.

It’s all I, I, I

your DC’s don’t want go, that should be enough