To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Gender ideology is as bad for women and LGB people in the UK as it is the US

AI or a kid.

Personally I think that it is unreasonable to expect your partner to move towns, let alone counties or countries. If your job is more important to you than your family - and it sounds like it given you determination to go despite their wishes - then just go by yourself.

You must take the broadway role! You'll regret it forever if you dont. The kids will be fine for a while, i can see why they dont want to be uprooted, they will be fine with their dad, surely? These days we have video calls, and you can probably visit each other? I know that will be a shitty aspect but it cant all be roses.

Well done!

If you aren’t starry enough to support your theatre roles without having to also work as an usher then I don’t think you are realistically going to be able to support yourself in NYC. Always assuming of course that the production takes off and has a long run. The sidewalks of Broadway are littered with failed productions.

Having said that then grab the opportunity and go and do the role on your own and enjoy it. You wouldn’t be abandoning your children, you would be showing them that sometimes you have to sieze an opportunity to try something. They have another parent to parent them so they won’t be abandoned shivering on the streets of London. If in a years time everything is hunky dory then you can revisit the idea of moving everyone, but if not you will have a pocketful of memories.

DH went on an H1B visa - me and DC had the dependents visas, but I couldn’t work. All had to be organised before arriving in the US.

This is a massively important consideration- so many people assume a British kid will qualify for student finance and don't realise the rules are quite strict and you can be absolutely screwed quite easily

Just seen your daughters 14, no way can she go unless you get in her to a British school or one that does the IB/international GCSE’s.
missing out on her GCSE’s is going to cause her a lot of issues going forward.

You need to let go of the fact that he was more positive about it before it became a reality. He’s changed his mind. It’s annoying, but it happens all the time with huge life decisions like this and it’s both understandable and allowed.

You also need to drop the ‘abandoning my kids’ emotional drama. This is a career decision for you and you need to be more clear-eyed, not amping things up with such language. Either it’s worth going for on your own or it’s not happening, you need to weigh up how going alone would work and if it’s not worth it to you, then don’t go. If it is worth it, then don’t go OTT with the child abandonment narrative. Some parents work abroad for long stints. It’s possible but not with a melodramatic approach. I work in an associated industry and would go away for a long period if a great job came up and it wasn’t right for DH and the kids to move.

As a first base, you need to get past the resentment and upset and look at this together at whether it’s possible for you to do it alone or not. If you really don’t want that then turn it down. I know it’s your dream but the reality is often less glittery and needs a wiser approach.

And schools? And health insurance? Will they cover dpeendents? What's the deductible? What's the co-pay?
What part of New York are you looking at?

BTW, if your kids are in good schools in the UK, you're not guaranteed to get them back in to them when you come back - especially since you're in London

I think she means access to reproductive care.

Options for women if they’ve been sexually assaulted.

Treating pregnant women swiftly, rather than waiting until they are at death’s door before the doctors can act, for fear that they will be struck off or imprisoned.

Not read the full thread, just the first page, but you could not pay me to move to America.
Ever.

Im quite fond of sending my kids to school and being pretty secure in the knowledge that they won’t get shot.
That’s the main one for me.

Not the OP but that's actually useful information. We've always had the idea that DD could go to uni in ireland because she is an Irish citizen, I had no idea about this.

And as for the garbled tale of the DH giving up parental responsibility for his children that he lives with … did he, aye?

How long is the Broadway deal? Why don't you go and live there, they can visit you and you can visit them, you can be in touch daily if you want to. It's a big upheaval to move children are you intending to stay there forever and could you get citizenship, not a good time to be a foreigner in the US I would think.

I presumed she was talking about the biggest threats to women's rights now, but maybe she was talking about other threats.

None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

So you want to screw your children's education, take them to a city they don't know and then what?

If you come home after 18 months your eldest is going to be dropped in to GCSE year at any school you can find that has a place.

Can you and DH even get visas?

Go on your own and organise visits either you travelling or them travelling to meet up with you.

Your DC dont want to go either so its not just your DH you need to speak to.

Anyway this is starting to sound all a bit odd so why im engaging i dont know 😂😂

In many ways gender ideology is worse here, but reproductive rights in the US are a disaster.

This seems really badly thought out. It is my understanding that a work visa needs to be sponsored by a company. You would get one through your job but your DH would need to find a company willing to sponsor his work visa and give him a job (not an easy thing to do). For you this is the opportunity of a lifetime but for your DH he would likely struggle to get working visa so could you live on your salary alone in New York?

From the uk it’s not that they can’t go, it’s that they would have to pay international fees and might not be entitled to financing.

no idea about Ireland rules.

Wait 4/5years. Then they will be older you can go and they can stay behind. Dp is American and I would not live there currently. You have been outvoted in your household.

Completely agree with this. The whole thing is very me, me, me. You want to do it and expect everyone else to fall into line. It is perfectly reasonable for DH and the DC to change their minds. And depending on how long the audition process has taken, things have got a lot worse in the US recently.

It would ruin your teenagers schooling, and you don't seem to care. I hope to goodness you are a troll.

I don’t understand posters like this who are clearly being unreasonable, given many examples about how she will screw up her child education, many examples of how her husband would not be able to work and her solution is to talk to her husband about how unreasonable he is????