To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

As someone who loves New York, and has worked with extensively there, you’re out of your mind.

I wouldn’t in a month of Sundays move children to the US right now. Even to New York. And doubly no for a daughter.

Presumably your DH thought you wouldn’t get it which is why he was so supportive of the audition process. That was a mistake on his part, but not the end of the world. Also, moving a 14 year old girl who doesn’t want to is monumentally selfish. You don’t talk in any of your posts about upside for your family. It’s all about you.

If this is true, which i doubt, it appears DH is the children's biological father. For reasons unclear, his PRR were previously removed

I'm not in England but I'd imagine he could go to court, seek PRR again and seek an order preventing the move. So I wouldn't assume OP can force the issue

Go alone - I know you’re excited about this opportunity but it’s very (very) selfish to uproot your family from their lives here.

You can’t make them move, it’s a huge upheaval and life change. I get why they don’t want to.
Huge congratulations on the role. Honestly i think i would go, the children are older now and your husband can manage, you can all travel to visit each other, i know it’ll be so hard being away but in think you’ll always regret it if you turn it down and possibly slightly resent them all for stopping you taking that shot.

OP, you seem to have a huge lack of understanding about how the UK and the American education system differ.

Pulling your teen away from her GCSE’s could be disastrous for her future. If she spent 18 months in the US system and then returned to exams she was completely unprepared for, she’d likely fail them all.

If you remained in the US and put your DD into high school, it runs from 14 to 18, so she’d need to remain in US education until she was 18 to get a High School Diploma. If your work dries up, so would your Visa, so you cannot guarantee this for her.

I’m ignoring all the other issues, such as your second child, your H who signed away his parental rights to his DC (WTF happened there??) and the ridiculous state of America atm which may see your DC requiring a bulletproof backpack for school, or walking through a metal detector once they get there.

By all means, go to NYC yourself and leave your DC in the UK with their zero-parental-rights-“father”, but don’t fuck up their future (especially your eldest DC) by moving her to an entirety new education system in such pivotal years.

Was his change of opinion possibly influenced by the children not wanting to go?

Or by the realities of the contract offered? Or other developments (be those political, personal…)?

I absolutely understand that you’re disappointed.

but wouldn’t it be better for you to go alone? At least initially and until you actually know that this job opportunity will work out for you?

you can’t just assume that your DH will easily find a new job. If you move to New York with your family you definitely need to earn enough to support your entire family on your salary. Don’t forget about health care (depends on the package your new employer would be offering) and potentially also education…

You can't force people to move who don't want to. And, tbh, I think you're being very selfish to insist that your DD moves when she's coming up to her GCSEs. This would be a TERRIBLE time for her to move abroad! Go yourself or just give up on this crazy idea (if it's even real, which I have my doubts about).

You take the job and go alone at the beginning and see how it is.

the family come and visit you and the you never know they might change their minds.

things can change very quickly with a musical show so who knows if you do the full 18months

OP, the US school system is very different and I have friends who moved to the US for three years and then really struggled moving back as they couldn't easily go back into a normal UK school. Their parents ended up having to send them to private school and even then their exam results were dreadful despite them being smart kids. It is absolutely an amazing opportunity but it doesn't sound like the timing is right for moving the family, and as PPs have pointed out it is risky given the show could be pulled, US visa rules changing constantly to make it harder for foreigners to work there etc.

Would your salary be enough that you could travel home very regularly if you moved by yourself, say once a month, if you booked your flights ahead of time so could get a good deal? What would the leave situation be like - say you could come home for a week a month that wouldn't be so bad, though I imagine you wouldn't be able to get leave like that in the US? Do you trust DH to take care of the kids alone? At their ages I would have thought it wouldn't be impossible for him to look after them alone for a while, as a trial to see if you like NYC, what are the opportunities like for them there, what are the realistic options for DH etc. What can your prospective employer offer in terms of a working visa for DH, can you get that set up as an option and then if you love it out there and they visit and enjoy it, and DH finds a good job, you could all go?

Overall though I'd say it doesn't feel like the job security on offer sounds excellent so I'd probably go alone for a bit, and if you missed your kids too much I'd go home early.

Maybe the awful events of the last few days in Minnesota have made him change his mind about living there.

It would be much easier to use your wages to fund a studio appt for 1 and monthly flights home, than uproot & support a family that doesn’t want to go.

Could your husband even work in the US? My friend went with her husband, he was sponsored through work, she couldn’t work for years and even now, she is limited on what she can do because her qualifications aren’t recognised there. So she’s doing odds and sods and shop work and cleaning.

Also, and I can’t stress this highly enough, they don’t want to go.

It’s a powder keg over there at the moment and it seems like your husband is the only one being sensible and actually thinking about the family.

American here. Whilst your husband was unreasonable to let you go down this path before slamming the brakes at the last minute, you really do need to reconsider.

NYC is crazy expensive. I know you’ve said that you’ve looked at housing…is that based on your own salary or on two earners? I don’t think it will be as easy as you think for your DH to get a visa. He has to get an employer to sponsor him. Coordinating two visas to start at the same time sounds impossible, particularly as it sounds like he doesn’t have any NYC interviews in the pipeline.

Your timeline is really going to mess up your 14YOs GCSEs. The US system is completely different—the GCSE and A-Level (14-18) years are mixed together. There are two semesters in each school year, with exams (“finals”) at the end of each semester. So that means a total of 8 semesters’ worth of final grades, which are averaged together to make a GPA (grade point average). These do not align with the GCSE curriculum AT ALL. Your timeline could have your DC being put back into a UK school literally months or weeks before their GCSE exams without the two years of learning the curriculum under their belt. This would be academic suicide.

We had a really good offer to take a job at an amazing place in the US, and it was a great job, but because of where my youngest DC was in their school timeline, it would have been detrimental to their educational outcome. So we passed on the opportunity. Sometimes as parents, we have to take these hard decisions. DH and I still talk about it 10 years on, but it was the right decision for our child’s education.

Also…have you looked at the schools in NYC? They can be appallingly bad, which is why many opt for private (another expense to consider).

And finally…the US is in a social downturn. Apparently the punishment for ignoring an ICE agent’s order to stop your car is immediate execution on the spot. These are very scary times. I thank my lucky stars that my DCs are UK citizens and that I am one too now. You couldn’t pay me enough money to move back to the US in the current political climate.

OP doesn't seem to be engaging with the substantive questions about DH visa, schooling etc. Just keeps repeating that she wants them all to go together.

He probably didn't expect you to get the role.
OP you are acting like a transatlantic move isn't that big a deal. Your husband and childrens lives are here, with things that matter to them, your kids are presumably partway through their education. You can just expect your 'dream' job to be prioritised over everyone else in the family's needs and wants. You are being so unreasonable and if my husband tried to just 'tell' me the kids and I would be moving to the USA he'd find himself swiftly served with divorce papers and some sort of prohibition on moving the kids overseas.

Would a Broadway salary pay for a family to relocate and provide healthcare for them and be sufficient to cover accommodation and living costs for them all?

Lily Allen follow-up album “West Side Girl” panned by mumsnet

This sounds like an amazing opportunity for you but I can see why your family don’t want to go.

Getting a work visa for the US is very difficult so there’s a good chance your husband won’t be able to work. New York is very expensive.

What age are your children - are they in a point at school where it will affect them as the US curriculum is very different.

This. And you didn’t answer my question about schooling but I assume you’d have to go private for your 14yo to be able to follow the English system in order not to mess things up at what I’d a really crucial time.

You can insist all you like but you cant force them to move

Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.
You want to go off to do Broadway with the comforts of your husband & kids being there with you - who’d want to live in New York alone without any friends of family?
But you are being staggeringly selfish considering it’s not what’s best for the kids and they don’t even want to go! It’s not all about you and what you want.

Also not convinced this post is totally true - but even where a parent has signed away PR, the US will require their express written permission to remove them from the UK and take up residence before granting a VISA. OP will not be able to take them without DHs consent. Pretty sure the DH could go back to court to request a new child arrangement order and/or have the PR agreement they previously arrange voided, given current living arrangements. The UK courts take a dim view of removing children from the UK against both their own consent and that of the second parent.

If you can’t see why taking your family to the USA is a terrible idea, and why someone might have looked into it and changed their minds over the last few months, I’m not sure there is anything anyone can say.

Th answer to your question is “yes”. You can’t “make” your husband do anything and you shouldn’t force your children to go against their wishes. YANBU to consider it YABVU to try to force it.

Depends on the kind of visa I think. Not all come with the ability to bring extra people… maybe. I know a friend had issues when she was transferred to the states but I can’t remember what the complication was. But it’s super likely he’d be unable to work.

as others have noted this isn’t likely a real person anyway but it’s still an interesting chat!

Barking, more like.