To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

What would you live on if you magically persuaded everyone to move to NY and the show closed? It's all so unbelievable.

Who knew musical theater paid so well. Your DH won't get a visa as Trump has clamped down on all the normal routes. So will you make the $300k pa this article suggests you need?

How much money family of 4 needs to live comfortably in U.S. cities share.google/JDblkC4pTwbhizLC9

I live in London and we went on a family holiday with the adult kids to New York last year. Going again this May! I can’t really relate to the comments here. It is a fab amazing place to visit, I love it!

It is a fab amazing place to visit, I love it!

To visit. Living there is a different matter.

All I'm getting from the OP is "I want", not "we want".

How long was the audition process ? America looked more appealing even a week ago than it does this week. It's not somewhere I would want to be.

DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children

At least one of you can make a sensible decision.

Personally I think it’s selfish to move a child about to do their GCSEs. I would leave them here and go there for 18 months then return. Could you rent a room in New York? Could you afford to live alone temporarily?

I don't think it's fair to move your 14 year old to a different education system at this stage. You have said the contract may or may not last 18 months, might get reduced might get extended...it's too much uncertainty. Plus, friends are so important at this age.

Its unfair of your husband to have initially encouraged you. However, he may have thought through points like the above which you don't seem to have done?.

If you really need to go, go yourself.

You sound like my dad. Any new job opportunity for him was assumed by him to be a great opportunity for us. It never was. He took no interest in the details of facilitating the move, that was down to my mother. Once moved he did nothing to help us settle in and hobbies were out of the question unless they had no impact on him or his hobbies. His job spared him from school runs, playdates, and running the house.

He screwed up my education, friendships and I shed no tears when he died.

Sure. So are lots of places. But living there is a very different scenario. Living there with a spouse who is there illegally (as it will take ages - if ever - to set up his green card) and two children who don’t want to be there and have the every day consideration of ICE raids or a school shooting or just simply struggling academically by being forced into a New York high school is not fab or fun.

God fucking forbid, eh?

As someone with a now adult child, I wish I had put myself first more. I would have been happier and so would they.

The amount of opportunities I gave up in my life “to do the best for my family” and where did it get me? They grow up and leave for their own lives, you know.

In this situation, I would go and work. Come back whenever I could get a chunk of time off. See if they could come out in school holidays.

Your DH has parental responsibility to though, so you wouldn't be able to take them without his permission. So you can't insist

Which is why the op should go alone and take the opportunity. She could force the children to go with her, but in doing so may wreck their relationship permanently - far more so than if they remained at home.

You can't force him and the kids to move.

You should go yourself and they can visit your out there and vice versa.

If he had a great job opportunity, I'm sure he wouldn't think twice and would go for it.

You're not abandoning your kids by going. As women, we get these feelings, but honestly.. you're leaving them with their father and he's not standing in the way of your dreams.

Presumably the DH and children would be on dependents visas? So there legally and able to study but not able to work.

I think you have two choices. You go by yourself and come back when the contracts finished or you just give it up altogether. You absolutely cannot force your husband and children to go if they don’t want to regardless of parental responsibilities and all that

Almost half the thread is full and people are still engaging as if it’s true. Several posters who know what they are talking about have pointed out the impossibility of this scenario, given the unionised nature of Broadway and how this role would have to be found to be unfillable by literally any person in the US before OP would be able to take it. The OP has not helped by saying nothing other than reiterating the few points made initially about the DH. I will be very surprised if this turns out to be a real scenario. However, I suppose the thread might be useful to someone else as a hypothetical discussion around moving to the US for work.

Um, hate to be a downer and congrats on your role offer, but you sound very misguided.

I am a US/UK citizen and have lived in NYC. The US is in a terrible place right now under Trump. Leaving that aside, restrictions around working visas mean it would likely be difficult - if not impossible - for your DH to get employment. Also, bluntly, your work is unreliable (Broadway shows close all the time!) and I would hazard a guess, not brilliantly well paid. NYC is an enormously expensive city. It would be one thing if you were being offered a huge salary and sponsorship deal by some big established firm, but this isn’t the case here.

That’s the financial and logistical reality check…you haven’t even seemed to really consider what it might be like for your kids being pulled away from their school and friends. I am sorry, OP, but the window of time to do whatever we please/follow our own crazy dreams does have to pause when we become parents! You need to grow up a bit and let this go.

Could his position have changed because the political climate in the US has steadily deteriorated? So, when he was enthusiastic, it was because things seemed tolerable, but with recent events, it suddenly became way too risky a place for anyone who is not a US citizen?

An Irish green card holder has been detained (and remains detained) at JFK upon returning from an aunt’s funeral. She’s married to a US citizen for many years.

How long ago were the auditions?

Totally.

I wouldn’t want my children there anyway. It’s late nights. I’d want to concentrate on what I was doing and network especially if I wanted to get more contacts from it.

You couldn’t do that if you were trying to settle children into schools, dealing with all the admin that comes with that, activities, all the bullshit that goes along with it, never mind a trailing husband who doesn’t want to be there.

Lets face it, if this was a man, he’d just go and work and his wife and kids would visit in the holidays.

Your children come first.

This is seriously going to fuck with their education. One going into high school, and the other starting GCSEs

Don't be so selfish.

You are not the main character.

@TheCoralBear He’s probably now thinking of your dc! You are not. It’s selfish of you to move them. They are at school. They even have exams and secondary transfer coming up! You would upset them a lot snd they will miss friends. What a catastrophe for them. Like men - commute! You are prioritising the job over them and of course they should stay with your dh. You should take the job and accept that means you see dc less. Like being on a ship in the navy. So be it.

You see on many threads, many won’t even countenance a holiday there. It was the same last year. Which seems OTT to me.

I’m struggling to understand what level of broadway role, where you work as an usher when not acting, cannot be filled by a US citizen or someone already with the right to work there, in Trump times.

One where it’s financially viable to relocate the whole family, pay all associated costs and health insurance and education and your DH can just slip into a job on the appropriate visa just like that.

👍