To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

It’s really hard to know given the complex backstory where your dh gave up responsibility for his children. I think it quite probable that reflects deeper issues with him , which are showing in his having influencing the children to not want to move and it’s your decision where the children live. But without knowing the backstory it’s difficult to be sure.

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I'd say go by yourself and get a month or two under your belt before even thinking about a move for the family. It's a big step. Trump has ratched up things even in the last few weeks so I am not surprised DH has changed his mind.
You need to investigate visa for him plus schools and where you live. Theres a lot. I did a similar move and my company supported me for the whole thing, right down to finding apartments etc. ExDH had a restricted visa only allowed to work about 20 hrs per week IIiRC. We also ended up divorcing (not just for the move though!!). So you know. It's a big deal. I don't think you are thinking this all through

OK I see there is a complicated back story re parental rights. Your dh would probably not go leaving you with sole responsibility of the kids in New York while you’re performing six days a werk. That sounds very complicated.

I know you’ve said your children are 11 and 14, but which school years are they in? If eldest is in year 10 it’s going to be harder to move them part way through GCSE’s.

What do the children want from this?

I have to say, I’m more on your husband’s side. My DH has applied for jobs that are not commutable. We’ve both said we can’t disrupt the DC’s education at this stage, and if it happens he’ll have to rent / hotel it there and come back at weekends, holidays etc.

I also suspect your husband thought it unlikely you’d get the role (not because he didn’t believe in you, just they’re so hard to get). He probably felt he should support you so you felt you’d given it your all and not been held back by him. The reality of you getting the job is very different and real.

You really can’t uproot the 14 year old at such a crucial time in their education. I recently moved back to the UK from the USA and getting my DC back into school was a nightmare. You can’t risk it for GCSE’s.

I imagine your DH thought it was unlikely you would get a part so he wouldn’t ever have to face the reality of what would happen if you did (not a slight on your acting ability, just how competitive it is!)

I agree. I don't think the OP has considered the finances or the impact on her DC's education at all.

I’m going to speak to DH again today when the children are in school. The backstory as to way he doesn’t have parental responsibility is very complicated though.

The other issue is that DH isn’t giving many reasons for why he doesn’t want move to New York anymore other than saying he won’t consider it now!

I have considered the finances and worked out where we would live etc in New York.

How much will you be earning? Unless you’re a celebrity I highly doubt your wages will be enough to support four of you in New York. Unless you’re just assuming DH will be able to get a visa, which is a difficult thing.

And do you think now is a sensible time to be moving children to the US, with everything going on there just now?

I can see that this is your dream but I think it’s blinding you to the realities.

I also think you’re putting your own dream above your family. They do not want to go.

If its that important to you go alone, enjoy it, get it out of your system. It’s only for a year or so, they can visit, and you can WhatsApp call them every day. Yes they’ll miss you but better than upending their whole lives against their wills.

And who knows, once you’ve settled in and made a home maybe theyll change their minds and join you.

So, does your salary even cover the huge costs of supporting 4 people in NYC? Rent, schools, insurance, food etc?

But in any case I think YABU to uproot your family in this instance. Disrupting a 14 year olds schooling without their agreement is frankly risky and irresponsible.

I can’t see that you can go without your DH as who would look after your children if you are working flat out (guessing a mix of days and evenings)?

Even if you got your DH on board, your children don't want to go and they're at the age where you shouldn't just override them.

But your family don't want to go and live in NY

Leaving her children for many months at a time for a job when she has a decent job here? Hard no from me. Selfish.

I'm seeing you say "I want" a lot here and not considering the fact your children don't want to move to a new country for what is very likely a temporary period.

What would the impact on them be? Have they got really good roots here, solid friendships, a good support system? Where are they in terms of their education? Would it set them back to start a new system? Do they have goals for their future in mind?

It's a great opportunity for you. Seriously think about whether it's the right thing for them. Then decide whether you're still going and how that looks. You have parental responsibility. That doesn't just mean "kids go where mum goes". It means being responsible for their lives and well-being over and above everything else.

Just go on your own. It’s 18 months at most. It’s super selfish to uproot everyone for something only you want!

But apparently DH isn't allowed to look after the children on his own (see OP previous posts)

This all sounds really unhealthy. Do the children know their own father gave up pr for them? That's huge. No wonder they want stability. What will they do while you're on stage if he doesn't come? Presumably it's an intense schedule so they'll be without you in a strange country a lot. This on top of their dad giving up on his responsibilities to them. I hope you're both really prioritising what they need this time.

YABU to force a 14 year old to move to a different country (and thus education system) for ‘18 months, shorter if the run ends earlier, longer if you get another contract’ - particularly if they don’t want to.
It isn’t going to be as easy as you think to ‘exercise your parental right’ and make a 14 year old go with you, especially when DH is staying in the country. Even if he currently doesn’t have PR I’m genuinely surprised you think you could force the situation.
AND THEN it’s going to be much easier for your younger child to exercise THEIR right to stay at home if 2/3 of their family isn’t going. Yes, I know he doesn’t have PR, but still.
Not to mention, you don’t seem to consider the possibility that you could force the children and they resent you for a long, long time.

You say your husband was supportive at audition stage. When were the children told? Have they ever been supportive?

On top of all of that, I’m totally unsurprised your family don’t want to go considering the current political climate.
FWIW, DH got offered a role in NYC within the last couple of years which we considered for financial reasons, but we pretty quickly decided against it 1) as it would likely only be for 2-5 years and we have young children and 2) Trump.

If it’s your dream role then I think YANBU to go on your own, but YABU to the point of insanity if you think you can force this move without serious collateral damage.

Great - how about all the other stuff
Healthcare
Education for your DC
His visa and working
Food

TBH OP the education part alone would make me feel you shouldn't uproot your family plus the fact that the show could close early.

If their dad gave up parental responsibility for them then I'm going to suspect they already have had quite a turbulent and troubled time anyway

Don't make it worse

this

If you are able to go alone and get husband's support you should appreciate and respect that.
But otherwise you are being utterly selfish and will destroy your relationship with your family.

Surely only big named stars get paid well in the theatre? Are you a big name in the theatre world?

I think you're very unreasonable to expect your family to move for an 18 month contract. Your DH has said you can go and I think that's reasonable- you should at least go alone, try it out and then have the conversation later about moving. Having myself moved for a spouse (to a European country) I can tell you it is incredibly stressful being the trailing spouse and will put alot of pressure and stress on your family. It took me 5/6 years to find work and only achieved that by setting up my own business and I was very resentful about giving up my old job for a long time. Unless you are being paid ALOT of money then I think its selfish to expect everyone else to move for you for a short term contract.
New York is not that far away and you could travel back and forth fairly frequently.

Surely any role on Broadway isn’t “forever”? Don’t they change their cast something like every year? What will you do when they are closing your contract for the new rotation of roles?