To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

What are you going to do? Put them each in a crate and ship them over there? You can't move people who do not want to move overseas. Go and do your role, and see if the show stays open more than a week or two, and rethink things.

But they don't want to go to NY

I'm a bit unclear as to why you think you can make them go

YANBU to want to follow your dream.

YABU to expect your DH and DC to move their lives to accommodate you.

Your DH may have encouraged you in the first instance but he is allowed to change his mind.

Likewise, your DC are old enough to express their wishes.

Your options then, are 1) you go without them or 2) you don’t go.

Pushing for all or nothing is coming across as far too entitled and being part of a family, that isn’t how these things work.

I thought parental responsibility was only terminated in extreme cases where there was abuse or serious harm or if the child is being adopted and it is quite a rare occurrence so I’m wondering what the complicated circumstances are that the OPs husband was able to do this because it doesn’t sound likely, but I could be wrong about that

Aww OP I really feel for you here! You must have done extremely well to get the role. However.. I really think at your kids ages this is a massive ask. If you’re in a show you’ll be working all the evenings and weekends, they’re not really going to get to see much of you and yet have to change their school, their friends etc.

I think you’re going to have to let this one go, but I can totally see why you’re gutted.

Develop a sense of humour and try to occupy yourself with something more constructive than slapping total strangers down.

This is only an opportunity for you. It all appears to be me, me, me.
Force your children to go and they will resent it enormously if they don't want to.
I doubt in reality you will be able to afford to pay for everything they will need.
What will they do every night in a strange city by themselves whilst you are on stage? Who will do childcare if DH doesn't go?

It was a lovely dream but with no-one else on board, this is all it is.

NY is so expensive to live there. What would your DH do for work? Where would you live would the theatre find you a place? What about schools it’s not a great time to uproot your 14 year old. I really don’t think you’ve thought this through.

Go by yourself - you are the only one who wants to do it. It’s ridiculous to contemplate forcing your family to move to the US, especially while Trump is busy creating a hostile environment for immigrants and invading other countries.

So what does everyone get out it, apart from you of course?

I just wanted to send you some support OP I don’t think there’s a right answer to this. Of course it is immensely frustrating that DH has changed his mind and that your DC don’t want to move. I think your DC should have a say in something that disrupts their life so massively and if your DH has changed his mind, there’s not a lot you can do. It sounds as if you’ve put a huge amount of mental effort into working out how schools and friendships could work if you move them. Do you have the capacity (once you are over the shock of him changing his mind) to put a similar effort into working out how to be an engaged and involved mum while also doing this for your career? There are lots of roles where women travel, train abroad and work abroad for long periods. It doesn’t mean you are abandoning your children. It might be solution where everyone gets to be where they want to be. Not easy to think through but wanted to send you support.

Really, this sounds like "a huge amount of mental effort into working out how schools and friendships could work if you move them"?

Of course I worry about moving my children to a completely different school system but I do feel there are ways to possibly make it work.

Congrats on yoru job offer! I know nothing of the field but I imagine it's super competitive!

I've lived in NYC and I've also moved my kids at secondary age and that was within the bubble of international schools. It's hard!

Have you looked at high school entry in NYC? It's not like other places, you don't just rock up at your local high school. The best high schools are very vyer competitive and you probably have missed entry for your 14 year old. Of course you can live outside NYC in suburbs where schools are easier but then you have a commute (plus high rents to reflect the high property taxes through which schools are funded).

Also, have you actually calculated costs in NYC? Rent, health insurance, decent food, any exra curcciculars - they are all more than the UK. Health insurance in NYC is insane and you will have many health related expenses.

You then also need to consider uni entrance for your oldest. It's likely they will get home status if you can show temporary absence (which if you're on HIB visas and not got green cards is likely) but as a pp pointed out, not student finance which is based on actual physical residence.

I would recommend you take the role and have the family come over during holidays and get back to UK as much as you can. If your DH is hands on and a good Dad, this could work. They're old enough that you can message and videocall. See how it goes for a year and then decide.

I do think it was unfair of your DH to tell you to go for it and then change his mind but maybe while it was a hypothetical it felt different!

This is true - I lived abroad with my parents and we came back for me to start GCSE’s for this reason.

OP - this is your opportunity so if you want to take it - take it. But don’t drag your family into this.

as others have pointed out - this is stepping into one of the most complex immigration systems in the world. I think it’s slim to none that your husband would be allowed to work. So therefore you are raising 2 children on a broadway salary. New York is soo expensive so finding any kind of affordable apartment for a family of four is not going to be easy - you are probably going to have to live in a roug area and you will be sending your daughter off to an inner city high school. Are you seriously mad???

as for just taking them on their own - how are you expecting to do Broadway and parent your children in a new city, probably rough area all on your own??

leave them with their dad. Be selfish for your self if you want to go but dont be selfish and bring them

end the delusion. Come up with a plan

That post was written by AI. Telltale sycophantic style.

Why don't you go for a few months and see if the production is actually a success. If it's a super success then you have a better reason for wanting DH and family to move - if its so so or a flop then they shouldn't and maybe you break the contract after 6 months (I'm assuming you can/it wouldn't be a death knell to your credibility).

How selfish.

11 and 14 isn't a great time to even move schools to be honest let alone move countries. Being a teenager is hard, they need familiarity and stability. I don't think you should force them to move and I also don't think you should go on your own and follow your dreams. If they are 11 and 14 then they are likely to be y7 and y9. In 6 years they will grown up and have either gone off to Uni or be working....can't you wait till then? It seems a selfish point to be suggesting this much upheaval.

Congratulations on your post. If it’s a featured role then go for it but if it’s ensemble I would decline. If it’s featured
Take the contract for a year. Go alone.
Family can come out and visit & you will get holiday so return when you can.

Maybe try? It might help us understand, because right now a lot of people think you should just leave them with him.

Given that DH isn't going to NY what are you going to do?

Doesn’t matter - he could still make an application for a PSO preventing you from taking the children and at their ages, their wishes and feelings will likely be determinative

I went to international school (mainly following an American curriculum) and I had tutoring in yr 8 and year 9 to prepare me going back int GCSE’s. Without this i probably would have failed…

the American system most subjects are taught very differently. Think about history - which would be very American focused. Maths is taught in topic format - so going into first year you would be expected to enter an algebra class.

you are setting your dd up to fail. Both in the American system and then coming back for GCSEs

New York has a very progressive new Mayor so it’s probably one of the best US cities to live in right now.

However I would not move your DC at this age. You can make it work if you go & they stay behind, for a couple of years. We did this, with DH living on West Coast. East Coast will be easier as it’s much closer.

DH & DC come & see you during school holidays, you go back to UK 3 to 4 times a year.

it can work but it’s hard for everyone.

Seriously ?
this has got to be a wind up
noone in their right mind would go to America atm or ever with trump losing the plot

@TheCoralBear
It sounds like you are all entrenched in how you feel about this scenario.

I do think this is a great opportunity for you OP. I really think you should go.
It sounds like a can of worms for everyone else.
Do you know other people in this sector at the same life stage as your family - what do they do when 1 of them gets a contract abroad?

If you just look at the very basics in this move, it doesn't look like you are considering any of the practicalities
OP has a job ✅
Can DH get a working visa❓
Has DH got a job offer ❌
Can OP's wage support a family in one of the most expensive cities in the world ❓
What accommodation could you afford in NY❓
Can the accommodation you can afford on one wage fit a family of 4 in it❓
Are the education systems similar ❌
Would this move help your DC in their GCSE journey ❌
Can you afford private schooling in US ❓
Would your DC be able to easily fit back into UK education when you came back ❌
Does your job include health care for the whole family all on the same level of cover❓

There are a lot of very big questions that need clarity. The above doesn't cover everything BTW, just a few very basic questions that you seem to gloss over.
There is no way I would be uprooting my family just based on 'I have a job in NY - let's go'

@TheCoralBear you are being incredibly myopic about this.