To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

So, they’re not his kids?

So they're not his children?

It’s complicated to explain.

I moved my younger family to Pennsylvania for 4 months of a work contract.It was a great experience although my oh found it difficult because he was effectively a house husband and it was over 25 yrs ago so Americans didn't really get the house husband concept.It was hard work and I found it a shockingly competitive environment where a colleague would be favoured over me and it was made very obvious to all.It was interesting to experience such a different work culture and we had great experiences such as meeting Mr Rodgers in Pittsburgh Children's Museum.However, I don't think many work colleagues could understand why I brought my family.
I went to see Moulin Rouge in NYC last year and it was an amazing experience so I can see why you'd really want to go.Best of luck in your decision.

You are being completely unreasonable to want to move your children to a different country at this stage of their education.

Either leave them with your DH and have them come over for school holidays (which will come around quickly) or don’t go.

I wouldn’t just take them without DH though because I wouldn’t take them away from him like that. The same reason I won’t go on my own because I don’t want to lose my children. That’s why I want us all to go to New York together.

From the OP: “ Me, DH and our DC”

Yes, he does.

Probably your bedtime OP - school in the morning and all.

Obviously I can give you a better answer if you DM me with which show. 😂

I’m not going to go to New York on my own and leave my children with DH without me, no way am I going to abandon my children. That’s why I want us all to go to New York together.

Nobody else wants to go. You’re expecting your husband and children to uproot their lives - leave behind friends, family, school and work - for you to work a fairly short contract (which might get cancelled in weeks, as shows can fold).

In what possible way is this reasonable?

DH doesn’t have legal parental responsibility because he gave it up years ago through a court order which I also agreed to and wanted at the time but that’s a situation that’s very complicated to explain. Our relationship was also in a very different place back then.

Then you can’t go.

It’s completely unfair to uproot your children when they don’t want to go and disrupt their education (particularly the oldest) just so you can follow your own dream,

Or rather follow your own dream, by all means, but don’t force others to come with you. They have their own dreams which clearly don’t include New York.

Blimey

I don’t want to just leave DH and my children like that, I want us all to go.

They. Do. Not. Want. To. Go.

It’s not all about what you want. You are not the centre of the known universe.

And if you can’t? You’ll be back in the UK when your daughter is half way through Year 11 with no chance of getting any decent GCSEs. You’ll be screwing up her education permanently.

You are as a teenager which I suspect the OP is now.

You’re coming across a bit bratty. Is this part you’ve been offered Veruca Salt, perchance?

You keep repeating the same thing in almost the same words. It's very odd. You're also saying DH could probably get a good job there, with no apparent consideration of whether he actually can or even whether he'd be allowed to work legally in the US. You feel the DC's education could turn out OK, no sign you've looked into this and have concrete ideas of how you'll look after your children's welfare.

Will you have a home to come back to in London? What happens if DH does get a job in New York and your show folds? What happens if he doesn't get one, or isn't allowed to?

I realise this may be the big break you've been hoping for after - what, 20 years or so of slogging it out, but you really do seem uninterested in your family, except as emotional support for you and your dreams. They matter, too, you know.

Go by yourself and, to borrow your own words, make it work somehow. Good luck!

You must be very talented to have been offered a part in a Broadway musical so, going against the grain here, I think it's an amazing opportunity and you would be MAD to turn it down.
However, that being said, you cannot force your DH and DC to move to the US while you essentially live your dream (and, doing eight shows a week, you're unlikely to see a whole lot of them anyway).
So I'd accept your DH's offer and go to the US while he stays in the UK with the DC.
(Oh and ignore all the drama llamas saying 'they wouldn't move to the US now, blah, blah', that's just white noise.)

OP you're beginning to sound really really selfish. You don't have to 'abandon' them to go by yourself, ever heard of video calls?

They don't want to go. You'd better respect that. Go by yourself or don't go. These are your options.

Back before I did the audition, DH was the one who originally told me he thought he could get a US visa too but I’d need to look in to it to double check that. But it’s pointless now as he’s refusing to go!

OP are you prepared to engage with any of the people who have asked very valid questions on this thread or are you just going to keep repeating that you want, want,want and everyone has to fall in with your wishes? Have you done any investigation on housing availability, good areas and costs in New York, is your salary going to be sufficient to support all four of you? Have you done any investigation on whether your husband can work or not? – having an in-demand Profession means nothing. Do you know how long his Visa process would take, can he even apply for a Visa which will allow him to work? What is your plan for your children’s schooling? Can you afford to pay for your husband’s and children’s healthcare – your contract will only pay for your cover, you have to be able to afford to include them as well. How are you going to afford to pay for your family‘s flights to and from the US? Do you have enough money to pay for your relocation because the Broadway show certainly isn’t going to pay the costs of moving all of your belongings. What is going to happen to your home and belongings in the UK?

When you have children, you make a decision that has huge implications for the rest of your life.

If you wanted to be a Broadway performer, having kids and settling in the UK was not a great decision. You don't get to just follow your dreams without huge implications.

Is there some particular reason that you hate your 14 year old enough to want to deliberately fuck up her education?