To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Don't be ridiculous. NYC is probably the safest place to be in today's America, anyway.

Well all that and the fact you said in your original post that they don’t actually want to go. I wouldn’t have either at their age. So you could insist, but that won’t turn out well.

It’s an 18 month contract, would you genuinely sell your family home and upturn your entire family for an 18 month contract on Broadway?

Logical thing to do would be for you to go and see how it pans out. Take it in three month stages.

You seem quite blasé about and seem shocked he doesn’t want to go, of course he’s changed his mind, going for an audition is one thing. Taking two teenagers away from everything they know is another.

If he has parental responsibility you wouldn’t be able to insist they come with you either I’m afraid.

I understand that it's an exciting opportunity for you, OP, but a move really wouldn't be fair for your kids at the ages that they're at - especially as you can't possibly know whether you would be able to stay in the US in the long term or not. Your dd is 14 - a terrible age to move from both a social and an academic perspective. You're letting the excitement about your own opportunity cloud your judgement about the likely impact on your dc.

Your DH has made a very fair suggestion that you could go and pursue the opportunity without them if it's really important to you. I guess you'll have to decide whether or not being with your family is even more important. You can't force them to go, and contrary to what you seem to think, I'm pretty sure that you couldn't just take the kids without his consent either - assuming that he is their dad, that is.

Then there is the whole political situation right now. The US is imploding. Do you really want to take your family into that situation right now? I wouldn't.

Eighteen months will soon fly by; I would say go, do it, return to the UK at every opportunity to see your family. But uprooting everyone for what may be just a couple of years is shortsighted.

They have made their wishes clear, and you cannot insist they go.

I think you stop making a big deal out of it. Your job opportunity requires you to relocate for a period of time. You go. Kids and dh can visit and you will, of course, return home on breaks. Plenty of working actors do this. And plenty of families have one working partner, also often a parent, that travels extensively for work. It's obviously difficult at the beginning as everyone adjusts, but not unusual.
I do note, however, your DH's lack of support to reject the move out of hand. 🤔

Also, im not a mother so I have no idea how I’d feel if it were me in this position. But I do feel like opportunities like this are once in a lifetime - for you and your family. It’s a great place to be. I really hope you can have this exciting experience as a family!

You are being extremely unreasonable. You can't just force everyone to move to New York how ridiculous! If they dont want to go you either have to accept that and stay with them or go by yourself. Those are the choices you have.
And forcing children to move away from a country they have lived their whole lives and/or potentially breaking up your marriage and having them have divorced parents, is much worse than temporarily 'abandoning' them to work abroad for a period of time, by the way.

Go. Leave them at home. They can come over for visits, and you can go back home for periods, then you can Facetime the rest. You shouldn't miss an opportunity like that.

@TheCoralBear With the greatest respect, have you even read the responses to your question?

The US is in meltdown at the moment. Even the Americans I know don't want to live there. Why do you want to expose your loved ones to such a volatile and potentially dangerous environment?

Your answers are all about you. Everyone else's responses are about your family. I think that says a lot about your priorities.

If you want to go, go. I get that. This is a great opportunity for you. You should take it. Just don't uproot them at a critical time and take them to a country in crisis just so you can see them for a few minutes here and there while you live your dream.

Maybe in a few years when there is a new president in the White House they will be able to join you and celebrate your success.

How can you insist the children come?

By exercising my parental responsibility and bringing them with me. But I wouldn’t do that because I wouldn’t just separate them from DH like that.

Parental responsibility doesn't work like that.

I suspect a lot of what you engage with - including american schooling and visas - doesn't work the way you think it does.

I might be biased because I'm from NY and we raised three kids there for many years, although have done two international moves. I agree that the US is a complete shit show at the moment, but NYC really isn't. It's a fantastic place to live and have a family (especially teens) if, and this is a big if, you have money.

If you can afford a nice place to live in a nice neighbourhood, good health insurance, and, in your circumstances, send your DCs to the British International School, I suspect you would all have a fab time. I suspect, though, that with arts salaries being what they are, the above wouldn't apply and being a starving artist in a crappy apartment with 2 DCs is not the same as doing that in your twenties. I also think your husband will have a difficult time getting a work visa, and even if he can, it's likely to be slow.

I do think most kids that age are reluctant to give up the familiar, but on the flip side, it can be an absolutely fabulous experience. As a family, we wouldn't trade a moment - even the though ones - of our moves, and as a result, we and our DCs have friends all around the world

Yeah that is really not how it works if your DH wanted to stop you and your kids said no you would not be allowed to move them to a new country. Plus your kids would hate you

if real you either take the opportunity and leave your children or you stay

I mean I can’t see how the taking would work given the current immigration rules anyway!

congratulations on getting the part! Sounds like. great opportunity.

But…Obviously you can’t uproot them against their wishes for so many reasons. As you won’t be able to jet back home frequently either, can you get a big enough place that they can visit every half term and holiday, that’s a big chunk of time. Hopefully pay will allow for this and hopefully they’re up for that? DH could visit for long weekends if your kids have an adult to look after them in London.

If this isn't a wind up you have to accept what is true (and not what you want to be true). Your DH isn't moving and nor are your kids. If he has parental responsibility you can't take the kids (especially against their wishes) and i imagine it would be an absolute nightmare to find childcare as a single parent in a different country on a Broadway schedule anyway. So you either stay or go alone. That's your choice.

I assume you are doing research for some kind of bad novel or something? This is not how broadway works, so you may want to rewrite. 1. Broadway contracts are not for 18 months. The standard is 6-9, maybe 12 at a pinch on a really established show. 2. Tracey from Bolton, theatre usher, doesn’t magically get a rags to riches broadway role - you’d never get a visa. Broadway audition calls are heavily unionised - the producers would need to prove there is nobody else in the US who could play the part before it could be offered out. Exceptions are made for original casts of a transferring show, for example Operation Mincemeat or History Boys, star names who will be big ticket draws or performers like Lauren Samuels (recent US Elphaba on the Wicked tour) as she is married to an American. Other than that, unless you are a resident with a green card that simply doesn’t happen. These people would qualify for O1, P1, P2 or P3 visas but someone just taking a standard part would not. 3. If you magically did get a visa and your DH did go with you, it wouldn’t matter that there’s plenty of his kind of work in NYC - he’d be on a P4 visa, or at a push a J2, and you aren’t permitted to work on those visas.

I'm not sure I would call moving your kids to the US at the moment an example of parental responsibility. Parental power maybe, but I don't think there's anything about being responsible in it.

Your DH coudl also excercise his PR and go to to court for a Prohibited Steps Order which would prevent you moving the children - he would very likely suceed given their ages and expreseed wishes and feelings. Would you really want to go down this route when you can by yourself and see how things work out in the first few months.

If I have to read one more thread on MN about how awful NYC is when people have clearly never been or not been in about 10000 years, I'm going to lose my shit. NYC is freakin awesome. I'm sorry you live in Stoke.

Anyway, if both your DH and your kids don't want to come here, I'd just go with your DH's idea and come by yourself and have the absolute time of your life while your kids get to retain normality.

DH hasn’t got parental responsibility for them.

It's a shame that he changed his mind, and it does sound important to you, something you dreamed of and I see why you want to go. I can see why the children don't want to though, it's not a good age to move them (and I wouldn't take my children to the USA personally). You can't take them without his permission anyway. They are at an okay age for you to go alone, sounds like the best option for everyone.

In order for us to give proper replies you need to give grown up answers. It’s highly unusual to hire UK actors if they don’t have a green card unless they’re famous/very specialist, but this aside how much are they paying you? Are they paying for your apartment on top of this? Health and dental? What about work visas for your husband? They will have to arrange that for you - is that part of the deal? As pps have said, to access good public schools you need to live in an expensive area like the upper east side where three bed can easily cost north of $10k pm. If you are being paid a fortune and they are basically relocating you and your entire family plus arranging a work visa for your husband, then you maybe - maybe- have a starting point for the conversation. But you still have the issue of schooling as the system is so different here. It’s not true to say we are two years behind - it’s just a very different structure, so moving back to the uk to fewer specialist subjects for A level would be hard. And of course they don’t want to go!

By the way I agree NYC is awesome. But you have to be able to afford to live here and stay here