To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

This is a dream opportunity and living in New York for a couple of years would be amazing for the whole family!

I'd sit down with your children to find out why exactly they don't want to go. I'd also look up international schools first to find one that your child could still do iGCSEs at so that their education isn't negatively impacted.

It would be a shame to not be able to fulfil this life-long dream and will likely be a regret leading to resentment. I think it's unreasonable of your DH & children to not even enter discussions around it. They at least owe you that when you may end up turning down a dream career opportunity for them.

How old are the children? How can you take them out of the country if their father does not consent? You would have to get a court order. The chances of getting one in order to uproot them from their home, friends and school for the sake of a job that could last only a few weeks are, frankly, nil.

Go on, try.

I'm guessing that someone who works as an usher between engagements isn't internationally famous, so you really are going to have to explain how your prospective employers have got this one past the US equivalent of Equity.

I see your children are 11 and 14. Are you really sure you can physically force reluctant adolescents out of the house, let alone onto a plane to the US? If this show is successful, it means your daughter missing out on the important early stages of GCSE preparation. Have you factored that in?

So you have not looked into visas yet?

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your posts, but you appear to have given zero thought to visas, timelines, pay, rent, cost of living, or your children’s education.

Speaking as someone who did move UK to US, I think there is zero chance of this move happening the way you imagine it.

Also as someone who has moved kids between UK and US systems, 14-18 is a terrible time to move them. and 11 is pretty bad.

It sounds like an amazing opportunity but I can understand why your children don't want to go. Less so your partner.

I would try and persuade your children to give it a go but if they are dead set against it I would arrange to go and try it out for say 6 months and see how it is. They could fly out for a long weekend and during holidays. But if you really don't want to leave them then you need to give up your dream.

Are you that naive that you can’t think of one possible reason as to why your DH may have changed his mind about moving to the US, especially recently?

Personally I think any parent moving their children to the US right now are very irresponsible, especially to a city like NY

This must be a wind up. You cannot make your husband go, and neither can you insist, if you husband is their Father, and the kids are unhappy going at this important time in their education, given their ages if it went to court I am not certain they will let you take them out of the country.
I have looked at your posts and everything is I, put your children first and respect their wishes. You want them to make it work, how selfish of you. Your older child will be doing GCSE soon.
You say you have a part in Broadway, is the part substantial and worth upsetting your whole family for? Honestly, you are so selfish, I hope is is a wind up.

If you have been living as a normal family for some years, I wouldn't like to put money on that order having any applicability still. At the very least, you need to take legal advice.

Wow. Just wow. Team DH. Have you been living under a rock ?

A quick search suggests that the British school in New York which would allow her kids to follow the UK curriculum will cost over $60,000 per year for her daughter, a bit less for her son. How exactly is a Broadway salary for what must be a non-starring role in a musical going to support that?

I’d need changing cash to move in this situation. this was for your pre-child period

At 11 and 14 they can definitely make their own decisions

Uprooting them for 18 months (especially, as someone upthread said, there's a chance the show won't even last 18 months if it's a new one) and then dragging them back is going to massively unsettle them

If their dad gave up parental responsibility for them then I'm going to suspect they already have had quite a turbulent and troubled time anyway

Don't make it worse

It's 18 months. Respect their wishes, let them stay with their dad and go live your dream.

Sorry if I missed you mentioning it but do they know that you cant work in the US and that they will need to arrange a visa for you and cover the costs? You can't self sponsor a US visa, unless its the investment one. And your dh can't just get a work visa either, he needs to be sponsored by a company. He can apply for a work permit depending on the type of visa you have though

You’re so incredibly selfish it’s unreal! I can’t believe my eyes reading this comment. Their whole lives, family, friends, school and work are here.

You shouldn’t have got married and had children if you fancy just flouncing off to other side of a world for a theatre role. Grow the fuck up.

You need a job first to get a visa to work in the US, you can't get a visa, go to the US, and look for work.

Any visa you get will specifically prohibited him from working.

He will need a specific type of job, a good paying job, a job opportunity that already exists, from a company willing to hire him and pay extensive visa process fees to do so. Not only is this not likely to happen unless he has very specific skills and qualifications/experience, there is little to no chance if he isn't planning on living there indefinitely. To decrease rhe chances they are wasting money and time when they could just hire someone from the US.

Unless he is an exceptional catch for a company to get of course, highly qualified and experienced and capable of giving a lot of value to them even short term.

If you got offered a role on Broadway, you must be very talented! So, you shouldn’t have a problem landing a fabulous role here in the UK.

Maybe put Broadway on hold just until the DC have finished their education, and then do as you please.

I think it’s unlikely he could get one, tbh. But it’s extremely unfair to your children, especially the 14yo, to move them to an entirely different education system for 18 months at this stage. You would completely screw up their chances of GCSEs. I think it was ridiculous to have auditioned for this role, and even more ridiculous to expect your whole family to move right now. Stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about what’s best for everyone.

In your industry you have to make sacrifices to succeed. Right now you can choose to sacrifice life with your family, or you can choose to put your family first. What you can’t do is ask them to make all the sacrifices for your career.

And how long ago was the audition?

Its very likely either the way America has been going very recently put DH off or he was being supportive of your trying to audition but secretly he thought you wouldn't get the role (not a dig at your skills, just the fact that the majority of auditionees wouldn't get roles and it's far more likely you wouldn't than you would) and now he's been confronted with the reality he's thought better of it

I assume the OP would apply for an O1 visa, which would allow her to bring her OH and children, but only she could work.

And that’s if she gets the visa, which involves demonstrating extraordinary ability.

It sounds like an amazing opportunity, but an unrealistic one at present. They don’t want to go at all, you don’t want to go alone. It feels like a challenging time to move schools for your 14 year old.

But If you were good enough to land this role, you clearly have the talent to land another similar role closer to home. So sadly, I would put your dream on hold for now.

Will DH really not explain his reasons for not going?

NYC is a fantastic place to live with kids even now, their biggest political issue is a mayor that is considered too left wing! Abortion rights etc are not an issue. But and it is a huge but, I would never make an international move if the entire thing wasn’t paid for with a generous relocation package including an international school. Moving internationally is so so difficult if you do it in your own. And the odds of your DH working even if he has a visa aren’t that high, it isn’t easy to just pick up and move to another country and walk into a job comparable to the one you have. As a British person in the U.S. we can’t just up and move back to the UK unless one of our jobs transfers us, our work experience is here and that is somewhat meaningless in the UK. The cost of moving alone and all the bureaucracy that goes along with it is totally overwhelming and a deal breaker to me

Leaving aside questions around costs and visas, realitically, OP, how much time would you have available to devote to your family, if they were with you?
I am thinking that you will have rehearsals as well as the performances themselves, so not a 9 to 5 situation by any means.
I think you should go solo on this one, if you really, really want it. Spouse and children can visit in the holidays.
However, everyone needs to agree on this. In addition, will your family support your disappointment, should you turn the role down?

Absolutely agree with this. No fucking way would I let my ex take my kids to live in the US, people there are broken by what’s happening there.
the kids don’t want to leave their friends and school and no doubt safe secure homelife, yes it is an opportunity of a lifetime but if 3/4 of your family doesn’t want to go , how on earth do you think it’s fair to force them all to go?
your kids are at a crucial age re friendship and learning. Perhaps if they were more into it I might encourage them but to force them to live under an unhinged dictator seems incredibly shortsighted.

your husband doesn’t want to move and have to start something afresh which might end again, plus as well as sorting work and visa etc he’s presumably going to be fully responsible for sorting childcare, dealing with school and all their needs whilst you’re doing matinees and night shows
Plus your husband probably watches the news more than your kids do.
he likely got excited about the audition and then applied logic and did some research.
what if the show doesn’t run for very long, do you all uproot again or do you start chasing auditions?
yiu need to either else this or go on your own, maybe they can have a holiday out to see you?
To expect everyone else to jump at this is ridiculous. You’re either very selfish or living in an alternate reality, our in the sky or cloud cuckoo land come to mind

Yeah but that's the thing, she can't just apply for one, her employer has to do it. My husband has an o1 visa and it takes a long while to get all the required evidence together. I can't work on an o3 but could apply for a work permit if I wanted