To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

I’d probably divorce DH rather than move to another country that me and our teenage children didn’t want to go to. It just wouldn’t be happening. Especially with a child who would be coming back smack bang in the middle of GCSEs if your contract doesn’t get extended after 18 months. That’s spectacularly selfish of you actually.

I am sorry but I think you are being selfish. It is a huge upheaval for everybody and only a benefit for you. And as others said, you don’t know it will run for 18 months.
Your children are going to have very embedded friendships and it will be difficult for them to leave and then start over in America.
I think your DH is being supportive to agree for you to go and he will manage everything in the UK. He is not preventing you from going.
You just can’t have your cake and eat it when your family also have lives to lead.

"Could you fly back frequently"?
"I'd come home for one weekend a month"

There speak people with no idea of how the theatre industry works.

You sound extremely entitled. Your husband is an adult and he can do whatever he likes, you can’t insist that he moves to another country.

I can’t physically force DH to go to New York no but I could insist that the children come yes. However I wouldn’t do that because I don’t want to separate them from their dad and I don’t want to be separated from them either so that’s why I’m suggesting that we all go to New York.

Could you though? Could you insist a 14 yr old moved country? I’m not sure you legally have that right if the other parent doesn’t want them to. Not to mention physically forcing them onto a plane.

I would go on my own, leave DH & the kids to crack on. You are not abandoning your kids. You are pursuing a dream career opportunity. It's 18 months, not forever.

My understanding is that the pay on broadway for most roles is far from lucrative compared to the cost of living in the area. Have you been offered a generous enough contract to afford to support the family? Will you get health insurance for all of you?

You are coming in as a skilled worker and will get a visa with approval to work that way. Your spouse is trailing and does not automatically qualify for a workers visa.

if you want to pursue this, you need to look at the reality of the situation. Taking the entire family is going to be expensive and difficult. You will likely need an immigration attorney.

I am American, and personally believe that if you have a good school (NY has many) the US approach to secondary is better than the UK. If I could, I would love to relocate my kids back to the us for secondary BUT I would only do so if I could see them through to the end. The uk ed system can be really brutal if you don’t stay on track, and leaving the system for a couple of years would definitely be off track. Going to the US and then coming back part way through secondary would almost certainly be detrimental unless you kids are super high achievers or are home educated, so yabu to write this off.

Yes, this. All the ‘stars’ leave their families at home in the UK (Hugh Laurie did during the filming of House, the main ‘detectives’ in Death in Paradise all did it, etc.)

You are making this all about what you want, not what is best for your family.

Indeed. Eight shows a week and possibly two weeks vacation a year not all taken at the same time doesn’t lend itself to much transatlantic hopping.

I wouldn't uproot older kids for 18 months. Also the cost of housing in NYC is crazy. Do you both even have work rights? You might get sponsored but your husband would need his own sponsorship and may not be allowed in to the US at all without a work visa.

If if is a once in a lifetime opportunity for you, I'd go and then fly back to see your family and have them over to visit.

No, you can't insist. At their ages, they will also have a say.

I’m from the states and personally I wouldn’t go. I made the move the other way around and found it really hard and both the US and UK were much more stable back then. The other thing is that if you stay for a few years and they don’t actually hate it the kids may not want to go back and you’d be stuck.

What kind of people are your children? Some kids would thrive in that kind of opportunity but others thrive on continuity and familiarity. I do think you need to consider the actual impact on your children - a lot of people don't and use the 'resilience' line, and of course a lot of people just aren't in the position to. You are though. It doesn't mean you need to put anything on hold but it does mean you may need to compromise - which you want everyone else to do.

I don’t think this can be true, but on the off chance…. YABU. You can’t force them all to move around the world against their will. Either you go alone, or you keep auditioning in the UK.

Indeed, they’d be unlikely to get the visas required any way.

The kids education will suffer hugely if you take them out for 18 months. This is a massive thing to consider and could impact their futures.

Have you considered moving somewhere safer? Like downtown Kyiv for example?

Surely this post isn’t real.

If it is, you’re being massively selfish.

You’d insist on them moving just so you don’t have to deal with feeling like you’ve abandoned them, but are happy enough to force them to go against their wills and have them live like that?

Wow.

Go and live your dream, leave your children here with their father to raise them in the home they know.

If you insist it’s a fast track to a divorce and years of resentment from your children.

You cannot be serious????

You can’t insist that your children go. They are British, and no court will agree with you and let you take them. Your husband would win that. So no, you can’t just insist they go and take them.

Have you even looked into the visa process and the time that will take? And the cost of immigration lawyers and everything. Have you actually paid attention to what’s happening in the US right now? And you think that’s the best place for your children?

No. If you want to go then go. But you won’t be able to take your kids if he says no.

And America right now? Really?

Tehran has a lot of empty properties coming on the market soon, too.

I can’t physically force DH to go to New York no but I could insist that the children come yes.

No, you can't insist the children come. No court will force a 14 year old and 11 year old to move to the US over their father's objections and their own objections.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land