To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

I think it’s really important you take a look at how quickly America is changing before you make a decision even for yourself.

US citizens are being racially profiled, beaten and taken by ICE straight off the streets. It’s not happening in NYC…. Yet. But it’s only taken a year to get here. Being a foreign born person in America right now is really not something you want to be

For an initial 18 months you should go on your own and they can visit.

go and enjoy it, it’s an amazing opportunity. Everything doesn’t have to happen all at once ease into, New York is an excellent place to live.

different states have different cultures. And the reality is that trump is moving against cities that don’t have his donors in. That way he hasn’t sent the NG to SF even though it’s full of crackheads.
its very much strategic agitation, you will be fine

I’ve literally just come home from watching a Broadway musical - what a fantastic opportunity, @TheCoralBear! I’m sure your DH and DC will come round to the idea. Once they’re here they’ll wonder why on earth they resisted it. I moved out here from the UK in 2024 and it has honestly been an absolute dream. I just wish I’d done it sooner!

Best of luck.

Given the unpredictable nature of Trump and the events of just the last fortnight, both in South America and domestically, coupled with the Greenland issue, I can totally understand why your DH has changed his mind. I'd be giving the US a wide swerve too, especially if I had kids and no citizenship.

You don't get to insist they go. I think when you make any life changing decision, moving house, having kids, going to live abroad, getting a dog, both adults need to be on board and I think if you have older children so do they. The status quo is your default. How can you insist your children give up their lives, friends, other family members (?), school and everything they know. By all means talk to them about the advantages (if there are any) but uprooting them against their will so you can pursue your dreams isn't really on. When you create a family, it is no longer just about you.

It's one thing if your husband considered he might want to live abroad but another when it becomes a reality. He may have started to think about the pros and cons and at the end of the day, people are allowed to change their minds. He might also be seeing how the idea has landed with your kids. I think you are being a bit hard on your husband tbh.

Also America at the moment? No thanks.

YABU.

Hi OP, this is a tricky one!
Do you know what visa you would be entitled to/offered? I ask, because they don’t all entitle partners to work in the US as well. If yours did, but your contract ended unexpectedly (think you mentioned that could happen, but also, employee rights are minimal in the US. You can get sacked on the spot), your visa would end too and so would your partners. Think you have about a month to leave. Just something to think about.
Hope you manage to come up with a solution x

This. It's an amazing opportunity but absolutely not one you can move your entire family for unless you are very wealthy. You will need to evaluate your priorities and see where you are at. Go for 6 months run and see how it is. New York is seriously expensive, the visas are complicated and surely you need to see how this pans out first. Maybe your DH didn't think this all through before you auditioned. Give it a go and see. The dc will be fine for a bit and you can see how it might work going forward.

So what about the disruption to your DC education if they are changing school/ education system twice in 2 yrs?

For me whether you are being unreasonable or not would hinge on a few factors:

Your children are at important ages, one on the precipice of GCSE’s, one at the start of their secondary education where friendships which will important to them in the next few years are going to be formed. How confident are your children socially and academically? What are their future dreams and ambitions - would a change in schooling support these or impact them in the future possibly?

Are you or your husband the breadwinner? Will you be able to survive on your salary alone if your husband is unable to secure work? Will he be able to easily and quickly secure work on return to the UK if you need to? Will you be able to have the same living standard in the US?

Have you sacrificed for your husbands career? Is it “your turn”? Would the impact this would have on your career supersede any financial benefit to your husband’s career by staying here?

Do you own your property? Would you be able to get out of your rental contract easily if not? Would you be able to rent out the property easily if you own? If the contract is cut short and you need to return to the UK, will you be able to secure a new rental easily, or evict tenants easily? It would be potentially very hard to secure short term tenants dependent on area you live in, and if you can’t that’s a bit of a gamble. If your contract is cut short you then have nowhere to return to. What would you do in terms of renting property in the US? You may be locked into a long tenancy which you then need to continue paying for and a contract that is cut short. Alongside this what would you do about furniture and personal possessions storage?

Have you/your husband got any loved ones who are unwell or unable to travel easily? If not, how would you/your husband/your children cope with missing them during this time? Would finances allow trips home for example? Would you have the space out there for them to visit? What about pets?

Plus flights to NY in advance can be pretty cheap so book them to visit in a half term so you have something to look forward to.

they will manage with you for a bit. Maybe they’ll want to try living there after exams. But it’s not necessary they move yet.
focus on settling in and enjoying your dream in amazing city and making some friends!

Are you planning in paying for your GCSE child to go to a private International school? If not I don’t see how they can catch up in the American school system of GPAs and school ‘careers’ needed to get into college. Can you afford American universities?

What happens if after the 18 month contract finishes there’s no renewal or lucrative roles lined up?

Its a brilliant opportunity but I wouldnt move to US for anything at the moment. DH was offered a job in US, a million dollars a year. Life changing money for us but he/we turned it down. Its a horrible place to live at the moment. I have children similar ages

Just so wildly unreasonable, it's breathtaking.

I think you are being blinded by broadway and not the bigger picture.

I'm team dh and kids..

I have worked in the theatre industry for 20 years. I think you're irresponsible even considering uprooting the entire family and kids approaching GCSEs for an 18-month contract which means nothing if the show folds in a few months (which, unless it's an existing long-running show like Wicked) is more likely than not. Very few new musicals get more than a year's run at present.

That's without the current state of the US right now. Maybe your DH thought it sounded excited to be supportive, but didn't expect you to actually get it. Now he's realised the actuality and the reality of living in the US right now.

If this real then surely you would know that your DH would not automatically be entitled to work in the USA. It’s a long process (even longer these days) and it could be YEARS before he gets his green card. Your visa does not entitle him to work as well.

Living in New York is incredibly expensive - how will you afford to rent / buy a family home there? Even the commutable suburbs are hugely pricey.

Visas can also be revoked at anytime for any reason - if your play ends so will your sponsorship and visa - you can’t just stay and look for something else.

So, yes you are being very unreasonable to uproot your family for what could be a few weeks or with the swinging sword of visa revoking hanging over you constantly. It would be very stressful and unfair to put your family through that.

How old are your children? Can you afford to go private? NYC is not the best environment to bring kids up - speaking from the perspective of having family and friends living in America - all of whom have moved out of NYC. Why don't you go, see how you settle and revisit the family idea in a few months time. Your career is important - but so is your family's well-being.

No way would I be uprooting my very settled family for an 18 month job opportunity. You'd barely even settle.

Your eldest would be equivalent of GCSE sitting when you finished. You'd seriously risk royally fucking up her education and what qualifications she takes forward. She wouldn't have the US ones, they get them at 18, and she wouldn't have spent the last 18 months studying the GCSE syllabus if you have no job and have to come back.

Your husband wouldn't be able to work for those 18 months, the visa process would take too long so he'd have no job and a gap in employment.

They have valid reasons for not wanting to go. They have lives here. Family, friends, home, job, education, stability. Your reason for leaving is that you want to be a Broadway star. Then they say OK you go and we stay and you refuse and want to put your foot down?!? So basically your way and that's that, zero compromise from you. 100% how you want it even if its much worse for the 3 other people in your family. It's pure selfishness. You can't have everything.

When you were auditioning it was distant/ unknown. It does suck now that he says no. But your children are also saying no, did you ask them before hand? It is totally up heaving their lives and I don't blame them for not wanting to

Will your wage be sufficient to support the entire family? Assuming you aren’t a family of Americans, your husband won’t have the right to work in US. Does this opportunity work from a practical perspective?

I live here from London. Do it. It’s a wonderful experience. New York is not like the rest of America. I feel safe and I feel protected in ways I’m not sure I would in other states.

As someone who switched between the US and UK school systems as a child, I would advise against this for secondary / high school level. You might assume it's essentially the same, but it's not. It will not be a seamless transition from an education perspective.

Is there a compromise where they fly to you in NYC for all school holidays, including all six weeks of summer, and you fly back frequently? There are plenty of people who do that for business and it's actually a short flight, relatively speaking. Perfectly fine for a long weekend.

Also, practically and legally I don't think you would be able to force children to move, at ages 11 and 14? If you got divorced from your husband, your children could choose to live with him and not you. You also can't just pick them up and put them on a plane, if they don't want to go. Or bribe them with sweets and Peppa Pig, or whatever. They are old enough to choose not to do it.

Personally think you are being selfish and will only cause resentment if you were to force them to move, especially for a short term contract.

I wouldn't underestimate the impact on your 14 year old moving schools, to a completely different education system will have massive impact, what happens if you have to return in 18 months when they should be midway through GCSE's?

Your husband has given you the best option, grab the opportunity and go out by yourself and see if you like it, and let them come a visit regularly during holidays.

What an amazing opportunity. I would ask DH & DC to come for 3 weeks or so to see how he/ they liked it. If DH wants to go home, are you able to keep the kids there with you? Could you get them into daycare/school or get a minder at night (when I assume you will work most)?

If they totally refuse still, I would go alone and come home for one weekend a month or something like that. I am sure you would get vacation time too. Good luck OP!