MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Your child comes first from now on, newborns need their mums IMO I really doubt you will want to leave him/her anyway. Send your apologies, if she has a tantrum, fine, she's already made her self sound ridiculous saying the day should be all about her anyway.

How on earth can your sister dictate who is upstairs in the hotel when her wedding is on downstairs, does she run the hotel?

I'd tell her how it was going to be. I'll be downstairs for the ceremony and as much as I can during the day while the baby sleeps. Baby will be upstairs in the room with MIL. But also realistically, I don't know how I'll feel after giving birth, I may be unwell, baby may be unwell and there is a chance I/we may not make it. Also even if we do make it, she may not settle or sleep and I will have to put the baby first. For those reasons she may want to either a) pick someone else as MOH or b) take it as it comes on the day.

Wow, how selfish is she. Time to put yourself and baby first. I wouldn’t attend.

Jesus Christ, what a fucking narcissist. Honestly, you'll be in no fit state to leave a newborn that young. Just tell her you can't go. How the fuck are you supposed to feed the baby?
Talk about bridezilla. I despair.

At between 4-6 weeks old your baby is too young to be left for the whole day and you are likely to be shattered and still settling fully into motherhood.

Depending on how birth goes you may not be up to a full day wedding. Whilst I was up and about and recovering well from my Emergency CS I know other women who struggled 6-8 weeks on. I also know women who had natural births who were still struggling with pain and mobility and sitting for long periods of time 6-8 weeks on too. I would very much have a conversation to manage expectations. You yourself might not be fully up to been a MOH for the full day of the wedding.

Your plan to bring your MIL to look after baby in the hotel room is perfect. MIL gets to spend time with baby, baby is cared for and comfortable and able to nap/ be changed ect and not passed around like a pass the parcel, you and DH are nearby to feed and resettle. No-one at all is going to notice that you are popping up for a feed or cuddle amongst the chaos of the day. As long as you are there for ceremony to play role of MOH, photos and sat at table for speeches no-one pays any attention to what other guests are doing once the ceremony begins, during transitions from ceremony to photos or food arrives. I even doubt anyone would notice you slipping out the back of the ceremony for 10 mins once you've walked down the isle if you walk down to the back of the congregation and are not a witness so needed after vows. Even photos, most guests are only in a couple and often talk amongst themselves or slope off for drinks and nibbles once their photo is taken. The photographer usually takes bride and groom off to do photos whilst everyone else has drinks and nibbles and no-one keeps track of anyone else.

I would say that unless baby can stop in hotel room with MIL then you will not be able to come to the whole day and also manage expectations regarding the MOH role and what you may not be able to do. It might be that sister wants to prepare another bridesmaid to step up or share the role with you.

The only reason I can think that your Sister is against the baby coming to the hotel room with MIL is that she thinks you are going to bring the baby down and pass it round like a parcel during the reception. Or that guests will be sloping off upstairs to MIL's hotel room to see the baby during her day.

I voted YABU simply as you did not immediately stand up to your sister and tell her you will not be leaving your tiny baby miles away and therefore are stepping away from MOH role.

She needs to find someone else to do it.

Why do so many people enable these selfish and egocentric family members?

If a new nephew is so harshly unwelcome anywhere near her wedding then she simply isnt really family is she?

Your baby is far, far more important than she is. I could never in my wildest dreams reject a newborn niece/nephew from a family event.

If she's insecure about him this early, I'd hate to think of whatever next she'll deem him "too attention worthy" of. I was attached to my babies for the first few years, never would I have been able to leave a newborn for hours.

I remember considering attending a wedding taking place on a date when I would have been 3 weeks PP. It was a childhood family friend, my parents and entire family were going and my baby would have been warmly welcomed. My mother even said she would take the baby in the evening so I could enjoy the party.

I had a reasonably good delivery though did have an episiotomy and forcepts, and I absolutely would not have been able for that wedding, the travelling, hotel stay etc and this is with all the help in the world. Wild horses would also not have kept me from my newborn for any length of time.

Thankfully I declined expecting this. Your sister is utterly unreasonable and I can't see how you can make this work. I'm sorry OP.

Considering you are close she is being completely unreasonable, thoughtless and unkind.
I would withdraw from MOH duties, you will have a tiny precious baby to look after.
At my SIL and brothers wedding their room was available all day for members of the family to use for baby feeds, toddler naps, or for anyone who just needed a break (very elderly members of the family were also present).
They just wanted everyone to attend and be comfortable and their day was still very much about them and a celebration.

If you’re breastfeeding a 4 or 6 week old baby, then no, you cannot be away from them all day, let alone 2 days. It would be a big ask too for someone else to mind a newborn away from their mum for a few days.

You’ve offered the most sensible suggestion, your MIL minding your baby in the hotel bedroom. This doesn’t suit the bride so you may tell her you can’t attend now. No doubt there will be an almighty row and backlash but you may just close your ears to it all and disengage.

It's only a wedding, give her notice that she'll need a new MOH and groomsman.

I am sitting here with my newborn miracle baby and let me tell you, he is a normal baby that wants to be close to his mummy pretty much 24/7. I am.breast feeding him and if I nip out to do some errands for an hour or so, I just want to get back and be with him asap. Just wait for the cluster feeding to commence! You can just about go to the loo, if you’re lucky!

My baby was born very premature. You cannot plan for what might happen before, at your baby’s birth or after. You will need rest and will be on a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when your hormones fall off a cliff. I’d bow out of the wedding now.

Your sister can’t be that close to you for her to treat you and her new niece/nephew like this. She said she would resent the baby? WTF? Who resents a baby?? Especially one you’ve waited so long to have. She sounds jealous and selfish.

Congratulations, BTW. This is wonderful for you! You are going to experience the miracle of birth and motherhood. It’s a beautiful journey. You deserve those around you to be excited and pleased for you, not jealous and resentful! X

Does she have kids? I know child free weddings are all the rage and that it’s the couples choice but I think most people have to be pretty unreasonable to include babies, especially newborns in that.

If baby was upstairs and you are bfing that would be feasible, but a 20min drive away and baby probably wanting to feed every hour just won’t be happening. If you successfully establish bfing often they won’t want to take a bottle.

I would just hope that when she has her own kids she looks back and is truly embarrassed at her attitude.

Unfortunately you will probably find your sister too demanding and unreasonable anyway, given her attitude, for you to be able to satisfy her MOH requirements around your pregnancy. That's apart from any demands around attendance of baby. That level of selfishness is untenable when you will have your baby and yourself to look after.

Ah that’s so sad. I’m old. I can normally have a lot of perspective on here, I can normally give a balanced two sided argument…but I can’t on this one. Tbh I don’t see how you can go… you can’t put your sister ahead of your own child, a newborn at that. I can only assume your sister can’t have children and selfishly just can’t relate.

You do also need to take into account also, how you will feel in yourself. I attended my SILs wedding 6 weeks after the birth of my second child. I was young, I bounced back figure wise well the first time even though I wasn’t prepared at all how my body would look after….but I attended that wedding bigger than I wanted to, in a dress I would never wear to accommodate size and breastfeeding (.)(.) with shoes and tights 😭🫣 that I would never wear whilst all the time having to leave my baby back home with one of my MILs friends as I had no one to babysit him and my very elderly nan was looking after my other toddler. I was there the min time that I could get away with. I just felt 💩 about the whole situation.

honestly don’t do it xxx

You need to not go; you have essentially been uninvited, you can't expect a mother to be separated from her newborn. If I was your DH I would also not go due you how they have treated you. If you are breastfeeding you will need to be close to your newborn all day. You will also still be recovering from giving birth; you may even have had a C-section. I was a bridesmaid at around 8 weeks postpartum and it was incredible tough. My baby was welcome at the whole day including whilst we got ready but I was uncomfortable in the dress, it was hard to breastfeed in it and I leaked milk down it! I would have preferred to just be a guest without the pressure and extra photos in a dress of my choosing able to tend to my baby more.

Dont know how to vote because you're giving this insanity airtime and consideration. Your sister is being outrageous. Tell her no can do on the hugely unreasonable request and that you're sorry to be missing her big day. I can't believe people like her exist tbh. So depressing.

You’re planning to breastfeed so I don’t see how this would work - there’s often a spurt around six weeks when they want to be on boob non stop. Staying 20 mins away mins leaving for over an hour every time you need to feed so you’ll miss most of the day and be stressed running around. Congrats on your pregnancy - do what works for you. Your sister sounds incredibly immature worrying about a baby stealing her limelight.

I've had 5 kids, if i was pregnant with baby #6 and I was put in this situation I would 100% be saying absolutely not, I won't be attending. I will be wherever my baby is. You will be an anxious new mum and the entire experience would be very hard on you and your baby. Say no. She'll be mortified when she looks back when she has her first child.

I don't have children. Never wanted them. Couldn't see the attraction.

But I'm absolutely fucking ENRAGED on behalf of the OP. You should say you cannot attend if that's her attitude and only agree to go IF she makes it possible for you to have your much-wanted little baby on the same building with you.

have I seen similar posts before? Are there so many totally unreasonable brides out there?

PS my sibling's new born was my one and only wedding attendant. The day was joyful and the photos lovely

What an absolute bitch your sister is. Insecure, self centred and threatened by a newborn. I’d pull out. I know somebody else this happened to and their relationship never recovered. She is massively unreasonable, especially as she’s expecting you to do this while only a few weeks post partum. Fuck that.

I can barely believe this is real. If it is your sister is one hell of a cow, sorry. You bow out of being MOH now and say you’ll attend the ceremony if that’s possible. Your sister must be one of the most selfish egotistical people on earth.

There is no way I would attend this wedding, no matter how close to my sister I was!

In fact, I couldn't have a close relationship with a sister who treated me and my baby like this.

You're unlikely to be up to this, even if baby was allowed to attend. Back out now, say you'll aim to attend ceremony and a first drink if youre up to it.