MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Congratulations!

A 4 - 6 week old baby could be cluster feeding etc, and I wouldn’t leave a baby that she at all.

Let alone 20 mins away. How on earth could that work? You’d have a 40 min return trip plus 20 mins feeding every two hours. Mad.

Your DSis is unhinged.

But I think it v difficult to be MOH with a tiny newborn. Resign from the role and tell her you just can’t commit to leaving a 4 or 5 week old baby so will not be able to attend.

I would say none of you are going if baby can't be on the premises. If you're breastfeeding you'll struggle to make even that work as at that stage I think mine fed for over half an hour every couple of hours. Your presence will be spotty at best.

I went almost 2 weeks overdue, had an EMCS after a failed forceps attempt. I had stitches both places! 4 weeks after baby was born I wouldn't have been in a bridesmaid dress if you'd paid me. I was breastfeeding exclusively and did not want to leave my baby.

I had a hair appointment when baby was about 5 weeks old because my hair got too long while pregnant and it was really pissing me off. Wet cut, was in there literally 20 minutes. I fed baby right before my appointment, then asked DH to walk baby in pram while he slept but didn't let him walk out of where I could see from the salon windows! Then we went for lunch to the cafe next door and baby woke and wanted feeding again. Had been maybe an hour since last feed.

I always fed baby before going food shopping and I didn’t manage a full food shop without having to stop and feed baby somewhere (or just feed them while walking round the shop with DH) until baby was around 4 months old.

I wouldn't go. I would only go if the baby could attend and stay with me. When my babies were that small they were never out of my sight.

Tell her sorry, but you cant attend.

You can't go, you will have a newborn baby to care for. Your sister is nuts.

Step down as MoH.

You really don't know how you will be feeling at that stage post birth. I was still a mess at that point after I had had DD1, and not much better after DD2. DD3 was an emergency caesarean so I definitely wouldn't yet have been ready. Also, few new mothers are ready to leave their newborns for longer than a couple of hours at most while they are still at that age.

If you still hope to do this (and I honestly wouldn't) then tell your sister that it is really very simple - she either accepts your solution or you can't attend. The. End.

Does your sister have children or any experience with a newborn baby? It doesn’t sound like it. She is also being a bridezilla!
At 4-6 weeks you’ll be breastfeeding anywhere between every 45 minds - 3 hours and that is so your baby doesn’t get dehydrated. Giving it a bottle for 1-2 days at this age could jeopardise your breastfeeding journey, not to mention dry up your milk supply. You’d have to pump every 2-3 hours just to maintain supply day and night. This is coming from a trained breastfeeding peer supporter. If you’re not going to breastfeed your biggest concern would be separation, which at this stage might cause you some emotional stress/upset since you’re hormones will be all over the place and it’s with your MIL who will have her own way of looking after kids despite lists you leave her. I’d honestly just say I can’t agree to that sister, MIL will have to stay in hotel at venue. Let her kick the heck off and deal with the fall out. Honestly when she has her own baby she will pick up the phone CRYING saying how sorry she is. Or she will be oblivious and act like she’s the first person to ever give birth. So yeah just put yourself and more importanly your newborn baby first. Babies brains are sponges, your sisters has already developed so there’s not much hope there unfortunately. Give your kid a chance at least! Hehe

This is ridiculous. A newborn baby is pretty much still part of you. I breastfed my baby, and she was still attached to me a lot at that age. I'd have left her for 1-2 hours max if needed, but in all honesty, found I didn't want to be apart from her when she was that tiny. Certainly not 1-2 days! Either the baby comes or you don't. End of.

Your sister is vile (and unhinged). If she isn’t going to allow the baby anywhere near, there’s no way you can go.

Your sister is being a psycho. Pull out now!

I agree. You need to step down as MOH and say that if your baby isn’t even welcome at the venue in your room you can’t be at the wedding. Even if you could be away (bottle fed, DH was with baby) you need to be prepared for the fact that at 4-6 weeks old you most likely won’t want to be.

I know this will be a rough conversation but you and your baby need to come first in your world.

“I won’t be in attendance without my newborn so I will withdraw from MOH duties and it’s unlikely I will be able to attend this he wedding”

don’t feel guilty. I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t be apologising either.

if you are breast feeding you would need to either feed or express every 3-4h or your boobs will explode (genuinely you would be very uncomfortable with breasts like rocks and probably leak milk through your dress - you can go for longer when bay is older but at 4-6 weeks it’s still exploding boob territory). So you either need baby with you or to sort expressing which not everyone gets on with.

To go against the grain I would have been fine leaving my baby overnight and expressing at this stage but I realise I’m in the minority

I guess your sister may have her reasons for not wanting the baby there, does she have fertility issues etc or there are complicated family dynamics about it, rather than simply being a princess. Still I think not accepting MIL minding baby upstairs is a bit OTT

Also, sounds as though she’d be the type to berate your for not being back to your pre-pregnancy shape and weight in just 4 weeks because it would ‘ruin’ the photos in her mind. (20 years later and I still haven’t ‘regained’ my figure, lol).

Decline the invitation this is selfish on her part and unrealistic. I couldn't have been in a different room to my nb let alone hotel that early on

It's not going to work. She's not going to be able to compromise on anything, if she won't let your baby be upstairs. Even if the baby was on hand, she'd huff and puff every time you had to leave for a while to feed, etc. She will want to be the focus of your attention every second.

She has no clue what it's going to be like for your with a 4-6 week old. Let's face it, there's also the risk that your boobs will leak on to your dress!

Does she have any friends with babies? I think she needs to hear the reality from someone who's 'been there'.

Decline. Now.

what she’s proposing is selfish and ridiculous

Fuck that shit, let her find another maid of honour.

Feeding logistics aside, you'll be deep in the trenches of newborn life... Probably sleep deprived, tired and the last thing you'll want to do is get doled up and go to the wedding as a "major player".

At 4/6 weeks pp with first baby I could barely function never mind be dressed for a wedding. It’s so hard to say how you’ll feel or how your delivery may be, easier now to pass then pull out at the last minute. She may not like it and it could cause upset but, you’ll be exhausted, sleep deprived the list goes on! Weddings are long days

No way should you attend. It would be incredibly difficult and unfair on all involved - you, the baby, and whoever is looking after the baby. At that age baby will unlikely settle for anyone else for even a short period of time never mind 1-2 days!

Yeah I wouldn’t be going at all, certainly not with a 4/6 week old baby that wasn’t adored on the premises. I’d absolutely 100% withdraw right now and let her make other arrangements for both of you. Nobody would be treating my newborn like that. Not ever.

She isn’t willing to make reasonable adjustments. She can’t expect you to leave a breastfeeding newborn baby in another hotel.

I was bridesmaid when my DD was two weeks old. She was a very welcome guest at the wedding. Yes a lot did take photos of her. But they also took as many photos of the flower girls. She’s being a ridiculous bridezilla.

Your baby will literally be fine but it’s not the point, I wouldn’t be going. I’ve got 3 sisters & none would have an attitude like that! Especially after your losses, don’t allow her to put any blame on you for pulling out either. She has done this by being so unreasonable!

No, don't go along with this. Just resign as MOH and don't even go to the wedding (don't make a big thing of it, just don't go).

HIGHLY unlikely you'll want to be parted from your baby at that age OP. Especially if you're breastfeeding. You'll still be bleeding possibly and feeling yucky.

I think I would pull out and send husband. Tell the bride you've decided she's right, the day is all about her but unfortunately you can't agree to those terms as nobody knows what the birth is going to be like. You could have a section or your baby may need to be in hospital for a bit. There are too many maybes.

Better to tell her now so she can find a stand in.

Your sister is being a complete idiot. Tell her you have no choice but to step down from being MOH then. What a silly cow.