MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Good god, your sister needs to get over herself

I hope your parents can manage to come up with something that works for you both - I really thought your suggestion seemed very reasonable so I don't think compromise feels like the answer here!

I suspect in a few years time your sister may look back and be appalled by how she behaved.

Your sister sounds like a complete arsehole. Id not go. Never mind her resenting you. If i was you id have some big time resentment for her and her ridiculousness

I suspect in a few years time your sister may look back and be appalled by how she behaved.

I bloody hope so. I had to go back and read the first post again as I thought I must have misunderstood; nobody could be that self-centered and uncaring surely? Well apparently they can, so well done OP for refusing to be part of this charade.

uou are right not to go

In a year or two, your sister will have her own baby and will realise what an unreasonable brat she was

Absolutely not. I attended a family wedding with my 4 week old baby earlier this year. They slept most of the day but I absolutely could not have left them - breastfeeding or not.

If this was my sister and given your past experiences, I would be sending my apologies now and I could never ever forgive her.

I think you are wildly underestimating how you’ll feel post partum. There is no way I would have left my baby at that age. Remove yourself from the wedding now and be done with it. Your sister sounds vile

If you do breastfeed then no it absolutely won't be possible to leave the baby at this age for more than about an hour. They feed all the time. You could try introducing combination feeding - I tried with mine but no luck. Both completely rejected a bottle, whether of my milk or formula. I tried many different bottles and techniques. And also why should you if your only reason is your sister's demands? And even if you somehow managed a longer period away from the baby you'd need to express every so often, if breastfeeding, for your own comfort.

I think the best thing to do would be to say to your sister that you should be ok for the ceremony with the baby parked in a car outside or being pushed in the pram outside (with MIL of course) but you can't attend the rest of the day.

Obviously if you aren't breastfeeding it's more doable but still unpleasant for you and the baby. They need you at this age.

This is beyond selfish of your sister. I get people can get swept up in it being “their day” but this is ridiculous. Her wedding day is not more important than your literal human child.

Your sisters poor attitude aside… what if you give birth 2 weeks late? Due dates are not a given so you may end up with a much younger baby than you think on her wedding day. What if you need a C section? Not to scare you but some of my friends had less than quick recoveries after their sections and still needed help showering 4-6 weeks post partum, nowhere near capable of fulfilling MOH duties. There are plenty more what ifs.

Are you planning to breastfeed? If so you will
literally NEED access to your baby every few hours, even if you introduce a bottle for them but are wanting to breastfeed you would atoll
need to slip away from the wedding every few hours to pump to maintain your supply and stop your boobs from exploding.

More to the point what if you don’t WANT to leave your baby? You won’t know what type of parent you will be on that topic until your baby is here. I would manage your sisters expectations now and make sure she has a plan B for the day if you can’t attend last minute or accept that you are withdrawing if she isn’t happy with this.

basically your sister shouldn’t even be expecting you to attend her wedding let alone be expecting to attend without your baby! What is your mum saying about her attitude? Surely people are telling her she’s being unreasonable.

Doesn’t want baby on the premises in a hotel room? Sister is unhinged

A couple of hours from a newborn has always been ok with me ,actually nice to have my arms back ….but on my terms,being told that my baby is not allowed in the same building as me is not ok regardless of the reason!
I actually feel bad for your parents trying to navigate their daughter’s self absorption! Bloody shocking.X

There is no way you should go along with this madness. I have no words to describe your sister. You need to be with your baby who will need you. Cancel attending the wedding and no apologies ~ your place is with your baby.

I’m frequently baffled by the mumsnet ‘I couldn’t leave my child till they were 6 months for more than 10 minutes’ brigade.

But your sister refusing to let MiL and baby on the premises when you are in postnatal period and will probably be breastfeeding 🤦🏻‍♀️. She’s absolutely insane and completely out of order. Poor MIL too I mean seriously.

Your parents rightly should be upset—their daughter is banning their grandchild/her nephew!

She's jealous of a baby because she thinks it'll take some attention away from her. Oh dear.

I’m sorry but I’ve never read anything so selfish - if u were my sister I would want you and my neice/nephew there - stealing the limelight? She needs to grow up!! Just don’t go

I had to go to a friend's wedding at a similar time. I just went to church whilst husband sat outside with baby. I watched service and then went home with them. I couldn't have been separated at that age

I’m so sorry OP, your sister is an absolute horror.

She doesn’t want to be upstaged by her own sister’s brand new baby, even if said baby is in a room in another part of the venue, but she’s ok with everyone at the wedding discussing the fact that her sister is not in attendance and why?

Baby comes first and so do your feelings, don't go or go as a guest not MOH

I would not have felt up for all this and the drama that comes with it 4 weeks post partum. I also know that my sister loves my baby and would never have asked this of me. Even the strictest “no children” weddings I’ve been to have made exceptions for immediate family and newborns. You’re being super flexible by offering to keep your baby in the room with your MIL - your sister can decide who is at her wedding but she can’t tell you what you can do with your hotel room. She sounds like a monster to be honest, I can’t imagine putting an acquaintance in this position let alone my own sister - it’s cruel for both mum and baby! I’d say you’ve tried to be flexible and come up with alternative arrangements but can’t make it if this doesn’t work!

I have major regret from not declining a MOH position when in a difficult family situation and I would 100% say no I can’t honour this commitment if something similar happens in the future because it was just way too stressful so please look after yourself and your baby and tell your sister that unfortunately it’s not happening.

Your sister is an idiot, and if she ever has kids, will understand how absolutely unforgivable this is. Your baby sadly cannot be apart from you at 4-6 weeks old! Your milk isn’t even established until 12 weeks earliest. Even upstairs is unrealistic as you’ll basically spend the whole time upstairs with the baby. I’m sorry you can no longer go and I hope your parents can make her see sense. Surely your niece or nephew is PART of the day being about you! Just crazy

I’m sorry to say your sister might be a psychopath.
Your poor parents, an even more impossible situation for them.

Your sister is horrendous. It is beyond ridiculous that any adult would expect a new mum to leave their 4-6 week old baby for a wedding for a day or two. To then not allow MIL to look after baby in a hotel room away from the function is bonkers. If I was your father, I'll be honest, I would withdraw from the wedding too. I would be ashamed to have raised a daughter that thought what your sister is doing is OK. There are bridezillas and then there is this - a whole new level. Even if DSis backed down now, I'd tell her to shove it.

At 6 weeks pp I was only just able to drive again after a c-section so depending on when baby arrives, the possibility of driving to another hotel is not feasible. At 7 weeks pp I went for a postnatal massage and was away from my baby for less than 2hrs and she was not happy about it despite being left with her dad. I've only just left her overnight for the first time - she's 2.
Thereotically, you could rock up at the ceremony without the baby, be in the ceremony as MOH and head back to the hotel after but you won't know if that's actually feasible until baby arrives.

Tbh I think your sister will completely change himer tune when baby arrives. I was young when my niece was born and had the same thoughts around limelight stealing, but I was absolutely smitten when she arrived and would have been happy to have all the attention at that point.