MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

I think your sister has really shown her true colours here!!! it's up to you if you have your newborn in a hotel room upstairs! What the hell does it have to do with her??? Selfish bint. if my sister spoke to me like that I'd be furious. But if you don't want to cause a huge family rift over her being a bridezilla then just tell her either your DH & baby stay upstairs/out of the way or none of you go at all.

Bridezilla, bale now before she gets into top gear.

My DS was my MOH when her baby was 6wks. Her DP stayed with baby at the venue all day so DS could enjoy herself, didn't hear a peep from DN. There was no way I wasn't having my DS or DN there. I even paid for their room. Your DS is being a selfish bitch I'm afraid.

Wow. Your sister is being completely unreasonable. How on earth would your baby “steal the limelight” by being upstairs in a hotel? That really does feel like bridezilla behavior.
It’s totally understandable that you’re offended. Being separated from your baby at just 4–6 weeks postpartum would be incredibly difficult, both emotionally and practically. You need to be able to get to your baby quickly if they need you — or if you need them. If you’re breastfeeding, that makes things even more complicated; you simply can’t be away from a newborn for hours at a time.
If she’s insisting on this, then at the very least she should be prepared to cover the cost of a nearby hotel room or Airbnb and accept that you’ll need to step away from the wedding multiple times, possibly for hours, factoring in feeding and travel time. Even then, it feels like a completely unfair expectation.
Honestly, after a request like that, I’d be inclined to say you’ll attend as a guest rather than as MOH, and that you won’t be able to stay long after the ceremony. What do your parents think about all of this?

No way on this earth would i have left ds at 4-6 weeks BF or not for a few hours never mind a day or 2.
It's your call but I would tell her you can't come.

Your sister is being awful looks like she needs to find a new MOH or she needs to get a grip of herself and stop being an attention seeking brat.
I personally wouldn’t go you have no idea how you are going to be after delivery and as a mum I can tell you you absolutely won’t want to be away from your precious bundle of joy that soon after giving birth.

This has really put everything into perspective for me so thank you everyone!
Just to answer some questions: the hotel is exclusive hire and my parents are so upset by it all and they’re trying their best to mediate. Hopefully she will change her mind but it won’t change the hurt it’s all caused.
I’ll update on what ends up happening for anyone who is curious xx

Your sister is being unreasonable and selfish. Words fail me.

Just tell your sister right now no tiny baby at the wedding even upstairs then no MOH. If sister won't negotiate then you definitely can't. Leaving this precious weeks old baby else where is preposterous and unbelievably selfish on sisters part. You would definitely not be ok with any such arrangement. Take care and don't worry.

Oh goodness, how awful for all of you. I’m so sorry.

Your sister sounds very insecure and a bit of a bridezilla if im honest. I think you should just decline now. Its not just about the day itself, but what about all the dress fittings etc how will you cope with them if you're due so close. What about organising the hen do etc im sure it's all stress you could do without heavily pregnant / very soon after giving birth. I think your sister will be very unreasonable nearer to the wedding if this is what she is like now.

I breastfed and between 4-6 weeks old would have wanted baby in my arms most of the time, upstairs with mil at a push and only if he wasn't cluster feeding and settled/happy. In a separate building - no way. Bottle feeding may be easier or if you can pump and leave mil upstairs with some milk. It will become apparent for you after baby is born and you establish how you're feeding what you can and can't do.

Your sister is within her rights to want a child free wedding but to banish baby from the same hotel is OTT and unreasonable.

She is being a selfish tw@ id tell her now you can no longer be MOH your baby comes first and you will not want ( and if breastfeeding won't be able) to be away from baby so young . Tell her you will attend the ceremony and then you will need to leave .

And she's your sister?
Geeez, I'm glad to see you are no longer attending. She needs to get over herself!

Wow, and she’s your sister? What a self centred bitch! I would stay away and if anyone asks why you tell them exactly why.

Yes, you want your wedding day to be about you AND YOUR SPOUSE, but to be jealous of a baby is just sick, frankly.

Like others have said, you have fought for this baby and early days can be hard work. You need to concentrate on you and your little boy. Tell her to get another MoH and then stay well away from the whole thing.

Good luck.

I can't believe she wouldn't accept your MIL upstairs with the baby as a solution! It's you that would have had to deal with people asking where the baby is/could they see it/hold it etc. For dealing with that all day and steadfastly being her MOH, she should have helped you come up with what to say to people, and been super grateful.

She should also have accepted you might not even be able to come! And had backup without complaint.

(Any decent sister would also get MIL some catering/room service for helping her have you in the wedding party, but that's by the by.)

has your sister said why exactly she feels like this?
My nephew was 10 days old when I got married, we would not have even considered him not being at the wedding. I have photos of me holding him etc, in hindsight that could have been a mistake had he vomited on me! But essentially weddings are about the bride and groom celebrating with their friends and family. I really feel for you, but you are doing the right thing. Your sister will regret her decision

We had a child free wedding however knowing my friend was due a few weeks before our wedding we opened the invite to include the baby and 3 year old. Personally I wouldn't attend.

Well done @Elliee0810 . Stick to your (very sensible) guns. This pregnancy and newborn are too precious to let your sister jeopardise any of it.

I feel for your parents. If she changes her mind, and allows MIL to stay with your dc upstairs you and your DH could go as guests, no special roles, but even in those circumstances prepare her for the fact that you might not be up to going at all.

maybe if she becomes a parent herself in the future she will be able to understand your perspective and feel suitably embarrassed at her behaviour.

I know some women go a bit tunnel vision and Bridezilla at this 'special ME ME ME time' in their lives but that is way over the top narcissism. You say you're very close to her - she doesn't sound as if she feels that's reciprocated. I mean, a wedding ISN'T all about the bridge - otherwise it'd be a solo photoshoot and nobody else would be invited! It's a celebration for family and close friends who want to wish the couple (not just the bride) well. If she can't cope with the fact that close family members have something else going on then why would she invite anyone else at all?

I would just tell her how upset you are and that absolutely nobody thinks it's ok to separate a newborn baby from its mum, that you have had a lot of heartbreak leading up to this happy birth, and that she ought to be able to feel able to embrace the new baby as part of her day and the family celebration. She sounds shallow, self-absorbed and very immature. I'd be prepared to follow through by not going at all.

Your sister is off her rocker. I can't believe she would have a problem with her own newborn niece/nephew being in the same building as her just because it's her wedding. You have offered a perfectly reasonable and manageable solution that will be far less disruptive to her big day than it you had to travel 40mins round trip to an air BnB.

You have absolutely no idea what sort of delivery you'll have or how your body will recover. Even if you're up and about immediately, there's no chance you'll want to leave your tiny newborn for even a few hours let alone overnight!! Honestly, my babies are not 13yo and 11yo and I still hate being away from them overnight!

I suspect your sister is jealous. Of course her wedding day is special, but having a baby is sooo much more special and I can understand that she might be feeling that baby will steal her thunder. But honestly, everyone at the wedding will know you've had a baby recently. Even without bringing the baby to the wedding, you're going to be talking about him/her all day because people will be asking. She is not going to come off looking very good - they will all be thinking she's a first class hitch when they learn that you weren't allowed to bring your newborn. While I'm sure you wouldn't tell them it was because she was worried baby would steal her thunder (ridiculously childish- I'm assuming your sister is a teen bride, right?!), they will work that out for themselves.

What an absolute self-centred, insecure, petty, childish girl. Honestly, I feel ashamed for her.

Also, sorry that your parents are caught in the middle. I'd be wary as your sister sounds like she could be a narcissist and situations like this can easily drive a wedge, particularly if your parents are easily manipulated by her.

Hopefully one day your sister will look back and realise how ridiculous she was.

Having the baby hidden away upstairs with your MIL was a brilliant solution as your sister can still have her baby free day and all the limelight and you can pop upstairs and feed the baby quickly if and when needed.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. At that early stage I was pinned to the sofa breastfeeding very frequently. I barely wanted visitors. I was emotional and on edge. I think you'll want to stay with your new baby. Suddenly your sisters unkind attitude won't be as important.

I’ve just seen this post and can’t believe what I’ve read. Loads of people have newborns at siblings weddings including myself. What an utterly bizarre thing to do. Even if you did have your MiL help which is lovely of her, at that age it’s so hard to be apart from your baby. I can’t begin to imagine them not even being in the same hotel! Your sister sounds horrible and I can’t say I’d miss being at her wedding. I’d go and do something else ice and she can explain to the guests why you aren’t there!

Tell me your marriage won't last without telling me your marriage won't last. Your sister is a self-centered monster who is getting married for the wrong reasons.

You won't want to be away from your newborn likely at all, without it being for a few hours. Nevermind 1-2 days.

So sorry it's come to you not being able to attend your sisters wedding, but you'll have the best reason to not go ❤️ Congrats on your rainbow baby!