MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

That's her niece or nephew!

Has she always been a hideous person?

OP, I think your opening sentence should read ‘we WERE very close’.
You’re not close now! Start withdrawing yourself from her, I’m already feeling sorry for your sister’s future children.

If I was your mother I'd be disgusted with my other daughter

Same here

Went everywhere with pillows

This ☝️ 💯%
Op you should be getting excited for baby not worrying about upsetting your sister, just decline invite and be done, if she doesn't understand well that's on her op, she's being really selfish here not allowing baby upstairs in hotel room, wow!!

Agree don't go into details just you a happy have talked about it and its not convenient for you both to attend '

Stop worrying and start planning for this lovely baby,

This

Marriages like these never last. If not being the centre of the attention for 30 seconds because of competition from a new born baby is enough to challenge the brides ego, then good luck with the ups and downs of marriage! The wedding is clearly more "me, me me!" than "us, us, us!"

I'd have one more go at a rational discussion, no accusing or ultimatums, then if there is no movement, pull out.

Sorry your sister has revealed herself like this.

shit from your sister!!! I think you can’t really go tbh.. even with a baby you wouldn’t really be able to be present ‘at’ the wedding very involved etc the whole day and night. You’d have to keep dipping out to feed and change baby plus put them to nap in pram somewhere quiet or in a sling..

What your sister hasn't realised is that you and your baby not being there will only draw more attention than if you had been. People will be asking her and your mum where you are and what a shame because they were hoping to see the baby, and have you got a picture. Phones will come out, scrolling for pics of baby. I'd love to see her face then!

At this stage you have no idea what kind of birth you will have. Baby could come early/late, you may have an easy natural birth or you might end up with an emergency C-section. You literally have no idea, until labour starts!

The fact that your sister is against your newborn baby even being at the same venue, in a hotel room because she thinks the baby will take attention away from her is immature, mean and utterly pathetic. She's expecting you to travel 20 minutes to the nearest hotel, so you can feed your baby and come back again!!! I am making a massive assumption here that your sister doesn't have children!!!!

At this point you would be better to bow out. Tell your sister that you will have a newborn baby, will be breastfeeding, and her requirements aren't going to work. You won't be a MOH or attending her wedding, as you can't travel to another hotel, every time your baby needs feeding.

Even if your husband gave up his groomsman role, unless your baby takes to a bottle (mine son refused bottles when I breastfed), he won't be able to feed the baby. You still may have to travel 20 minutes to another hotel, to see your baby and feed them!!

Do your parents know the stipulations that your sister has put upon you? I don't have siblings, but if I did, and my Mum knew my sister was wanting such ridiculous rules, she'd be given a metaphoric kick up the arse by my Mum!!

Firstly, massive congratulations. Hope all is going well. You’re being a tiny bit unreasonable. Hear me out: You won’t want to be apart from the baby for a start and it will be difficult with breastfeeding so ‘popping’ upstairs isn’t really an option. You’ll be miserable. But mainly this is your sisters big day and it’s become about you - you’re up and down from the table, people are asking about you and even potentially asking to see the baby. Get your partner to look after the baby for an hour so you can go to the ceremony and be part of that and then leave. You and your sister can go and have a nice celebratory lunch for the marriage and your child later on. X

It's become about you - for goodness sake!

Just to add the OP has made her decision (the right one) now.

Absolutely! It’s bonkers to expect @Elliee0810 to be there and gush over and support someone who is being an absolute shit to her, he dh and a newborn baby!!!

You can't leave a baby that small and your sister is completely ignorant not to realise that.

She is being extremely selfish and bridezilla about it. You were offering the best option for baby to be nearby but nowhere near the wedding. If she wouldn't accept that then you had no alternative but to not go.

One day she will realise how nasty and ridiculous her behaviour is.

I had a child free wedding, but still allowed two 6 month old babies to come because they were still being fed. They didn't cost me any money and didn't take up any room.

First of all, congratulations on your baby. Secondly, commiserations on your sister.

Bluntly, she's being pretty awful. Perhaps one day if she has a newborn of her own she'll realise quite how cruel this is.

All babies are different I know, but just be prepared for it being almost impossible to leave your son with someone else, even his grandma. When my DD was tiny I attempted to go out for half an hour's walk, leaving her full of milk and in the care of her dad. Apparently she screamed from the moment I left until I walked back in and we were back in physical contact. It's instinctive, and it's very normal.

I wonder if she'd prefer to be remembered as the beautiful bride who celebrated her sister's joy alongside her own, or the mean bridezilla who kept a mother and newborn apart so she could be queen for the day.

I don’t think I’ve disliked a stranger more. Your sister is a disgrace as a human. I’d definitely start to step back from her altogether. Expect her to be a shit aunty.

This! There is no way I could have coped with being MOH with a 4-6 week old baby, no matter how understanding the bride was.

It's impossible to know yet but the chances are it will be very difficult.

I had an easy recovery and breastfed easily but couldn't pump and the baby refused a bottle. So I had to be with them every few hours 24/7 because otherwise they'd a) be hungry and b) my boobs would be super painful and engorged and risk mastitis.

My other friend was two weeks overdue, had a traumatic birth and was in hospital for two weeks afterwards, then her baby had to be in NICU for two weeks. So she couldn't have gone at all.

My other friend was early, bottle fed from the start and went away on business at around 6 weeks so she'd have been fine at the wedding. I wouldn't make the choice to bottle feed based on a one day wedding though!

Your sister is v v unreasonable. I'd go to the ceremony only if it's close enough - but unless she's booked the entire hotel I'd have just not asked her if MIL and baby could be there. She doesn't own it.

Wow. Your DS has shown her true colours here. Personally, I wouldn't have asked her whether it was ok, I would have TOLD her that this was what I was going to do.

She has a choice. If she wants you as her MOH, this is the only way. If she digs her heels in, then sack off being MOH. Sorry, OP but this sounds like it's going to ruin your "closeness".

Also, is there any difference between the baby being upstairs or down the road in a hotel?

I am assuming the OP and the bride are in the UK but if I were going to attempt to have another rational discussion with a sister I'd been close to for decades before this incident, I wouldn't be saying I CAN'T leave a baby this age.

People can and do for various reasons - in the US, for example, the OP could even be about to return to work. If you have older children, it's sometimes the case that it is unavoidable. The OP's family circs may be such that she doesn't have an ally here.

I would be saying that I had no idea physically what state I'll be in and how the baby is getting on with feeding etc, that having them at least in the same hotel offers a much better chance that I could participate in the event smoothly, if that is her goal.

It's hard to believe the bride could really think the MoH coming and going from the event throughout the day for long periods would cause less comment, which I would also be emphasizing and that if she is hoping that the baby will be 'fine' and the OP won't end up going to the other hotel she needs to know this is very unlikely to be possible.

I also agree that the OP and her DH not being there at all is what is going to cause the most comment, which I would be saying to her as well.

This is all more consideration than the OPs sister deserves but in the interest of my own well-being and family harmony I would be making an attempt to dial down the drama.

I attended a sibling wedding when my baby was 6 weeks old and fed literally the whole wedding due to cluster feeds. There was no cooing over the baby by anyone as he was stuck under a feeding cover the whole time, only coming out for an occasional nappy change 😅 So I agree with others that unless your sister changes her mind, you've made the right decision.

I am sorry it has come to this though, it must hurt. Just remember that everyone makes stupid decisions every now and again, and hopefully you'll be able to move past this at some point. It's definitely her bad decision though, not yours.

Your sister doesn't own the hotel so can't stop MIL reserving a room and campaing out there during the wedding.

I'd tell her the compromise is that baby is in a room on the premises and you periodically and subtley duck out as required.

Or you don't attend the wedding.

Let her choose.

She needs a new MOH

I am due 10 weeks before my brother's wedding at which I am a bridesmaid, after a very long journey of infertility and miscarriages. My brother and SIL are nothing but delighted for me and would never for a second consider the baby not attending. Admittedly, they do have a child of their own and lots of other nieces/nephews so it's not going to be a child free wedding but even if it was, I cannot imagine them objecting to a babe in arms or being anything but happy for me. Has your sister had any trouble conceiving? It's a really strange and strong reaction to feel 'resentful' of your baby being on the premises.

It is so unlikely you will be emotionally or practically able to leave your baby at that stage and your offered compromise was already more than I would have offered. I agree with others that you will need to pull out.

Your sister is a moron and will understand when she has kids that what she is asking of you is ridiculous and completely unacceptable. No way can such a young baby be away from their mum especially if breastfeeding! And you are highly unlikely to be comfortable with that either. It baffles me how entitled some people become about their wedding when it's just a day. I'd tell her unfortunately you won't be able to come then. Imagine being jealous of a baby at your own wedding!