MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Your DSis must be very insecure. My dd was 3 months at my sister’s wedding and the only thing I worried about was booking a cot in the hotel! I was able to pop up to my room when she needed a feed which worked out v well.

I’m sorry you’re not going anymore, but I think it’s the right decision. One that your dsis will later regret, I’m sure.

Good decision. I hope your husband has reconsidered his role as groomsman too.

I've read some crazy bridezilla demands on here but your sister has taken it to a different level. I would be re-evaluating your closeness and suspect that your relationship has been more unbalanced than you thought. Your sister, knowing how precious this baby is and how you have struggled is totally unreasonable with her demands. I'm struggling with the fact that you even considered (although briefly) leaving your precious baby to placate her.
Enjoy and embrace the remaining weeks of your pregnancy. Good luck.

You are being unreasonable to even think about attending this shit show !
Who does she think she is ?
She doesn’t care about you or your baby or your dh .

You simply cannot attend .
Total sense to have the baby in a room to let you be apart of her day.

You can’t do this to your newborn, they need to be with you. You need to csncel going to the wedding.

This is so sad that your sister is being so self centred and uncaring. My niece was born about 6 weeks before my wedding, first grandchild. She came along and it was wonderful to have all generations and branches of the family together. It was just even more joy on the day. It’s so rare to get the whole family together so it was just lovely.

Being worried about being outdone by a baby is absolutely ridiculous, and she’s really missing out not having you or the baby there.

"The day is all about her" - WOW that says it all, sounds like you are not as close as you thought you were.... you have a dozen reasons to tell her to stuff it and all 3 of you not go. Baby always comes first...

I think you’ve done the right thing. My DD was born first after a series of miscarriages and I couldn’t bear to leave her, my hormones were rife! We went to a wedding when she was about 2 months and I kept crying g as she’d been left with my PIL for a few hours (evening do, don’t stay over) so god knows how you’d feel for 1-2 days

Defo the right choice. Don't feel guilty, and although your sister has not been very thoughtful, please don't let this affect your relationship too much.
If I was in the same position as you and even if the bride was making lots of accommodations and being understanding I would still not be going to wedding.
Buy make sure you can do something nice on the day of the wedding. I loved a very long foot massage and treatment at that point ( hadn't been able to reach my feet for soo long!) And the podiatrist allowed baby in waiting room so dh could bring them in for a feed during the treatment!
Or book a postpartum massage or reflexology or a hair cut ...

Honestly a grown woman saying she doesn't want a baby stealing her limelight and "it's my day, it's supposed to be all about me" is just childish and quite frankly pathetic.

Your sister is being totally ridiculous. Doesn’t want to share the limelight with a baby? Bridezilla. You will not be fit 4-6 weeks postpartum. You will probably still be bleeding. And exhausted. And puffy. But biologically your body will be programmed to be with your baby. I would imagine it would be extremely hard to leave a new born baby for 1-2 days. You will have to pump your milk every couple of hours.

honestly this isn’t going to work so I think you might need to have a very straight conversation with your sister and include your parents. What do they think about this unreasonable demand? I’d be utterly furious if one of my children did this to their sibling

People seem to be incredibly self centred to scary new levels.

It's the Instagram effect... everyone wants a "perfect" wedding.

I see you've decided not to go, which is probably the right decision. Has this come out of nowhere though, are you and your sister usually close (being MoH implies you are)? Has your sister hired out the whole hotel for her wedding? If not then she has zero rights to ban your MIL from booking a hotel room and occupying it with your baby. What does your mum have to say about the whole thing?

Absolutely staggering Ok and quite frankly I can't believe that your sister isn't ashamed of her behaviour. I'm sure if she goes on to have a baby herself she will be mortified when she looks back. You are her bloody sister and to put you in such a position is just awful.
My sister did something similar to me 20 years ago, wanted me to attend a wedding overseas and leave my young babies at home, I refused and we haven't spoken since. I understand people who want child free weddings absolutely but then people must also understand that people with children might not come. The fact that your baby will only be a few weeks old and you have offered what looks to be a very generous solution and she wont take that is unforgivable and nothing short of cruel. This will cause you undue stress in your pregnancy OP so please do what's best for you.

This! Your sister should grow up especially if she is getting married - one would think she is mature enough to get married.
i think you should prioritise your new miracle baby, just like she is prioritizing herself and doesn’t seem to care about you, what you been through or your baby.

congratulations for the baby and hope you enjoy motherhood 💐

Wow. I would not go under those circumstances. Asking you to be apart from such a young baby is ridiculous. Your sister sounds like an absolute bridezilla nightmare.

In most cultures babies are welcome to weddings with open arms, they add specialness to the event, yes a bit of commotion but it’s natural.
these non- baby weddings are sad events if babies were banned just because of attention seeking groom and bride.

For the most part, I’m very both parents can parent equally - but I think for the fourth trimester a newborn needs to be with its mother, not with dad. I wouldn’t be attending the wedding in your shoes.

What do your parents think?

You made the right decision. Your sister is being unbelievably selfish. A baby of a few weeks old that may be breastfed should not be forced to be apart from their mother for anything more than tiny amounts of time.

The compromise could have been for the baby to be looked after by MIL at the same venue. Even that would not have been easy. But as your sister rejected this proposal, she is entirely responsible for you not being able to attend her wedding. I have a feeling she will change her mind once she has calmed down and be more understanding of how you need to be close to the baby. Hope so and best wishes @Elliee0810

I am sorry you can't go but as others have said this is on your sister not you. You're not asking to parade the baby you are asking to be able to keep your child healthy, safe, and fed. So she is being horrifically unreasonable. I hope she took it well but fear given her unreasonable ban on baby being there that she won't have.

Your sister has lost her damned mind. The selfishness is galling to be honest OP. You will be at best 6 weeks PP with a newborn and she won’t allow the baby in the building?! I wouldn’t go to her wedding if that was the case. Does she have such low self esteem and such a desperate need for attention that a baby cannot coexist in the same postcode as her for a day? Pathetic.

I’m so sorry you have such a horrible selfish Sister.
Well done for dropping out.

Good for you :) Totally the right decision. And congratulations for you and your now growing family!

@Elliee0810, I'm so sorry that it came to this but you made the right decision, given the circumstances. Those first few weeks, you have a lot going on. Establishing feeding, recovering from birth, trying to navigate sleep, being a new parent etc. Your baby (and you/DH) come first!! Don't let anyone guilt trip you about your (very sensible, given the circs) decision.

Honestly, having a childfree wedding is fine and down to the bride and groom as their choice for their big day, but they must understand that if they put in certain conditions (no babies or children hiding in the venue hotel room being looked after by a MIL), then some people can't make it and they can't get arsey about that. And they must understand that a school-aged DC is different from a toddler and very different from a v young baby. To not even allow you to have MIL watching baby in the hotel room at the venue, I just can't get over. I hope your sister doesn't give you trouble for this, because it is entirely on her that you can't make it to the wedding.

The whole MoH plan was likely to come a-cropper with you giving birth this close to the wedding unless everyone involved was prepared to be VERY flexible or - perhaps- you were committed to bottle feeding and had a totally straightforward birth, which cannot be guaranteed. (And for example she agreed you could wear whatever worked on the day, as opposed to committing to a particular dress.)

All of this should be possible with a sister you are 'very close to.'

If she has lived cheek-by-jowl with you on the miscarriages, she may be justifying this to herself as one time where you/the family can be focused on her. How are your parents behaving? She's obviously having a freak out/temper tantrum, but I am curious what is going on in the background here. She may always have been like this, but you say you are very close to her so maybe not? People can suddenly lose it with big events like this and behave in ways they haven't before - only you will know if this is out of character.

She needs to be told that her behaviour is unacceptable and expectations totally unrealistic. Who can help?