MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Oh yes, I love this. Do this OP!

Yep, you don’t realise before you have the baby, but, there’s no way you’ll be able to leave a new born.

Your sister is being completely unreasonable.

Give your apologies now - she can’t have you as a MOH catering to her every whim if you have a new born; she needs to understand, that for you, she cannot be the centre of your attention.

A grown up would understand this.

Thank you for all the replies it’s much appreciated and exactly what I needed! For anyone interested, my hubby and I are no longer attending the wedding. So sad that it even has come to that.

Thanks again for everyone’s honesty xx

Cancel. Do not go. Do not feel bad. Your sister is a dick.

I've had five babies and I'm pretty sure you won't be able to attend this wedding if those are her conditions. You will still be establishing breastfeeding, if thats what you choose, with milk flooding everywhere, you may still be bleeding and having post birth contractions everytime the baby latches on, and if you end up having a section you will definitely not be going! My post op pain was so bad I didn't even lie down until about week 5. Do you think you'll fit into the dress? She is being ridiculous but doesn't know this as she doesn't have enough life experience. Could any older relatives such as mum, aunties talk some sense into her? Leaving a newborn with dad may be problematic if baby won't take bottle or if you are ebf and haven't mastered expressing. Your baby needs to be with you and that needs to be put to her as a non negotiable. Maybe show her this thread?

I went to a wedding when DD was tiny. It was quite straightforward as far as DD was concerned as my parents lived nearby and were happy to look after DD. The plan was that I would drop in on them between the wedding and the reception.

I hadn't been apart from DD for more than an hour or so prior to that and I hadn't realised just how engorged I would get. It hurt, and my dress was visibly straining at the seams in the church. I had buttons down the back of my dress and DH, who could see them, had visions of one or more pinging off.

I suspect your sister wouldn't want to be upstaged by you spilling out of your dress!

Tell your sister now you can't be her MOH.

Sorry you're having to miss it but that's on your sister not you. She's ridiculous, I'd be so happy to have my new little niece or nephew at my wedding, why would anyone view that as stealing the limelight, your family would get to both enjoy her wedding and meeting the new addition, why people have to have this exclusivity and one or the other baffles me. Glad you and DH are on the same page, enjoy your new arrival when they get here without the stress of managing your sisters expectations x

Forgot to say - you are likely to be cluster feeding at 4 to 6 weeks. Honestly some women barely get dressed with their first. The baby will be almost permanently latched on and you'll have had no decent sleep. Probably best to withdraw now.

@Elliee0810
TBH I think you have made the right call.
At that age you cannot be separated from your baby.

I was super casual on my first and left him overnight at 4 weeks with dh, he was bottle fed and not quite 20 hours in total. We also went to a wedding for two nights when he was 8 weeks and left him with dm who was like a third parent to him. But we came home between. So woke up in the hotel then went home for a few hours and then back for night 2. I really don't think I'd have left him with anyone but dh at 4 weeks and only dm after that- not even dmil.

But I breastfeed my second two and there wasn't a hope in hell of me leaving them.

Honestly if I were marrying someone and they behaved as your sister just did it would be a massive red flag for me. Anyone so insecure that they can't share a hotel with a newborn in case they have to forego a bit of the limelight is not someone I'd want to grow old with.

That is indeed very sad.

I hope somebody tells your sister exactly what they think of her being so selfish and self centred.

She admits she would resent her own baby niece/nephew for "stealing her thunder" at her wedding. What the fuck.

I am glad you are not going. Your sister should be dancing a jig for you not worrying about the limelight. Congratulations on your baby.

Nah. You can't do it. Your sister is beyond unreasonable. Duck out now. There are so many unknowns and it is impossible to know how you will be feeling emotionally and physically on the day, and how your baby will be doing. You and your baby are the priority, not your sister.

Your sister is being ridiculous and YABU to even entertain her insane selfishness 🙄 if I were you, I wouldn't be going. You'll be possibly 4 weeks postpartum - your baby will need to be with you all the time. Tell her to get over herself!

Sorry just seen your update! Glad you've made the right decision.

Just seen you're not going. It's the right decision. I hope once your sister emerges from her bridezilla bubble that she realises how utterly unreasonable she was and that you really had no other option x

There is no way that you can comfortably look after a month old newborn as MOH without the assistance and understanding of the bridal party.

You will need to be within ten minutes of the baby and have a dedicated, experienced carer with your child.
Having your MIL at the venue would be workable.

You should decline the MOH role and be a regular guest.
That way if the birth doesn't go to plan, you can stay home with your baby.

Keep the accommodation at the venue and install MIL.

Do not ask permission to have MIL in your room. Your sister will have her attention on other things. You will not be noticed popping in and out as you would be if you were in MOH garb.

Your DH should be able to carry out his groomsman role; he won't be breast feeding.

If this is your first baby, and if your sister hasn’t already had a baby, of course it’s hard for you both to know the reality of how it will be. I hope the answers on this thread have helped you. In my experience, it would’ve been impossible to leave the baby for long, plus even getting dressed and being mobile was tricky. I hope your sister will understand one day. x

I was MOH 6 weeks post partum, I was still bleeding at that point, and my DD was cluster feeding on and off, thankfully my best friend was happy for me to be there with my newborn and my husband was on hand to whisk her out during the ceremony when she started crying, we did have bottles for breast milk but she wasn't great with bottles and preferred the boob, there is absolutely no way I would have been MOH if I couldn't have had her there or even just in the hotel where she was getting married, I would have offered my apologies and stepped down.

In your case I'd attend the ceremony and then leave.

A most excellent decision OP. What a ridiculous request. Even a child free person (me) can see how out of order she is.

How did your sister take the news that you wouldn’t be attending?

It's a shame it had to come to this but it's the right decision and I'm glad your DH is standing by you.

I'm surprised that she would rather you miss the wedding than make allowance for her own niece. Does she have such a low self esteem that she thinks a baby will upstage her at her wedding, and she doesn't want the baby at the same hotel?

I hope this doesn't affect your relationship going forward but I would be surprised if it didn't.

Do your parents have a view on this? Because if one of my children did this his or when sibling I wouldn't be happy.

Your sister is being a twat because shes making it about the baby taking the spotlight instead of worrying out potential noise etc. However I also think you aren't taking into consideration how you will feel just a couple of weeks after giving birth. You do not need to be anyone's MOH when your body is recovering and you want to focus on your little one. Best to drop out now and get rid of the worry.

You've made the right decision OP.

I would have really struggled to leave mine for any length of time at that age it was actually painful emotionally plus stressful and one of the strongest feelings I've experienced.

I know some people can happily leave them but you just don't know until you've had them which category you'll fall into.