MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Sorry but there is no way I would be away from my tiny newborn at that stage. No chance for a 4-6 week old breastfed baby to be away from mum for more than 2h at a time. Your sister is being an arse and I wouldn't go to the wedding. At that stage, mum and baby are a dyad and not to be separated for someone else's benefit. I'm furious for you.

My advice is to do nothing with regards to negotiation with your sister now. Weddings are stressful (I found the entire thing awful and would have another wedding if you paid me!!) and you don't want this to get into an argument which will impact your health. I'd agree with your husband now that you don't feel like you'll be able to be away from the baby but to have MIL blocked out to help. Then when baby has arrived I would just tell sister you aren't feeling up to a wedding! Say you may be able to come for a short period and stay in the room you've already paid for with the baby but you just aren't up to it. I repeat do not say you aren't going now, it sounds like your sister has become so stressed she has no rational thought!

Feeding's way too unpredictable at that age for the baby to be based 20 mins away for the day. If they're feeding every 1h30 then you might well be looking at:

• 30 mins: feed baby
• 20 mins: travel back to wedding
• 20 mins: spend time at wedding
• 20 mins: travel back to baby

Can another family member (e.g. mum) talk some sense into her? Otherwise it's sad she's so nutty but you're absolutely not unreasonable to decline.

Her reaction is bizarre, why would she feel her newborn niece or nephew would be stealing the limelight they literally eat and sleep all day.
I wouldn't have even asked if she'd be ok with mil being upstairs with the baby tbh I'd just have assumed that as your sister she'd want everyone to be comfortable, especially one month post partum!
id tell her now since it's plenty of notice, that you've had time to consider what she said and if she isn't willing to allow mil to be upstairs with baby then it isn't going to work for you and she'll need to appoint someone else as MOH.
it sounds a bit like the wedding has gone to her head and one day she'll see what a twat she's been.

Having been at a wedding ceremony that was ruined by a crying baby (the bride asked me afterwards if I had been able to hear the vows etc and I had to be honest and say no I couldn't) I can understand why your sister wouldn't want the baby at the ceremony but not in the hotel at all? Yeah that's a special level of diva bridezilla right there. Did you have a good relationship with her before all this started? Is there any chance that she's just gotten carried away and needs someone to give her head a wobble for her?

OP your sister is being totally and ridiculously unreasonable. Tell her firmly that you will not be attending her wedding as she is putting ridiculous conditions on your attendance. It is all on her. Your newborn is your absolute priority and non-negotiable. I hope this is just a bridezilla phase and that she is not always so self-centred.

Baby’s presence can be disruptive and I guess she’s envisioning load of people nipping out of her event to go upstairs and have a look at the baby

I think you need to give her an ultimatum
you ether don’t go or
baby stays upstairs but reassure her you won’t be letting people upstairs to see the baby

I have to assume that your sister doesn’t have children and therefore doesn’t understand that what she’s asking is not just unreasonable, but actually not even really possible.

If you’re breastfeeding, you’re advised not to pump before 6 weeks and so what are you supposed to do when the baby’s hungry? Go driving for 40 minutes, feed, then drive 40 minutes back to venue, only to have to turn around and drive straight back because your baby will be hungry again by then?

If you end up having a C-section, you might not even be able to drive yet by that point, so that’d be your DH also joining that farce to ferry you back and forth.

Even if you’re bottle feeding, emotionally you’re highly unlikely to be able to handle that physical distance from your baby. Intrusive thoughts are real and while there might not be a baby stealing your sister’s thunder, the MOH who keeps crying because she’s just had an uncontrollable vision of the hotel the baby’s staying in exploding might draw some attention (the first time I went out without my baby for a 20 minute walk around the block, I was absolutely convinced that my house was going to burn down while I was out and that my husband would forget to rescue the baby - I was in tears by the time I got home even though I could see the house was fine).

I think you might need to show your sister this thread so she can start to understand what she’s really asking of you.

All the weddings I've been to with babies and children, as soon as one was crying or making noise, the parents would leave the ceremony for a few minutes until the child was calm so everyone could hear. Can't understand why that didn't happen for you, but frankly, normally people are more considerate than that.

Regardless of the practicality, i don’t think I’d ever forgive being told my family member would resent me or my baby. Of course her wedding is a special day, but your baby should also be special to her and having him there - especially after all your losses - should be source of joy.

At that age and breastfeeding - you /any mother needs to be where the baby is.

Does your DSis actually realise this? Does she have any friends with DC and can tell her this? How about your mum explaining this to her?

If she is still entrenched then you will have to bow out. Just go to the wedding
She sounds utterly selfish and awful BTW

congratulations on your baby and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, with your sister of all people.

Like others have said you shouldn't have to, and, very likely, will not want to/be able to leave such a young baby for very long - breastfed or not.

If you're breastfeeding the advice is to do it on demand, if you're able to, when baby is so young. Which is especially important to help build your supply and ensure you don't get engorged, which could lead to mastitis. So even if you do go and baby isn't close by, you'd need to leave the wedding to pump or feed if you're breastfeeding. Does your sister know all of this? Saying that, it shouldn't take the fact you could get ill to make her realise what she is suggesting is so wrong. Even if you weren't breastfeeding your baby would still want/need to be close to you.

Do you know anyone who could talk to her to make her see sense? If not I'd be saying I won't be going to the wedding, and would tell her asap.

I honestly can't believe how selfish your sister is being.

Congrats on your baby.

Don't go - your sister sounds very entitled - to be jealous of her newborn nephew - it's not like you are intending to parade him amongst all the guests during the service and reception. Don't go .

Your sister will probably throw a massive wobbly, but that's not your problem!

Oh dear god. This is bridezilla batshittery. A teeny tiny human is depending on you. And its not your sister. You'll need to tell her you 100% want to be there for her bit you absolutely cannot leave your baby.

See it as a blessing in disguise. Getting in a frock 4 weeks after a baby will be fun.

What a precious princess. Tell her you can not be her MOH, your child comes first. She is immature and cruel.

YoI’m won’t be able to attend if you intend to breastfeed, and may struggle to attend anyway. Babies need their mothers. Mothers of newborns need their babies. It’s hardwired for good evolutionary reasons. Your sister sounds deranged for thinking a baby will steal her attention. There isn’t a limited supply. It will look very odd if you aren’t there and this will result in negative attention, but that's not your problem. Your baby’s needs come first.

this, or babies are in the midst of cluster feeding with little and often feeds, with no recognisable pattern so you're best having them close by. Nevermind the fact it's exhausting having a newborn and recovering from whatever birth you had, and you will likely need to rest during the day anyway away from the wedding party.

Pressed the wrong vote by mistake! She’s being completely unreasonable here. Maybe she doesn’t know a lot of babies and doesn’t realise how much they need you!

F that for a game of soldiers. Just decline and wish her the best. She can find a replacement MOH.

Enjoy those early days with your newborn. Congratulations 🎊

Nope nope nope nope nope.

This says an awful lot about your sister, none of it good.

I can’t even believe her stance tbh. Beyond bridezilla. WTH has it got to do with her if your newborn child is in the hotel but not in sight? It’s that or you don’t even attend. No parent wants to leave their newborn in this situation, and neither should they have to. Your sister is essentially forcing you to not attend. Mental

Your sister needs help. Most weddings welcomes babes in arms and they don’t steal the limelight of the bride/couple. Why does she feel that people should come together to celebrate her romantic relationship when she won’t even tolerate the existence of your baby and that special relationship. The baby will need you at that young age and you will need to be near the baby. I can’t believe she could be so callous. It’s beyond belief.

What a cow.

I would think it is slightly batshit crazy to not have the baby at the event. I could have compromised and had the baby upstairs out of view so it keeps her day "special"- whatever that means. However, objecting to having the baby on the premises is a step too far. I am afraid it would be a no from me. Babies are all different, but at six weeks most would not be good with a day's separation from mum.