MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Normal people make exceptions for very small babies. I was ‘no kids’ for our wedding (now having had a baby I know it’s not always easy!) but even I understood that newborns aren’t the same a ‘kids’. They’re also not disruptive because they can be easily taken away if they cry and they sleep a lot.

Breast feeding (and even formula) at that age is not regular - you can’t be 20 mins away and schedule when to see baby. Until at least 6 weeks your baby will feed on demand/ cluster feed. Obviously it’s possible to be away from the baby in an emergency, it would be fine (for example if you were unwell) but it’s far from ideal and not something you will enjoy!

Yeah, sod that. When did weddings become such selfish occasions? It's so sad. Weddings are a time for family. If you are as close as you say then she should be so thrilled for you and making sure you can still be included in her day, even if that might now look a little different than originally planned. So what!?
I'd be saying either we bring the baby with us or we can't come. Simple as that. You've already been far more generous than you need to be with the offer of getting your MIL to babysit. Which really, if you plan to breastfeed, isn't likely to work anyway with 4-6 week old!

Sorry I would state that unfortunately neither you nor your DH will be able to attend. She’ll need a new MOH. Sorry, but this is beyond bridezilla.

I wouldn't have been able to leave either of my breastfed babies at 4-6 weeks. I know you're close but your sister is being horrid and extremely self-centred about this.
I'd tell your sister you won't be attending.

I couldn’t even have left mine upstairs with MIL at that age. Even if I’d wanted to. They couldn’t have gone the length of the ceremony without breastfeeding, even. You’ll have to tell her you can’t go. It’s both of you or neither at that age!

@stclementine That that happened to you does not make it "so often." In your case, I would agree that a babyzilla family member can be a pain in the backside but that does NOT mean it's common.
Also, the OP hasn't had her baby yet so she can't have form for making the child the centre of anything.

Just say nicely now that this just isn’t going to work and you think it’s fairer that she starts looking for another MOH now. Don’t make drama but just back out.

Personally I wouldn’t attend the wedding either but up to you whether you want to leave the door open to that.

Your sister is being a ridiculously unreasonable princess and after the wedding I would absolutely call her out on this, but before the wedding I would probably just try to back out gracefully.

Irrespective of her ridiculous attitude, there could be a variety of reasons why you simply can’t attend. Your baby could be unwell- one of my sisters was in NICU until after 6 weeks. You could be unwell. Even if she allowed the baby there I don’t think they would have had vaccinations so it would probably be unwise to take them. Plus most 4-6 week old babies are cluster feeding and/ or screaming for some reason. If she wants you there you need to have baby with you at all times, no question.

No way in HELL would I be leaving my newborn baby for 1-2 days that young! Your sister is a spoilt, selfish idiot (who clearly doesn’t have children) or she would know how unreasonable she is being.
Pull out now

Your sister has some karma police coming for her in the future.

It's just not going to work, OP. You made a reasonable suggestion to have baby in the same hotel (even that is a massive compromise on your part, for a baby so young), but she refused so has made it impossible for you to attend. I'm surprised you're so close yet she is not considering your feelings, or the needs of her tiny nephew, at all. She sounds batshit tbh and I'd be distancing myself.

Best of luck for the rest of the pregnancy and arrival of your little one, don't give this drama too much thought!

Congratulations on your pregnancy! What wonderful news after all your struggles.

Your sister though - she is the bridezilla to end all bridezillas. She is being totally unreasonable. Do not even think of being separated from your baby, that would be awful for you both. Plus if you’re BF your boobs will leak all over the place! Tell her now that neither you nor your DH will be attending. If you’re feeling brave show her this thread!

Your MIL sounds lovely by the way.

Is this normal behaviour from her? What does the groom think of these requests? Surely she can see if her guests knew that she did that they would all think she's horrible!

So this is your sister’s new baby niece or nephew??? Has she always been such a bitch??
You’d be delighted that your sister had brought her longed for and much loved new baby to your wedding! What does your Mum think of this?

I can't speak for you, but for me:

• I would absolutely not have been OK with this 4-6 weeks postpartum
• my baby would absolutely not have been OK with this 4-6 postpartum
• I would prioritise my baby over a very selfish sister's wedding

Depends how you are though!

I'd be very surprised if your felt able to be separated when the time comes. Your hormones will be screaming at you to keep baby close. And it will be very problematic if you're breastfeeding. Baby may well be clusterfeeding and your supply will still be getting established. You risk messing up your supply. You could end up with mastitis too. Also you'll probably be leaking milk everywhere if you're away from baby for too long.

Yes. Tell her she can chose someone else to be MOH. Your baby is more important than anybody's wedding.

As per usual, the first answer nails it.

I'd be simply telling her to find a new MOH and telling her I would not be attending the wedding. No way would I be leaving a 4-6 week old baby for anyone.

My DD had to have surgery when her first was around this age. The baby would be fine. They don't attach until twelve weeks. But you might find it too upsetting and my DD ended up with mastitis. The baby would have to be in the same venue. You will have to go out to pump anyway, you might as well be going up to the room to feed. Personally I'd back out. It's around six weeks when they start to wake up a bit and the tiredness kicks in.

This sister who you're supposedly so very close to has pulled this callous stunt? I don't think I would even tell her that I'm backing out and just go radio silent instead - this is her newborn niece/nephew she is casting aside FFS. When she finally realises you've dropped the rope and contacts you, I'd tell her to shove her wedding and her self-centred little life, block her and go NC. It's one of those situations that I just couldn't be polite about, sorry!

Totally agree with all the responses, 4-6 weeks is way too soon to be separated for more than a few hours. Especially if you're hoping to breastfeed. Also there's a chance you'll still be recovering physically and will be easily exhausted. There's a postnatal check at 6 weeks for that reason isn't there? Still assessing how mum is healing and adapting. You might be totally fine. Just impossible to plan either way.

To throw your sister a bone though, perhaps she is genuinely clueless about what having a baby entails. I had a childfree wedding (though infants were the exception) and whilst I wasn't bothered about limelight I was under the very misguided and inexperienced impression I was 'giving my friends a break' by having just adults attend. Also hoped no children would mean people stayed later and we could dance the night away like in the good ol' times. When I became a mum I was so mortified at how much I put people out finding sitters, being away from their children for two nights (we got married in a hard to get to location) and all the rest of it that I went back to people and apologised! Some people came from abroad!! Also realised loads of my friends wouldn't have left early just because their kids were there (I was under the impression all children were in bed by about 630 😂), and inviting young people can bring something really special to an event like that. Honestly I was embarrassingly naive, but I wasn't intentionally being a dick. Maybe your sister is the same.

I physically couldn’t have been away from my baby at that age, especially for that long. No way. Your sister is selfish asking you to.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, after four miscarriages this is a massive thing indeed for you! Well done!

You should drop out of MOH now because there is a real chance you might not be well enough depending on what kind of delivery you have. Furthermore your baby will be so tiny they will need you, they and/or you might not be sleeping well, feeding well or upset with any number of issues that will need you nearby. You might be BF-ing every couple of hours. It’s fairer for your sister to know that now than have a last minute change.

As for the hotel room arrangements, it’s up to you. If you are there as a guest she has no right to demand such nonsense. She sounds extremely selfish and I hope that someone in your family will tell her to stop being so demanding and utterly unreasonable. You sound like a really nice person who is trying to do your best for your sister. It’s a pity she is not returning the favour.

Having a baby is just as momentous and important as getting married.

My sister said hers would be a child free wedding. I pointed out my daughter would be eight months old and our entire family at the wedding and I wasn't prepared to leave her with a stranger.

she had a quick think, realised that we came as a package and did a 180 and all children were welcome. She wanted my daughter in a bridesmaid dress and thoroughly enjoyed her day.

that's being reasonable.

your sister...selfish. It is NOT HER DAY. It's a day to celebrate her and her partners commitment to each other. If, actually, the focus is to be all about her, she's just selfish.

you will not want to be apart from your child. If breastfeeding, you probably would not be ABLE to be apart. If I were you I'd stick my heels in, a package or none of us.

I would decline to even attend the wedding snd find something else to do that day.