Irritated by grandparent videos for toddler

[Movingstressangst]

My parents keep sending videos for us to show our toddler. Usually of themselves/an animal they've seen. Generally around 1-2 mins long. If I don't respond (working full time/busy active lives) then they chase a few hours later to ask what he thought of the video.

My son likes them. Obviously because he's 2 he wants to watch them over and over and then often gets upset when I take the phone away.

Aibu to find this whole rigmarole really bloody irritating 😂? It's just a faff. More controversially wibu to just pretend I have shown them to him... I've been scrupulously honest so far and have genuinely shown them to him.

Not had chance to read other reactions yet so could be a lone voice here.. but the original post just made me feel sad. As a grandparent and as a mother.

Sure, saying you haven't shown it to GS yet due to x y z but don't be mean. You sound potentially pretty mean to a loving grandparent tbf.

Can’t you be honest and reply that he’s sometimes getting in a strop because he doesn’t want to give the phone back, so you’re avoiding letting him watch them all the time? Maybe it could be a once a week treat on a Saturday morning or something.

Because it's true.

You cannot completely control the relationship between your children and their grandparents, and nor should you. Be grateful that they want to engage and be involved in your kids' lives as so many don't!

It is so visible in here - responses on threads such as this (being fair to the OP, she's having a whinge rather than intending to tell them to stop) being so rude and acting like parenting has only just been invented (mental fucking load indeed - formerly described as "thinking"). And yet the constant expectation to babysit on demand, complaints about not giving the "right kind of help".

It makes me lose even more faith in humanity. The very nature of being irritated by relatives is because you care - you wouldn't give a shit otherwise!

Some of you really need to learn to appreciate your loved ones, even though they may drive you nuts sometimes.

My children are adults but no sign of grandchildren yet, so I'm answering as a mum in her 50s but not a grandmother. I don't understand the sending of videos to a toddler - I can't imagine doing this myself. Am I missing something?

“Mental fucking load”: thinking ONLY WOMEN DID (and still predominantly do while men let us shoulder it all). The kind of thinking this generation of women is increasingly less content to shoulder alone while also increasingly being breadwinners and having to juggle stressful jobs as well as run ourselves ragged raising kids with largely unhelpful grandparents.

How old are you? Are you from a time before feminism?

Not missing something; sounds like you’ve got some common sense.

No I'm not, but you're clearly from a time before manners were commonplace, and women were taught to read. And yes I am one, before I get that accusation thrown at me.

I did not mention women vs men, or poor behaviour by men. I'm just sad to read posts comparing "responding to some messages from my parents" to generic and necessary life admin tasks. They're your fucking parents (generic, not aimed directly at you)!

Yes of course men should step up and do 50/50 of household and child rearing, admin, everything! But I didn't suggest that they shouldn't did I? I said that some people are being very unpleasant about maintaining contact with their families in a manner not of their choosing, and were using bullshit phrases like "mental load" to describe it.

20 seconds is long enough for a video. A bit irritating but I’d let it go. I wouldn’t want to upset the GPs. You would risk really hurting their feelings.

@mercilousminghow dare you suggest I am without manners and illiterate, just because I have had the temerity to challenge your view on a public forum. You know absolutely nothing about me or how I behave IRL, beyond what I have written on this thread.

You have incorrectly diminished the “mental load” by saying it is merely “thinking”. If you think it is just that, then you clearly do not understand it. It is the organising, planning, WORK that accompanies little kids. The booking of dental and doctor’s appointments, the buying of uniform etc etc etc. It all adds up. It is not a “bullshit phrase”.

If grandparents want to be helpful, then DO something actually helpful, rather than actually adding to an already busy parent’s workload by cutesy grandparenting from afar with parent as necessary intermediary, which is actually no help at all and places more burden on the parent (usually the mother) to show videos etc etc. Call round and see the bloody child and spend some time with them, if that’s possible. Help the parent in a real, practical way.

Anyway, I’m bowing out now as engaging with you is really unpleasant.

Likewise, and maybe try to avoid being ageist. Don't act all offended when someone reacts to your own rudeness.

And for your information, I was a child in the 90s, when my parents managed to do all that you mentioned without smartphones and apps that make our lives so much easier.

I shall be delighted to not engage with you further. And apologies OP, did not intend to get into a scrap on your thread.

If you HAVE to ask then, yes you ARE bein unreasonable
> If you know, deep down then - you know
asin is simply seein validation

Wow! Glad you are not the mum of my grandchildren. What an awful response to a kind act. Just go with the flow.

Going with the flow would mean that OP's parents would send these videos and OP would show them to her child at a time of her choosing, i.e. when she isn't busy.

If she doesn't respond quickly enough, her parents keep chasing her to ask if OP's son liked the video and even if she say that he did, they come back for more information, i.e. which was his favourite bit. They expect a constant dialogue.

Receiving these videos and responding in a timescale acceptable to her parents with a detailed account of her son's opinions is now just another task in OP's busy day.

I’m not a grandparent and nowhere close to being one either but I think the DGP’s taking an interest like this is lovely! I can’t understand the irritation 🤷🏽‍♀️ The follow up messages sound like excitement to know a reaction rather than being pushy.

Agree completely with this! What is it, five minutes out of your day to deepen his relationship with his grandparents.

I’d be pleased they cared so much and constantly had him in their thoughts.

if you get them everyday, why not incorporate them into story time before bed. Is a sweet and lovely thing.

But he is interested and does like them????

For the PPs saying “I think them taking an interest is lovely”: this is the LOWEST effort grand parenting going. As others have said - it’s lazy and also encourages unnecessary screen time, also placing an extra obligation on the parent to act as intermediary showing the video, then having to wrestle the screen back from the toddler.

Times gone by, screens didn’t exist and if GPs wanted a relationship with the grandchildren, they had to actually bother to interact with them in person and put a bit of real effort in. That’s what my grandparents did and I had a great relationship with them.

However, if the OP’s parents ALSO make an effort to have a IRL relationship with the grandkids, I think that is a bit different and I’d be a more tolerant of this behaviour then. My issue with my parents is that they made very low efforts with their only grandchild (I am their only child) until I basically had it out with them and told them it really hurt me. Think thoughtless behaviour like leaving a heavy 1950s hot iron on the end of the board plugged in while my toddler was wandering around their home and leaving pin cushions out. He was pretty kamikaze and it created an insane amount of extra work for us, as they sure as hell weren’t thinking about the risks.

So any videos sent like that from afar by people like that really irritated me TBH.

From one of OP 's posts

I'm so lucky that my parents give a crap about my kid and are actively involved in his life I know

And elsewhere she says that the GPs do a lot to help.

So no, they are not taking the lowest effort.

I totally get this being an extra thing to deal with. On the other hand, my 73 year old, in good health very involved grandad died suddenly 4 weeks ago. He used to send us all detailed video tours of everywhere he went, in fact running commentary on his life via the family WhatsApp. It used to wind me up but what I would give for one of those videos now! I now am doing the same in his honour! Sometimes life is too short to sweat the small stuff. Just ignore the chasing or give a thumbs up emoji or yes just say he loved them. It gives them pleasure sending them. X

I am saying this particular KIND of interaction (ie: dashing off videos on WhatsApp) is lowest effort.

I didn’t say the OP’s parents personally were making the lowest effort possible.

As annoying as it is, I understand as I’ve had this for years with my own parents and in laws with my 4 children growing up ( oldest 3 now have their own phones ) but I do think if anything ever happened unexpectedly as it did with my MIL then my children would have lovely memories of how their grandparents thought of them, even if it was just random video of them walking out and about in the snow or taking a picture of a horse in a field 🫠
I did say to both sets of parents that as I work full time and it’s busy after work with cooking/running the house/kids at clubs etc I may not always reply but I always just put a thumbs up to the video/picture when the children had seen it and then next time they seen DC they had something to chat about asking about the video or picture. I did tell a little white lie to the children and said I could only play the videos 3 times then it would disappear off my phone so they weren’t watching it over and over and holding onto my phone 😂
I don’t think your in the wrong the be annoyed as sometimes it can get on your nerves but just think as I said, your child and maybe yourself would be glad you had the video of your parents talking in the background as life is too short and can be taken away unexpectedly and those videos would be something you come to miss from time to time and you’ll be glad to be able to hear a voice you will miss once they aren’t here anymore. That sounds morbid but that’s the reality x

So when my DD and the grandkids send me videos, it's low effort on their part so I should be unimpressed?

I don't see it as low effort at all. I am touched that they're thinking 'Grandma would love to see this, let's send her a video!'

Love this x

You seem to be being deliberately obtuse, as so many posters on Mumsnet seem to be these days.

I am saying it is low effort of GRANDPARENTS to send vids and have very little other real engagement with grandchildren when they often have plenty of time to do so, particularly if they’re retired. I articulated that perfectly clearly in my earlier post.

Your DD’s effort in sending you videos is completely distinguishable from the amount of effort it is on your behalf to send vids to her. DD is the busy one in this scenario. She’s making the effort to send you videos despite having a full schedule. With kids (and assuming she works) she’ll be busier and spread more thinly than the vast majority of grandparents, whose child rearing days are finished. Therefore, it is more impressive for her to make time to send you vids than the other way around.

Finally, you (presumably) have ample time to view her vids at your leisure and don’t need to wrangle a toddler and expose someone very young to screen time, as it would be when you send vids to her.

I cannot fathom why this is so hard to understand.

Any toddler would be interested in any videos you show them. That means absolutely nothing.

Personally, I am very strict with screen time, my almost 2 year old has never watched cartoons or Ms Rachel except incidentally at other people's houses and never sees a screen except the weekly video calls with family or very, very ocasionally if I put the TV on if something big has happened and i want to see the news.

If my parents pressured me to show my toddler DAILY videos on a phone, when I'm the one to deal with the fallout and tantrums, I'd be extremely irritated.