Irritated by grandparent videos for toddler

[Movingstressangst]

My parents keep sending videos for us to show our toddler. Usually of themselves/an animal they've seen. Generally around 1-2 mins long. If I don't respond (working full time/busy active lives) then they chase a few hours later to ask what he thought of the video.

My son likes them. Obviously because he's 2 he wants to watch them over and over and then often gets upset when I take the phone away.

Aibu to find this whole rigmarole really bloody irritating 😂? It's just a faff. More controversially wibu to just pretend I have shown them to him... I've been scrupulously honest so far and have genuinely shown them to him.

We’ve got a 2yo DGS, we don’t send him videos because he’s not allowed screen time, other than to FaceTime, and while I love receiving videos of him having his hair cut or singing I’m not quite sure he wants to see me doing the same thing. We do occasionally send photos of things we think that he might like to see, but it’s up to his parents if they want to show him or not.

No favourite part. He loved it all!

Once you start giving generic answers, they’ll stop sending them!

It would irritate me too because kids obsessed enough with screens as it is without showing them anything extra on them. Sometimes my 3.5 year old can be playing perfectly happily with toys and a well meaning grandparent will pull out their phone and show him a video of a vehicle or something! He won't want to let the phone go after just one video though so it often leads to more screentime. I just find it unnecessary! I don't think grandparents realise how addictive/stimulating phones are though, i think they just like feeling that theyre interested in whats in the video.

Yeah this is going too far. "Mum, thanks for the videos, we're trying not to have him rely on phones for entertainment so will show him them at a good time - I'll let you know if he has any comments! "

Getting multiple/frequent videos sent to me feels like homework. Its another thing to remember to do so you don't upset the other person, because inevitably you're not sitting down doing nothing when you receive the video, so you need to keep it in mind for later, and then reply in whatever way is appropriate for the person who sent it. I get so irritated with the volume of videos I get sent from various people. I've told people who can hear it without them being rediculously offended to cut down on the number.

I can't imagine how irritating it would be to get videos sent to me intended for my DC. When did people start doing that? That's a whole new can of worms because then you have to extract the phone from the DC afterwards. If you're a grandparent, please don't do this. It's lazy and zero effort on your part and creates work and stress for the parent. You want to connect with the DGC, great. Do a video call and read them a picture book over it, write them a letter and put it in the post, include a stamp so they can write/scribble back. Take them out to the park when you see them. Have them round to yours and interact with them, bake, dig in the garden, look for worms, have a tea party

The problem is that OP responding with a heart emoji or telling them he enjoyed the video isn't enough for them. The come back with more questions about which was his favourite part etc. They have obviously got too much time on their hands and OP doesn't have enough time.

Sending the videos is fine but they shouldn't harass OP if she doesn't respond immediately and certainly shouldn't come back with an interrogation about the best bits.

Couldn't agree more. It's another chore to add on to the whole mountain of other things parents have to do. Honestly some of the replies on this thread are completely mad.

The frequency, quick chasing and follow up questions do sound a bit eager. I would find it a bit irritating too unless I had loads of spare time!

I would give your son a different device to watch them on and video him watching it with your phone and send that as a reply…hopefully they will enjoy that and it will answer all their follow up questions.

For those saying that it takes 30 seconds to send a reply, that is true (which is why I asked wibu to pretend sometimes that he'd watched it). But it takes much longer to find a suitable time to show the video, watch it half a dozen times and deal with the meltdown from removing the phone afterwards. Maybe other children are different, but doing this at bedtime for e.g. would really cause an issue with my son calming down for the evening. We don't generally let him watch things on a phone. On this, casting to the TV is a good suggestion, thank you!

I also think it's a bit hyperbolic to term this as me rejecting my parents' love!

Yep it would be the meltdown at removing the Best Toy in the World afterwards that would tip me over the edge too.

But it's also the necessity to keep that tab open in your brain from the swimming lesson when you received the video to whatever point later that day you think is best to show DC the video. I want fewer things to remember. Not more mental knots tied in mental handkerchiefs which I know exist but can't quite recall what the knot was for. It's a stressful and uneasy feeling of "I need to do a thing, but what was it?"

This is why we wouldn’t do it.

Our DGS loves animals, if I sent him a video of his favourite he’d want to watch it time and time again and would then be upset when be couldn’t. It’s not fair to him or his parents to put them into that situation. For now it’s better that he doesn’t know these videos even exist.

We didn't, that's true. As it happens my parents didn't work full time, but my mum definitely did suffer from too much mental load at times.

I do think though that if you were parenting pre the rise of technology it might be a bit tricky to fully relate to the fact that after a full day barrage of emails/messages/teams calls, family messages on Whatsapp can be the last thing you want to be fielding. I genuinely don't think it's occurred to my parents that's a problem.

Thanks for the replies though everyone. In summary, I do think it's a lovely thing for my son and I'll keep facilitating, but I'll also try to stop feeling pressured to respond and just fit it into the time frame that works for me... And maybe there might be the occasional one that gets missed.

and yet the OP has time to have a rant on MN, and so far has made 6 posts on this thread.

I do agree that they shouldn’t be pestering for follow up however, I would say to them that your DC enjoys the videos but can’t always watch them straight away and you can’t always respond. Why don’t they save them up til they see him and that is something they can entertain him with while you get on with all your other things that mean you don’t have time to show him videos. And that way he associates screen time with them and not you.

We grandparents have been parents of toddlers too and know how demanding it is. But at least we didn’t have MN, Facebook, Instagram , TikTok taking time out of our day. We didn’t have grandparents sending videos, but nor could they just send a text, they’d phone, at the most inconvenient times and want to speak to the DC as well as us. You find a way through it. You are better placed to do this with your family than we are able to advise.

Just lie OP. Your parents are obviously good, caring people. Send them a message saying he loved it all and it made him laugh etc etc. If they ask which bit, just repeat "all of it" and say you're a bit up to your neck in it at the moment - speak soon love you!

I see both sides of the coin. I’m a MIL and a grandma. We have a family WhatsApp together. I try hard not to write on it too much, expect too much from it, want constant replies etc because I don’t want to be that annoying mum/mil/grandma. Plus I recognise everyone is busy.

but obviously there are things I put on there that don’t always get a reply or are replied to, days later. There are times my husband and I want to FaceTime the grandchildren and we question whether we should. I do look after my grandchildren whilst parents are at work, I write on there what they’ve done, they’ve had a poo, a sleep, played with x,y and z. I might put a pic on about their day with them playing in the garden etc (I’m a retired teacher so it’s kinda my background 🙈) but equally I don’t know if that’s too much/too annoying etc. it really is a fine line being a mil and grandma!

in response to your “problem”, I guess you say we’ll look at it tomorrow/at the weekend etc when we have time (but equally I guess the follow up questions will come) you can just say he loved it continuously and that’s the end of it (whether he’s seen it or not) or you do just say I can’t handle all this at the moment, it’s a bit too much, maybe save them on your phone so you can show him/ or just send us a couple a week…Tuesdays and Sundays are good, I have more time 🫶

id like to think any grandparent will be like omg yes, omg I’m so sorry…I know I would 🙈 but it does seem a little bit that your parents are “unable to read the room”. I know myself I can replies from my lot that are full on conversations, gifs, memes, etc and other times I get a couple of words or if I get anything back at all. I do finding it’s reading between the lines and finding that balance as a grandparent

I think though that if you were parenting pre the rise of technology it might be a bit tricky to fully relate to the fact that after a full day barrage of emails/messages/teams calls, family messages on Whatsapp can be the last thing you want to be fielding. I genuinely don't think it's occurred to my parents that's a problem

I think this really speaks to the generational difference and misalignment - my parents and PIL don't know what it is like to have to manage several apps to book meals & after school activities, 3-4 school emails daily, school WhatsApp groups all coming on your phone and therefore creating a fairly constantly moving mental to do list. And that's without anything to do with the GP, dentist, house, car, dog etc etc. Work! And finally my own social life 😂

My partner and I had both long left home before smartphones so our parents have only ever had to do this kind of admin for themselves and after they were retired.

No idea at the level of your son's speech but could you send a voicenote or dare I suggest a video reply of him saying he liked the video and his favourite bit so they don't ask as many follow up questions? Also as a PP suggested cast to the TV will help with the phone being taken away. Maybe have a set time of the day so it becomes part of the daily routine and let DS know max reply 3 times then it's his turn to do voicenote/video back and then that's it done with, move on, until the same time tomorrow, that also then stops your parents asking has he seen it yet if they know he watches them at 4pm for example

I don't know if this could make things easier or add more to it, but my child sends voice notes to my parents on my phone and they voice note back, so there's no chasing up asking if he saw a message as they get a little voice note reply from him. They're not sending messages everyday though.

I definitely found it annoying when my parents did it. Now the kids ignore the WhatsApps (they are happy to see or chat with grandparents but don’t have time to engage with all the weird memes and videos being sent). I think it’s about wanting to be involved but, for my parents, not really listening to what they find interesting. My mum means very well but isn’t very good at thinking about things from others’ perspectives. And they always see themselves as too busy to do most things. My FiL is EoL and she is chasing my DH to remind him to drop off a card she left for MiL (very sweet but not top of list). MiL is the same, we had a very traumatic few months when we had just moved countries, had a late lost pregnancy and she would be wanting me to give specific gifts from her to kids. I was trying to survive it all at that point. Both weaponise crying if you don’t appreciate their care.
I definitely agree that the greatest gift is having them reduce your to do list. This is also why I now chuck bags of tat rather than hand them over to be ignored by kids and piled up before I sort for charity shop. I take my role as gracious acceptance/lying about kids’ gratitude and then move on. Would rather the children focus on positive times with them and building actual memories of them and not broken plastic or awful memes. So sympathies, it is hard when you love them and don’t know how to tactfully push back.

YANBU. My children’s grandparents do this to make up for being absent for months at a time. Feels performative and it’s more for their sake than their grandkids. We both work full time so don’t have time to watch them until the weekend, then it causes problems with the children asking where the grandparents they haven’t seen for three months are.

What I don't understand is why grandparents seem to have forgotten how difficult it is to juggle all those things.

You're right, we didn't invent being busy and working hard. But I can't imagine everyone in your generation didn't ever find their parents annoying either.

It takes so little time to type 'aww thanks, he loved that!', I have no idea why you wouldn't.

A bit of an overreaction. They are just trying to stay connected. Honestly some of the attitudes on here towards grandparents are borderline psycho

My in-laws used to do this. people of a certain age don’t understand is what it is like for working mothers during the day with emails and messages, we are working so we cannot be on our phones unless urgent. They never had to deal with any of this so dont have any frame of reference.

I just ignored everything and would respond at six or 7 o’clock and say oh sorry I didn’t see this. It’s coming from a good place, but they have no idea what it’s like walking round essentially ‘on call’. They just had a house Phone so when you left the house, no one ever rang your place of Work to send pointless messages.

I told my dad this and he got the picture. My in-laws I said it a bit more delicately, but just tell them, honesty they’ll get the picture.

Subtlety mention you are trying to reduce screen time. Hopefully that may decrease them!