Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

Nobody’s saying anyone should be ok with breaches of privacy or theft, particularly items such as underwear bc they are usually private and have sexual connotations, particularly for women. What I am saying is this young man clearly needs a level of understanding by those closest to him.

No we don’t know whether he is secretly lusting after his younger teenaged stepsister (who, for everyone saying she’s far too young to know what’s going on - she’s 15, many posters relish revealing they lost their virginity at this age or earlier, 15 year olds are fully educated in sex, relationships and the notion of gender fluidity a this age through school, let alone friends and what they view on their phones), but reading what the OP said it seems more likely that he is having a crisis of identity, primarily bc he hasn’t been allowed to fully discover who he is.

Yes it’s wrong to take things that don’t belong to us, but it’s likely he is having to do things in secret bc of the heavily disapproving and negative response he has experienced thus far. I’m obv not approving of theft or making excuses for it, but there is a reason he’s doing this and it’s not just to save a few quid or intentionally violate his stepsister’s privacy - it’s about access. He already feels ashamed and that what’s he’s doing is wrong, he won’t be comfortable buying underwear in a shop but he probably feels it’s the only way he can obtain it.

How was he abusing or harming his stepsister by asking her to give him a makeover?

So - back to my original question - if the issue was just access, and you’re somehow confident it’s not a violation of his stepsister’s privacy - you’d happily let this 17 year old rummage through your own underwear drawer?

It’s true that his 15 year old stepsister will know what sex is, it’s unlikely that she’ll know what emerging male fetishes look like. And for that reason she needs her mum to impose boundaries on her behalf.

ETA: she may decide as an adult woman that she is happy to participate in AGP fetishism. She cannot consent to that now.

I don’t think enough people know or understand what autogynephilia (AGP) is and how it involves cross dressing. It’s not about “lusting after his step sister” at all.

I don’t know if I agree. I think most supporters instinctively know that in stealing family members’ underwear boundaries have been crossed AND that he is probably wearing the bras himself.

There is a general acknowledgement that it’s likely sexual but then a whole heap of posters can’t admit that it’s the girl who is the most vulnerable in this scenario.

leading to amusing alternative explanations like:

• he’s gay
• he’s creative
• he’s only the stealing the underwear because he would be too embarrassed to buy it
• he’s attracted to his stepsister

All ignoring that this is most likely an emerging sexual fetish and his stepsister had - unknowingly- become a prop in his fantasies.

Do you really not know?

15yos think they know everything there is to know about sex, but they don't, even if they're sexually active, which the majority are not. A few lessons at school and some gossip between their equally clueless peers does not make them experts.

It's very often the case that older men with a sexual interest in underage girls will push the narrative that they are just so mature for their age and therefore fully able to consent to just about anything. They are not. This is why they need a responsible adult to intervene.

There is no such thing as a mature fifteen year old.

Why are so many commenters suggesting he is gay? Do you not understand the difference between sexuality and gender identify? They are entirely different things that have nothing to do with each other. I’m guessing one of the reasons might be because the vast majority of MN doesn’t believe in the concept of gender identity so are trying to find the next best thing. Being gay isn’t the next best thing & has zero to do with gender identity or feeling confused about what gender you feel inside. I’m a gay woman and I wasn’t sneaking around stealing my brother’s boxers and stuffing socks down the front as a teenager! I was sneaking around having sex with girls in my bedroom while my parents were out. The priority for gay teens who feel unable to come out is meeting other gay teens, for romantic partners, friends, and to feel a part of a community where they’re accepted. It is not trying on bras and makeup. The only scenario where I could believe he may be gay and not confused about his gender is one where, as a result of his homophobic father he’s got the message that he’ll never be accepted as a gay man. So thanks to the insanity of the society we live in today he’s also got the message that he can “become a woman”. And being 17 and having spent his formative years surrounded by trans rights issues, he may actually believe that being a trans woman would mean he’d be able to date men as a straight woman, free from judgement. It’s a long shot and would be extremely sad if it’s the case, but not impossible I don’t think.

Stealing bras can be a red flag in some cases but I don’t think it is in this one. If he was doing it for pervy reasons why would he be openly letting his step sister do his makeup/talking about it etc. I’d have thought he would be being much more secretive about it

No, I don’t. For all we know, she offered. She’ll have probably seen a lot of male influencers, young and old giving fantastic makeup tutorials, as well as the fact the look is becoming more mainstream. I’m not talking about men wearing it every day, but in the entertainment industry and certain clubs etc. it is not as unusual and is more widely accepted among their generation.

Why on earth would you see this as a gateway to abuse?

If he was interested in her sexually, don’t you think he’d have tried a more common tactic? Why would he have risked putting himself in the firing line of his homophobic father when there are other ways to make a move on someone you’re attracted to as a young man?

Also, I may have got the ages wrong, but isn’t he 18 and OP’s daughter 15, almost 16?

OMG I’ve just checked the OP and he is 17 and the daughter almost 16 - why TAF are posters on here acting like there’s this huge age gap and he is clearly perverted and deviantly preying on this innocent young child when she could in fact have had more sexual experience than he has?!

I think the language used and comments made speak volumes about the deep seated prejudices on here and the aggressive phobia towards any hint of (female) trans identity.

Ask yourselves how you’d react if your sons or grandsons behaved like OP’s SS.

God help them is all I can say.

“A few lessons at school and some gossip between their equally clueless peers does not make them experts.”
It’s not the 90s! Teenagers are far, far more educated about sex now than their parents’ generation was. You can literally ask AI any question you can think of and get a fairly reliable answer. Porn might not be the best educator but they’ve all watched it. They can get any question they have about sex anonymously answered in a millisecond. When I was a teenager you had to rely on “facts” from your equally ignorant friends like not being able to get pregnant on your first time! Agreed that that shouldn’t change anything and it doesn’t make them any more mature or able to consent to sex. Knowledge doesn’t equal emotional maturity. You can’t argue that they’re not knowledgeable about it though.

This. Blows my mind how some people could read a post about a brother and sister (which they virtually are - he was 7 and she was 5 when they started living together) who had a likely fun, lighthearted trying on makeup session and immediately jump to the following conclusions:
He’s sexually attracted to her - the girl he grew up with who he likely sees as his sister
He’s abusing her
It’s inappropriate for her to be emotionally supporting him (if you can’t get emotional support from your family then who are you supposed to get it from?!)
I’m not naive. He may well be dealing with some heavy issues, he may even be an autogynephiliac. But my mind isn’t so twisted that that would be the first conclusion I jumped to! He’s a boy trying on makeup in 2026. People need to chill out. He needs a kind, supportive parent in his life to help him figure out who he is, which the OP needs to step up and be for him. I swear only on MN would you get the reactions to this post that I’ve seen here 🙄

Your remark that she might be more experienced than him is utterly grim. Safeguarding doesn’t disappear because a man might be gay or trans and it doesn’t disappear if a girl is more experienced. Underwear theft is a boundary violation full stop.

Some people believe male sexuality must be accomadated at all costs while girl’s boundaries are optional. Fortunately that’s why we have safeguarding.

If he has the sexual fetish of autogynephilia, part of the sexual kick of AGP is being accepted as a "woman."

It's why all those aggressive manly "women" who transition in middle age are so intent on invading women's single sex spaces and organisations. They are basically using unconsenting women in the their fantasy of being a woman. And that fantasy is, at its foundation, a sexual paraphilia (you only have to look at some of the stuff these men write about having breasts or wearing "panties" (ugh that word ...)

Why are so many commenters suggesting he is gay? Do you not understand the difference between sexuality and gender identify?

Most of us understand that difference really clearly, as we've been in the trenches of battling against extremist gender ideology, which tries to tell effeminate gay young men that they "must" actually be female, and tells tomboy /lesbian girls that they must "actually" be male.

It's extremist transactivism and gender identity ideology which confuses sex, sexuality and identity.

It's perfectly conceivable that a young man raised in a conservative household in an ethnicity that does not recognise homosexuality as something not to be concerned about (as far as I know until recently gay men in India were imprisoned) might confuse being attracted to men with him "really" being female. THat is, if homosexuality is never spoken about and/or dealt with repression in his upbringing,. he may have some confused "logic" that as he is attracted to other men, that means he must really be a woman, because it's only women who are attracted to men.

It's a very old belief - for most of human history, gay men have been regarded as "female" - it's a result of heteronormative ideology.

Mermaids used to state very clearly on the front page of their website that the vast majority of boys who were exploring their gender identity would grow up to be gay men.
Sadly lots of gay men who think they are trans have internalised homophobia or come from homophobic backgrounds.
Of the many clinicians who resigned in protest from the Tavistock gender clinic, every single one cited concerns about homophobic parents who wanted to 'trans the gay away'.

He's 17. He can leave home and stay with whoever he likes. The Police won't drag him back kicking and screaming from his SM's home.

There’s like a year’s difference between them

Why is it utterly grim? Do you have a problem with almost 16 year old girls exploring their sexuality or knowing about it? From threads I’ve read it seems many posters say they were sexually active at that age and aren’t judged as although early, it’s fairly normal. I said she may have more sexual experience not that she categorically would anyway.

Underwear is sexual, it’s also functional. I think there is actually a difference between bras and knickers though. Bras allow you to stuff them to resemble breasts and they’re only connected with women’s clothing, unlike pants.

How did the parents feel about that.

Why did he care less what his parents thought.

I have no idea why you are discussing whether this 15 year old has any sexual experience and debating bras and knickers.

One things for sure, you are personally invested in this young man’s behaviour not being scrutinised.

“A horrible position by an older male who should know better” 🤣🤣🤣
You describe it as if a grown man, many years older than her has coerced her into watching him have a wank while dressed as a woman or something! Very, very far from the situation it is: a teenage boy asking his step sister, a year younger than him, to do his makeup. Geeez. I’m sure she’ll carry the trauma for life.

You're right. it will be a hilarious story she tells when she’s older, about how she used to put make up on her step brother after he stole her underwear.

It will be even more funny if she tells someone at school. The safeguarding lead will be 😂😂😂

1 in. 20 children are abused by a sibling in the home. The vast majority of abusers are male and victims female.

Oh please.

I’m keen to defend a clearly vulnerable teenager who’s only ally in his home is his stepsister - who is (contrary to a worrying number of posters) only a year younger than him. If they get on it’s natural that they are close.

Jesus, some ppl really hate men in all forms on here.