Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

Your SS needs your support but so does your husband. I have a very close friend who is Indian and her dad in particular found it very difficult to adapt to her dating a white man, let alone when they wanted to get married. To most people your DH is in the wrong and I do agree, but it’s not as easy as telling him to get over it and grow up. He has most likely been bought up in a very strict culture from a young age and he also needs support to deal with what he knows is happening. I feel for you I really do.

This “vulnerable” boy is involving his stepsister in emerging male fetishy behaviour by stealing her underwear.

If he was your SS would you be ok if he was taking your underwear? I have asked this before and you haven’t answered.

I don’t hate males but I personally find AGP a bit revolting. If I were the (now absent) OP I’d take my daughter away from this shitshow. She can still support her erstwhile step brother, but not via her underwear 🤮

Maybe not makeup, but stealing a girl's underwear is predatory and I am very concerned that you cannot see this. It doesn't matter what they age gap.

(female) trans identity

I think you mean MALE trans identity. We are not talking about a trans man (female) here. But a possible transwoman (male).

Ask yourselves how you’d react if your sons or grandsons behaved like OP’s SS.

I would be very VERY DEEPLY WORRIED, I would safeguard my daughter, and get my SS help and possibly an intervention. I'm not saying it's wrong to be gay or crossdress. I am saying roping in a child (because the daughter is a child) and stealing her underwear is wrong.

I would be seriously concerned for how you'd react. You would think a male stealing a female's underwear is ok, and there is nothing wrong with the pressure a female child is put under to encourage this.

Um.... you forgot that he stole his SS's underwear. That's the main issue. Not the makeup.

No we don't hate them we just know all to well how creepy and dangerous SOME of them are, so when we see or hear about 1 doing inappropriate things that are a clear red flag for a dangerous fetish we raise the warning flags for all to see including the naive and the willfully oblivious

Um... he STOLE HER UNDERWEAR! And has her keeping secrets. Those are predatory behaviour. Why is everyone going on about makeup?

It's not about the age. It's about the power imbalance between a male and a female, a male who stole her underwear and has her keeping secrets.

It's quite telling that you go on about us 'hating men' and that the step brother is 'clearly vulnerable' but DON'T SEE THE GIRL AS VULNERABLE! Your complete disregard of her vulnerability is absolutely shocking. You really don't see females as human do you.

To minimise his behaviour and paint him as the victim instead of the potential predator that his behaviour is indicative of.

Poor lamb. It’s awful his only support is the 15 year old who’s underwear he stole. If only there was a large online community he could approach for support.

Young men can’t even steal underwear now without being classed as a creep.

Some of these responses really show misogyny isn’t just a male problem.

I think there’s been a focus recently on sex-education having a sex-positivity, everything is fine and the more information the better focus.

Which is great for children who are same-sex attracted who may have been left out previously. But the risk with this whole “don’t yuck someone’s yum” approach to sexual practices is that boundaries, especially for girls, are eroded.

Having a male steal your underwear is pretty gross. The 15 year old may have been socialised out of recognising her own boundaries, which is why her mother needs step up and enforce them for her.

Unlikely he is predatory or (intentionally) abusive. But it's just not the thing for anyone to involve a sibling in their own sex life. Likely his sex life consists of masturbating whilst dressed up as a woman. It's a thing. No judgment, but keep it private.

I think if I were to find my knickers missing and we were clearly different sizes I would be creeped out as there would be no reason I could see other than them being used for a sexual purpose, as he wouldn’t be able to wear them comfortably.

If he had stolen a bra I wouldn’t feel the same, as they are symbolic of femininity, and I’d be more inclined to explore why he had done it. Yes it could be for sexual reasons, and if he hadn’t shown any signs of gender confusion and presented himself as a typical heterosexual male, you could still argue this to be the case.

However, in light of this makeover aspect (and didn’t his dad catch him wearing one previously?) I’d be leaning towards him using it to express what he feels is his true, but hidden self, or an aspect of himself he has been forced to repress and keep hidden through fear of negative consequence. This obviously isn’t healthy for his mental or emotional state, which we know is fragile already, given that he has already self harmed.

I’m so surprised that ppl are leaping to the conclusion that he must be a heterosexual deviant with designs on his SS when there is another, harmless motivation which seems far more likely. I say harmless, but it is obviously something that should probably be addressed, but in a safe environment, ideally discussed in therapy with a professional as to why he wants to do it, and the impact his stealing of possessions has on others - to help him as much as anything. His relationship with his father would be another key area to explore I think

Oh for crying out loud, the lad is obviously wondering if he is trans. Nothing to do with sex. He wants to wear the bra, not masturbate over it.

If he did want something to wank off over, don't you think he'd have gone for a pair of knickers?

Nothing to do with sex. He wants to wear the bra, not masturbate over it.

You are so incredibly naive. It might be just gender/trans, but you can't rule out for certain that it's not about sex. It may be. It may be both. Some (not all) transwomen do get erections wearing bras and womens clothes. Autogynephilia is a real thing.

If he identifies as female, surely that’s a female trans identity?

First of all, the SS is also a child. Not some 20s something manipulating a young teen or pre-teen. Secondly I never said stealing the underwear was right, I was providing a reason as to why he felt the need to do it.

Thirdly, I’d hope that being in the situation myself, I’d be familiar with the boy’s personality and previous behaviour and could make a better judgement. OP hasn’t expressed any type of violence or aggression or deviousness concerning the daughter, she has said they are a supportive unit, and given that his own mother is not on the scene, his father’s bigoted, neanderthal attitudes , and the fact OP is presenting herself as a sympathetic tho not outwardly supportive figure - is it any wonder he has gravitated towards his SS for some support, acceptance and love? If he had shown no harmful behaviours I would do my best to try to understand what is causing this particular behaviour and help him. Is it a creative outlet or is there a deeper-seated reason stemming from mental health issues that needed to be urgently addressed - it seems the latter.

Of course OP’s daughter needs protecting from any harm, but given that I can’t see any harm other than him taking a bra (which needs to be explored not just written off as perverse and threatening), someone should at least be thinking about the harm being caused to this teenaged boy with no supportive adult around him, and it sounds like his SS is the only one who is doing that right now.

Exactly!

Why does he have to be using the underwear for masturbation?! Why can’t ppl accept it is for the purposes of looking and feeling feminine - he has had makeup applied to him for goodness sake - either by request or bc his SS volunteered. She obv isn’t picking up any weird sexual vibes off him or she’d be steering well clear, especially when her mum was out the house!

No, I'm not naive. I just don't get whipped up into a froth without considering the facts. And the fact is, he also wants to be made up. Which strongly suggests he is considering his gender identity.

Female is a sex. If he does, he identifies as a woman (gender) not a female (sex). That's why they're called transwomen. Or Trans Identifying Males. Not transfemale.

This is a bizarre response tbh. He’s a year older, and are you seriously saying that he should resort to chatting to random strangers online rather than someone his own age who he is obviously friends with and is part of his family?

Jesus wept.

Gender Identity often goes hand in hand with males masturbating and getting erections while wearing clothes. It only happened recently, there is a video here (nothing is really shown in the cubicle), where a transwoman or Trans Identifying Male, was masturbating in a cubicle in the ladies. You can't see anything explicit but you can tell by the shadow on the floor what he was doing here, and he was called on it: x.com/listen2tish/status/2007959774604984591

There is also this man (sensitivity mode enabled) in the ladies.

Yes, he should join groups online designed for that purpose, and not put is step sister under emotional pressure.

Do you have a problem with actual terms used in the Trans community?