Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

Stealing a younger sisters underwear and having her apply make up is the beginning of every AGP story I’ve ever read.

Theres no reason to pretend there’s no support for confused young men. The LGBT community is enormous, both on line and in the community. Most workplaces and colleges offer support. Despite that he’s recruited a young girl into supporting him.

He smokes weed, lies, and the op said she suspects he takes drugs. He’s not naive. He knows where to go for support, and he knows a 15 year old girl is not the place for it, hence the secrecy.

sigh
DSS is clearly trying to explore sexuality/thoughts/etc and not (I’d bet my life savings on) stealing/taking sister’s underwear for sexual kicks about her. Huge shame & stigma (see OP’s post re how the DS is behaving - that’s FAR more concerning) attached to what DSS is going through, so option seems to be to hide & steal (whether from shops or sister) to explore this. That is all typical teen behaviour. Sister being supportive & switched on like a lot of 15-16 year olds. They’re often smarter than we used to be at their age. I know mine is and her friends seem to be. Including on issues like this where support rather than fear or shrill screams of “sexual predator” when it’s a kid in crisis seems to be prevalent.

i bet you’d read the OP & thought “ DSS is going to be in that room having sex w DS”. The reality is quite another & I feel for that young kid. Thank god for his more switched on Stepmom & his sister!

I will mute & leave this thread now as the “anti trans”/predator posts will no doubt continue to come with a side helping of whataboutism.

OP, I wish you & your family all the best supporting your DSS (& DH) through this. Take a leaf out of your daughter’s book. She sounds amazing.

He didn't steal his half-sister's make up. He didn't steal her dresses.

He stole an intimate piece of underwear.

This means it's incredibly likely that he wore it while masturbating. It wasn't a 'creative' act of self-expression, it was crossing a sexual boundary.

Your daughter needs protecting from him. She's being taught that being 'kind' is more important than having boundaries. Sadly even some of the mums on here can't see how inappropriate his behaviour is.

He needs to have neutral (not so-called gender affirmative) therapy and his parents need to look at his internet use. He may well be watching sissy porn which will be extremely detrimental to his mental health.

I know!

Helen Joyce has written and spoken about the embarrassment or ignorance of parents of sons with the tendency to the AGP fetish. Stealing women’s underwear is not normal behaviour and is an early sign of fetishised sexuality, which can lead to deep unhappiness and self- rejection.

It could also be an early warning sign of a tendency to sexual predation.

Cross-dressing for sexual pleasure or gratification is rarely unproblematic.

I wish I could be as stubbornly naive about male sexual behaviour as some of the posters on this thread. It must be lovely.

So you’d be ok if he was your DSS and you had the same size chest and he was stealing your underwear?

Would you say, “Oh RuPaul is just fabulous, here, have access to my whole underwear drawer?”

and if the answer is no - for any reason - why is it ok for a teen girl to have her privacy and intimate items violated?

Indeed! They should look up Katie Neeves https://thecritic.co.uk/what-a-load-of-pants/

a TW who talks about being caught wearing his sisters knickers as part of his training

the fact that this boy is disturbed, struggling and needs help is no reason to cheerlead his step sister abandoning all her boundaries. She is far too young to understand what could be going on here.

Praying for beautiful abundance in your life.

Praying for your inevitable rise and splendour.

Praying for your gains and for a rising tide to life all boats.

When I said "nothing wrong" I was alluding to the wearing make up.
He shouldn't have stolen anything from anyone- I completely agree theft is wrong.
The boy is obviously having some serious issues (self harm particularly) and I suspect this is linked to a feeling of severe conflict about identity.

(Edited for typos)

AIBU? YES @SoupLong .

I think DH may be being supportive in helping DS to understand you need to operate with the world as it is, not as you want it to be. Perhaps OP just hasn't had time to sit down and understand DH's real concerns.

As Cardinal Robert Sarah said "Gender ideology is a Luciferian refusal to recieve a sexual nature from God" and I'd find it difficult to argue against that no matter what the state or latest fashions say.

Russell Williams comes to mind. “Investigators eventually linked Williams to 82 break-ins across Ontario, where he stole lingerie, underwear, bathing suits and shoes — often photographing himself wearing the items while masturbating — and, in some cases, targeting girls as young as nine.”

https://people.com/decorated-commander-double-life-started-with-underwear-spiraled-into-heinous-crimes-11792186

Also Jerry Brudos, although his main fixation was shoes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Brudos

Dennis Rader (“BTK”) started masturbating in stolen women’s underwear when he was still in high school.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Rader

If OP’s stepson just wanted to try wearing a bra because he was “exploring his identity,” why steal them from multiple places? Even if he’s so uncomfortable with the idea of buying a bra instead of stealing it, what does he need more than one for? He stole bras from his stepsister and from stores, plural. That’s a minimum of three thefts.

Indeed.

I think part of the problem is that we all have men and boys in our lives whom we love. And who are, by and large, normal caring men/boys whose sexuality is exercised within normal and non-exploitative bounds.

@SoupLong DSS ‘s sexuality has displayed some exploitative practices - stealing the underwear of his step-sister is a HUGE boundary violation.

And really problematic because it’s sexual boundary-breaking within the family.

Women and girls’ risk is greater when living intimately/domestically with unrelated men /boys.

It’s a really hard unpalatable fact, but fact it is.

Neither god nor lucifer exist, that'd be my argument for taking no notice of that statement.

I don't buy into gender ideology but I think it's important to treat young people with empathy. Men wearing makeup really shouldn't be a big deal. I would address the underwear theft though, that's unacceptable.

Yes, you're right that empathy is the key. I don't disagree with that. It's important.

A man who is nearly an adult who lies, smokes weed and steals a young girls underwear does not need support and babying. He does not need understanding. He needs risk management and boundaries. It sounds like his dad is the only person who understands that his behaviour crosses a line.

Experimenting with make up is not inherently wrong. But it is if you are sexually aroused by a 15 year old applying it.

Doesn't read like the DH is bothered by the weed or lying. He just doesn't want his son to wear makeup.

I also don't see much in the way of risk management or establishing boundaries. He seems pretty detached from his son. Had he engaged as a parent his child may not have so many issues.

And where is the evidence that the boy was sexually aroused? That would obviously elicit a different response but it wasn't anywhere in the post.

Male erotic cross-dressing is a heterosexual phenomenon, so I think your DH need have no worries on that score. And it's not a moral failing, as long as it's kept private and doesn't harm others: DH should keep out of his son's sex life.

DSS should be told not to involve DD in it though: that's very inappropriate.

I don't agree that erotic cross-dressing is a strong predictor for sexual crime. It's very common, so it's to be expected that some sex criminals are also erotic cross-dressers. (Paraphilias are common in sex criminals generally.)

I think it’s not so much the cross-dressing that’s concerning people here as it is the fact that he stole the underwear. As I said earlier I the thread, some boys and men are sexually aroused by the fact that in stealing underwear, they’re committing a violation. Going to Victoria’s Secret to shop for themselves wouldn’t have the same appeal for them.

I don’t agree that the DSS is necessarily a pervert or a risk to the DD. I think that yes, he could be gay and this a very confused young man. I had male friends in my teens who tried cross dressing on occasion, at home, before realising the were gay and then never did the women’s clothing thing again.

I definitely think he needs therapy to work out what’s going on in his own head.

I also think your DH could benefit from therapy too. The problem is, people are saying he’s a homophobic bigot and the OP should come down on him like a ton of bricks, which yes is true, but I feel like it’s going to take more than this to change his outlook. He comes from a culture where this sort of thing is unacceptable and shameful. This attitude and view is ingrained in him, and the OP telling him he is wrong is unlikely to change things. He also needs help.

OP, you have 2 jobs here: 1) protect your daughter, as PPs raised very important points and 2) support this boy AND teach him that while being gay, trans, whatever is perfectly OK, stealing and invading people's privacy is not.
You won't change your H so you can either leave him or do these things without his knowledge (his feelings come way after the kids' feelings).

BUT I have a feeling you won't do any of that and will let this car crash unfold (poor kids), considering that you never came back to this thread...

Nobody is saying that he's definitely a risk. We are saying that the risk is there, as flagged up by his behaviour, and that refusing to acknowledge this is naive at best and at worst, holding open the door for abuse of a 15 year old girl.

Yes, he could be gay. He could also be a heterosexual man with sexual preferences that involve the abuse and harm of women.

FWIW, confused gay men using girls as support humans isn't OK either!