Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

wtf shite is this??

Im another person very very worried about the risk of your DSS coming to real harm. He needs urgent support and protection from your husband’s horrific judgement. I’d be horrified and very very letdown if my husband reacted like this.
Thank god for your daughter. What an amazing young woman and ally.
Please step up and support this young person and ensure he gets help and support to work through how he is. Your husband is causing lifelong irreparable damage.
Has anyone been able to check in on him since he went to his room? Has DD been able to see and talk to him? If it were my child I would be honestly terrified of what they might do after such a blow-up. Please make sure he is safe and speak to him about your support tonight. Do not leave him to sit with alone overnight with all this terrible rejection and shame.

I think you know your DH is an ignorant imbecile.

Go and tell him he is loved & not to feel ashamed. Shame is a terrible weight to bear. He must feel so alone. This will be tied up with losing his mum. I’m so happy he has an understanding sister.

You must feel so stuck with this one. Counselling will be helpful for your son and some education for your DH. Stand up for your DSS & explain his Dad doesn’t understand this situation but does loves him and your plan is to help them both. Take him out for dinner. Good luck.x

Your husband seriously needs to address his prejudices. Maybe it's a cultural difference, probably a bit of a shock for him, but fuck it, time for him to leave all that shit behind. Support your stepson.

Please please support your stepson, dont let him become another statistic.

The poor boy not feeling like he can be himself in his own home.

This would be a hill I would die on, if my husband couldn't accept his child for being himself, then I'd walk away and take the son with me.

The opportunity to be a hero to someone is a rare thing. This poor lad. The universe chose you to be his step mum. Please step up for him. Educate your husband. Introduce him to Harry Styles, to modern culture. His prejudice comes from fear. You need to help him see that he does not need to be afraid and should be proud of his son for whoever he is. And do this with urgency because I fear that if you don't there is a huge risk of self harm or even worse.

Using the culture card is not an excuse for behaving lile a neadanthal, your husband has the issues not your step son

Don't be another statisitic and be another putting a man before a child, yes even a teenager

And growing up with this father no wonder why he is acting up

You need to leave your DH and establish a separate household where DSS can be emotionally safe.

I've reported you twice.

This is lovely and brilliant and as always the first answer nails it.
You would do well to model yourself after your daughter and show your stepson love and acceptance and respect and kindness and support.
Go to your stepson. Tell him you love him and that you’ll always love him, no matter what.
Repeat Repeat Repeat

Mumsnet probably not the best forum to post this particular issue, tbh. But since we're here, dss needs counselling asap, and dh needs reminding what country and century he's living in.

This sounds incredibly tough for all concerned. My first thought would be to speak to ss. I would seek support from his school or college and see if they can signpost you for further help. I would consider speaking to his gp about your concerns and getting a referral for counselling. If a referral is not required and this is something you can access privately I would do so.

Your ss needs to know he is loved and you will support him find his way but he needs to be encouraged to seek counselling. He has issues that need to be discussed and worked through.

As for your dh,words fail me. I can understand coming from a Conservative culture where this would not be considered appropriate however he is a parent first and foremost and needs reminding of that. This child has suffered significant trauma and is clearly going through something. Right now he needs help not disdain.

All those people saying that she should leave and take the stepson somewhere with her and this is a hill she should die on and separate from this terrible bloke don’t understand how custody works with stepchildren. She absolutely needs to protect him but leaving isn’t the panacea people think and she can’t just take someone else’s child with her.

You support your stepson. With an abusive father like your dh he isn’t getting any support from him. Your dh culture may mean he’s not be willing to accept his son maybe gay, but that’s your dh’s problem, not your step sons.

your step son needs support, from you and your daughter and probably counselling. The self harming alone is a big cry for help and speaking to an independant third party might help

your dh also has to get a grip, its his son, he should be loving, nurturing and supporting him regardless of sexual orientation. If he can’t he can also seek help,

if he won’t then you have a big dh problem, would you stay with him? I wouldn’t be with someone so abusive to his child

Agree on both things. I won’t pretend to know what exactly is going on with the stepson, but stealing women’s underwear and wearing it shouldn’t be dismissed as “just exploring his identity.” For some men, the violation - of the privacy of the underwear’s owner, of the law, of social norms - is part of the point. It’s sexually arousing to them. And when a man has a fetish that’s based on violation, there’s a risk that the behavior will escalate.

Erm, how can stealing bras to "explore sexuality" not be a sign of a fetish? It's literally sexual. He doesn't need bras for any practical reason.

The bra stealing is weird and not acceptable at all (different if he was buying bras with his own money, although still a fetish it wouldn't be trampling over other's boundaries).

Wearing make up is absolutely fine though. Bizarre that that's lumped in with stealing bras. It's important not to conflate the two very different things. DSS should be encouraged to be himself and express himself, but not at the expense of trampling over others' reality (like stealing sisters actually needed bra!) The DH's archaic and illogical attitude unfortunately could push the DS to extremes like this though, rather than a sensible, measured middle ground.

He'll no doubt already be engaging online with extreme "trans activists" which can involve seeing the world in an extreme black-and-white, everyone's against me type way. Not good for mental health. It's very important that calm, sensible adults engage with him supportively. His dad will only be pushing him further to the extreme!

Your husband sounds like an idiot.

I’m concerned so many posters are praising the daughter for her kindness and support instead of recognising that a 15 year old girl should not be a landing pad for an unrelated older boys confusion about his sexuality.

The fact he has stolen her underwear is a safeguarding concern , and now he’s asking her to put make up on him and keep secrets from her parents. I would be very concerned.

He has no business at all seeking support from a 15 year old girl whose intimate clothing he’s stolen. And no business at all asking her to keep secrets. I would make sure my dd knew that she was not responsible for any issues surrounding his sexuality.

Oh behave

I don’t see any connection between a man experimenting with makeup/his identity and drugs… he may be using weed or whatever at times, but no one takes drugs and that then makes them put makeup on? Suggesting the two are related is very odd. Also you DH needs to be more accepting and understanding - perhaps he should also being seeing a councillor or therapist on how to change how he relates and responds to his son

Your husband sounds like an absolute troll, ugh. I actually felt my skin prickle when you mentioned the bit about self harm because not to put too fine a point on it but those are the same things that were said to me one year before my first suicide attempt when I was around the same age.

Thank god SS has got your daughter to lean on. Don't let a 15yo girl be his only support system. Please stop being Switzerland and join your daughter as a solid part of his support system, even if it means going against your husband. Regardless of your feelings of men wearing make-up and women's clothing, this is a troubled young man who needs support and guidance, not further othering from a neanderthal.

Agreed. This is very creepy and predatorial behaviour. There is a reason police took underwear thieves seriously. Sexual fetishes like this usually escalate. Men that go around stealing womens underwear off clothes lines usually end up either sexually assaulting a woman or it escalates somehow. No problems at all with him wanting to try makeup (Bowie, kiss etc did) and some girls clothes, but stealing your sister's underwear (dirty or not) is a real red flag. And op CAN support DSS while also making sure he knows that he cannot just go around stealing underwear like that, that it is very inappropriate. And will end up in him getting into very serious trouble. But that if he wants clothes like that, OP can buy them for him. OP also needs to talk to her DD about safeguarding. That it's ok to support her DSB, but she needs to be given the permission and the tools to say if she is uncomfortable with her DSB stealing her underwear. That it's ok for her not to be comfortable with that.

They're right. Clearly you don't know that police take (or at least used to take) underwear thieves very seriously because that voyeurism usually escalates. It's basic safeguarding that I thought we all knew.