Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

potential predator that his behaviour is indicative of.

Have you considered he is potentially not a predator? What has he done besides take a bra that is predatory?

Do you have a problem with males (or anyone) who behave outside a rigid pattern of behaviour?

edited to change ‘men’ to ‘males’ as the SS in question is still a boy

Ok, your reasoning seems to be that stealing bras is probably fine as it’s likely self-expression related and he’s not masturbating with them in the same way that he may be with knickers. I don’t understand how that works, but you’ve decided that bras are inherently less sexual than knickers. You’d be ok with him taking your bras and not your knickers.

Your impression is that he may be exploring a trans identify and is wearing the bras as some form of creative expression and that’s it’s not sexual.

What are posters are trying to convey to you is that there’s a reasonable chance he’s wearing the bras and masturbating to that image of himself (emerging AGP).

Isn’t that what people and in particular kids do? Confide in one another?? Are they not even allowed to do that now?

Have you seriously uploaded videos of men masturbating on here to prove your weak and unsubstantiated point?!!

Men with autogynephilia consistently describe how it started with stealing a female family member’s underwear in their teenage years. It should be assumed that this male is doing the same for the same reasons, and work backwards from there. That’s the essence of safeguarding.

He can get support for his issues while also being told his behaviour in this regard is completely unacceptable and inappropriate and his step sister and her clothes are not there to be used for his exploration of his own identity or fetish.

It’s not difficult.

It’s hard to imagine isn’t it? That all of those men “dressing as a woman” in lingerie, stockings, short skirts and heels are doing it because it makes their dick hard and not because of an innate feminine sense of self.

What are posters are trying to convey to you is that there’s a reasonable chance he’s wearing the bras and masturbating to that image of himself (emerging AGP).

I am not categorically ruling that out. I don’t know the boy, or the circumstances beyond what the OP has posted. No one does, that is the point. He could well be using them for sexual purposes, but he could also be using them for the reasons I hypothesised. Nobody knows but him. Surely the fact that what he’s doing is what most ppl would consider ‘odd’ behaviour is a signal that he needs therapy and support to find out the cause though?

Do you condone these videos being shared on here?

Men and women are individuals and as such have their own personal motivations. Some will be sexually thrilled at dressing up, some won’t. Assuming the worst without considering the alternative is so unintelligent and bigoted

He can get support for his issues while also being told his behaviour in this regard is completely unacceptable and inappropriate and his step sister and her clothes are not there to be used for his exploration of his own identity or fetish.

i agree he should get support.

Sigh. You really don't get it, do you. Pressuring his SS to be a prop in this is boundary-violating and predatory.

It's not about a rigid pattern of behaviour. It's about a pattern of predatory behaviour.

Yes, I repeat, online groups, where it doesn't affect family members. Not pressuring your own step sister to cosplay.

I posted a warning about the link, as well as enacted sensitive mode on the two images to protect readers. What more could I do. Do you seriously have a problem with women posting receipts to prove and substantiate our point? Or is it just that you are annoyed I can back up my arguments with solid evidence and you can't?

SomewhatAnnoyed is,.... somewhat annoyed that someone brought the receipts. They really, really did not want to see evidence that debunks their argument.

I think it’s important that girls and women are aware at the motivation behind a lot of cross-dressing behaviour, yes. Boundary-transgressing seems to be part of the thrill - entering female spaces, stealing clothes.

I am a woman. Today I am “dressed as a woman” in trackies and a T-shirt, doing chores. Funny how men dressing “as women” don’t seem to do it without lace, stockings, heels and tight clothes, isn’t it?

You can't see anything in the video.

This is not about 'reason' for doing it, it is the fact that it IS happening in the ladies.

It is happening! That's the point! Women and girls are having that in their spaces, many of of them rape survivors like me. I don't care why it's happening, or the motivation. I care that it is happening in the first place. But I know someone bringing receipts really annoys you.

But you don’t agree that the daughter should be safeguarded from one of the possible explanations of his behaviour being developing AGP?

Why? It’s easy to do without impacting the support for him.

For those who want to read more about the story about the male in the ladies at Planet Fitness gym, there is already a thread on here about it: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5473470-5473470-trans-woman-gym-goer-caught-masturbating-in-womens-changing-room

No, I’m afraid I don’t. Where has he pressured her? It sounds like she is actively advocating for him and standing up for him against his own dad. She wouldn’t do that bc she was scared of him or felt uncomfortable. And there is only a years difference in their ages. A predator suggests a power imbalance. She would arguably have more of an idea as to his true character and motivations than any of us as she lives with him and they are close.

I haven’t said I don’t think she should be safeguarded. I’m trying to put out an alternative explanation as to his behaviour. The OP has said he has self harmed. His behaviour is out of the ordinary. This is obviously a safe guarding issue for him as well. I think the priority is getting him help urgently to try to assess if there is a real problem here which would affect not just him but his SS also.

His dad’s attempt at shaming him then helpfully putting his head in the sand regarding the actual situation without bothering to actually address it is terrible.

What do you propose safeguarding his SS would look like? To remove SS from his home? He is not an adult yet. I believe children as young as 17, possibly 16, can live independently, but that’s usually in a ‘care’ situation I thought. SS has a home, the situation needs to be addressed and any safeguarding issues explored sensibly, not hysterically, or as knee-jerk reaction to his different behaviour.

@NotBadConsidering how should they safeguard the daughter?

If you had read the thread you will have seen how girls are socialised from a young age to prioritise males and to swallow any feelings of discomfort, and to put aside their own boundaries and safeguards.

I would remove my daughter. You have said you’d be ok with this young man taking your own bras (although not knickers). I wouldn’t be ok with him taking my daughter’s underwear.

It doesn’t annoy me but just bc some men do this doesn’t mean every man who acts the way this boy does will. It is something to guard against but what does that involve in this situation?