Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

I grew up in an environment open minded to all this kind of thing.
A male friend wanted to borrow my clothes, my makeup, wanted me to go shopping with him to buy women's clothes. We all supported him and were cool about it.
He then sexually assualted me, in public, I had to literally fight him off.

Don't ignore the warning signs, folks.

This is outstandingly accurate. X

I think DH needs to have a wake up call.He is making his son VERY vulnerable to feeling excluded from the family and a lack of belonging can be a key factor in exploitation. How bad does he want it to get before he stops judging and starting problem solving without ego? Regardless of his cultural identity there is a basic lack of love and human kindness coming across in the descriptions of his behaviour. He has chosen a kind woman - typical of someone controlling I think. Be careful OP, I know you're worried and you should be. I sense this is the tip of the iceberg.

Did DSS explain WHY he stole the bras, or did your DH not give him the chance? Stealing from a shop is of course not OK, ethically or legally, but it's not that uncommon for teens and needs a serious but relevant and proportionate punishment. Stealing a bra from your stepsister - she must have been about 13 or 14 at the time? - is creepy and mean. If you have any suspicions that he's still doing anything like this, you should intervene to protect your daughter (even though she may be inclined to minimise it since she's close to her stepbrother and naturally wants to protect him when she sees his dad treating him harshly).

For the most recent incident, I'd try to support your husband by trying to get him to calm down, think clearly, and stop being an abusive jackass. Would he be willing to get some counseling - if not to help him get over his rigid stereotypes, then at least to manage his anger so he tries to have a conversation with his son rather than a self-centred, insulting hissy fit? It wouldn't be appropriate for you to step in and parent your stepson in his dad's place, I agree - but DSS is still your family and household member and your DD's dear friend, so it's not "none of your business". If his dad is doing harm then you absolutely need to tell him how you feel about it and that it can't continue. Your desire not to have someone abuse their child in your house in front of your teenage daughter is at least as important as his desire that his son not try on makeup in private in "his" house.

So deeply he uses his ex’s name and women’s toilets. He hates women

And this is what men (and some lucky women) don't know. We know by instinct that men are a risk. Men who steal clothes from homes and clothes lines or even rope women and girls in who have been socialised and programmed not to know they can say no if they feel uncomfortable, are taking advantage of women and girls. There is a power imbalance there. The daughter most likely pushes down her discomfort because she feels it's her 'duty' to make her SB happy. It's about safeguarding. Men don't realise this. Us women are NOT paranoid!

I have no problem with men wanting to try makeup and womens clothes. But there is a power imbalance here, with this young girl and her older male step brother. If he asked the daughter to buy clothes/makeup for him or he bought them online, that would different.

I think it sounds like your SS needs your and your DHs support, but that it’s unlikely right now that he’ll get that from your DH. The shock of last night is going to make it difficult to have an open conversation right now, it’s too charged, too much pressure, too intense. Could you take your Step son and daughter out for the whole day today, ideally somewhere a decent length drive away, that will present opportunities for distraction but not so distracting or loud that you can’t talk.

A National trust type place or beach with cafes or restaurants where you can all get away from the pressure of the house, have something to eat, walk and talk if he wants to.

It would be helpful for you all to better understand what he is feeling, does he feel like he may be trans, does he feel like he may be gay, is he completely unsure and trying to figure it out…….. he also needs to know that he has a safe adult to discuss and explore these topics with.

The amount of comments saying he’s probably gay…I have lots of gay male friends and not one of them was ever interested in trying on bras and make-up. Much more likely he’s struggling with his gender identity. Whether you believe in gender identity or not, your DS needs support, love, patience and understanding. You are the only mother figure in his life, you need to step up and stop his horrible father inflicting anymore emotional pain on him. If you don’t you are failing him. Tell him you’ll always love him no matter how he identifies, ask if there’s anything you can do to support him, tell him you’ll keep anything you discuss secret from his dad if that’s what he wants. Having self-harmed before he’s at a much higher than average risk of suicide. His mental health is more important than being honest with your husband, who is a total bigot

A young man stealing his stepsister bras to wear is part of a well known fetish, that almost always leads to escalating behaviour and ever increasing violations of women's boundaries in a well worn pattern, that unless its stopped early on leads to flashing ie indecent exposure, then voyeurism and finally sexual assaults and rape.
That men can now claim that its a part of a trans identity is why people seem to have forgotten about this well-known pattern and why the most abusive men who claim a trans identity are so angry about being kicked out of women's single sex facilities into either male or unisex facilities, it removes the veneer of respectability and means that they have to find another way to fulfill their fetish for indecent exposure and voyeurism.
Please look up AGP
Oh btw a fetish that includes stealing a siblings or stepsiblings underwear is harming that sibling/stepsibling, that harm may not always be immediately obvious but it does. Any fetish that includes involving unconsenting women is very bad even if its "only" stealing the underwear of unconsenting women and girls even if its "just" to wear them.

Christ, your DH is an asshole. Your DD is right, he’ll never trust his father again. Time to draw a line in the sand op. I would be supporting my DSS wholeheartedly and tbh I would find it hard to forgive my DH for his reaction.

Completely agree. I have worked with offenders for my whole career and I don’t think this is a red flag for being a sex offender, though encouraging him to repress his sexuality may make him more likely to go that way.

He is much less likely to be able to understand his identity because he’s not being supported to do so in a safe way.

Also, I am a heterosexual woman and I stole my older sisters bras before I had my own because I wanted to see what it felt like to wear one and was embarrassed. I also used to hide them when I started buying my own - I can confirm I am not either a thief or a pervert 😅

If he can’t be himself at home of course he would be embarrassed to walk into a women’s shop and buy a bra. Most 17 year old boys would be. He’s not stealing her dirty pants ffs.

He needs support. He needs you to let him know there is nothing wrong with makeup or bras or being whoever the hell he is, so long as he’s honest and not hurting anyone. If he can’t be honest with DH then he needs to be able to be honest with you. And DH needs to know he will lose his son, possibly his actual life, if he cannot get over the shame his culture is holding them hostage in.

almost always leads to escalating behaviour and ever increasing violations of women's boundaries in a well worn pattern, that unless its stopped early on leads to flashing ie indecent exposure, then voyeurism and finally sexual assaults and rape.

Almost always??? So this happens in every case where a teenage boy steals a siblings bra?

Bollocks.

He isn’t making DD uncomfortable, clearly.

Young gay men do not steal women's underwear. I don't know why people think stealing bras = gay. The gay men I know were secretly meeting men for sex at 17, not fingering their step sister's underwear.

What exactly was done when you found out he was stealing your daughter's underwear?

Your daughter is your priority here. She is not a support human for this boy, no matter what his problems are. She needs protecting. She may well have a very strong desire to rush in, to support, to ignore his very inappropriate behaviour. It is your job to make her understand that he is not her problem. It is not the job of a fifteen year old girl to pander to the boy who stole her underwear.

Very likely. His dad is homophobic, he’s probably internalised that homophobia himself so now feels it’s easier to say he’s a straight woman.

I have a slightly different take.
The self harm, stealing of women's underwear and the (serious) make up session are all massive red flags. Your DSS is clearly going through some distressing issues which he seems to be viewing through a gender identity lense. And clearly your DH is finding that impossible to respond to in constructive way. This is all ready hard for all of uou. Without going into full affirmation mode, can you, possibly with your DDs help, be the grown up here and find a way of supporting your DSS through this? In your shoes I'd think about contacting professionals for help. But choose carefully to make sure you find people who will help uncover and deal with the underlying issues. Ive seen some helpful stuff on the Sex and Feminism thread. You also need to work on your DH as he has to understand that his reaction is really unhelpful.

I absolutely and utterly agree with this. I could not stay with a man like your husband. I think both children should live with you. Husband should move out and get therapy

This. Might be something he is experimenting with. OP, well done for your daughter supporting him. His father may disapprove but can do so silently

He uses women’s toilets bc he hates women? What the hell are you talking about?

I was agreeing that the loss of a mother for a young boy can see this type of behaviour. It deserves at the very least sympathy.

You’re quite hateful aren’t you and find empathy challenging. How sad.

And I dont want to belittle the negative impact on your kind, loving but also very young DD. She definitely shouldn't be put in the position of emotional support person for her elder half sibling. She needs you and your DH to do the parenting.

I think at a minimum DSS needs someone mature to gently explain to him that regardless of his motivations stealing underwear from women looks bad and other people will react badly to it.

I thought you were gonna say you came home to him drunk or taking drugs or having sex on the sofa or something
this is nothing 🤷‍♀️

your husband is a dick

My understanding is some males like to dress in women's clothes as a stress reliever, and has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality.

Yup, which is why cross-dressers are famous for loving women's baggy t-shirts, snuggly hoodies, comfy joggers, and granny pants. So stress relieving to take off one's bra and just lounge around in comfy clothes!

Oh no, wait...actually, they love bras, skimpy knickers, stockings, and other 'sexy' lingerie, usually the lacier and trashier the better (unless they're stealing someone else's and have to put up with whatever they can get).

Hm, I wonder what kind of 'stress' they're trying to 'relieve'? 🤔

He isn’t making DD uncomfortable, clearly.

You don't know that. You really don't know that. Girls are socialised and programmed to push down discomfort, and she will feel a loyalty to her Step Brother. A lot of girls don't show our discomfort. It may be that she is totally comfortable - though I doubt that there isn't a slight element of discomfort about her SB stealing her underwear, at the very least. The power imbalance means she feels she cannot say anything, and feels sympathy for him. Please, don't take girls silence for complicity. We know how that ends.

Look; best case scenario, SB is harmless. That's 'best case scenario'. However the responsibility for SB should not be on that 15 year old girl. OP should take over and be the conduit here, and take it from here and perhaps buy clothes and makeup for SB. He should be told there is nothing wrong with being gay or crossdressing. But he needs to be told stealing girls underwear is not appropriate and he needs to be told that there is a power imbalance between him and his step sister, and their relationship isn't appropriate. That he can go to her (OP) now.

100% agreed

Your daughter is your priority here. She is not a support human for this boy, no matter what his problems are. She needs protecting. She may well have a very strong desire to rush in, to support, to ignore his very inappropriate behaviour. It is your job to make her understand that he is not her problem. It is not the job of a fifteen year old girl to pander to the boy who stole her underwear.

this! I'm gobsmacked & horrified at the number of women enthusiastically encouraging & cheering on the OP daughter to act as self sacrificing support human to this disturbed young man just because his father is an ass hat. No wonder girls & young women have problems establishing their boundaries & rights when adult women are wholeheartedly telling them that it's the boys feelings that come first