Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

This, 100%. Also what @SwanLake35 says.

Your DH isn't handling the situation well, and seems homophobic and unhelpful in terms of guiding the situation. But your DSS shouldn't be supported into thinking that he's a girl, stealing bras that he doesn't need (most likely to wear during sexual gratification, if you read trans accounts online), or using your DD as an emotional crutch.

I'd be worried about my daughter. Living with a young man who steals and wears her underwear! She's at a young and very impressionable age. It does not sound like a healthy relationship.

As for your dss he sounds like he needs counselling urgently. Poor lad losing his mum at such a young age, and what with the weed and self-harming there seems to be a lot going on there.

What a bloody mess OP, so sorry you are all going through this.

Speak up OP, poor boy, thank goodness your daughter is mature and supportive

TBH I couldn’t have carried on being with a man who told his son that self harming was attention seeking, how are you even in a marriage with this man?

She’s not mature and supportive. Shes young and vulnerable and has been put in a horrible position by an older male who’s should know better.

It is horrible how often young girls are offered up to support distressed males without any consideration of how it affects them.

I would leave with my daughter. It’s not fair for her to live with a boy who’s stealing her underwear. Sounds like the beginning of a fetish

For Fucks Sake, he wasn't stealing bras because he has a fetish, he wanted to wear them! I am female, and very glad to be so, but when I was the DSS's age, I hated going shopping for bras as it really embarrassed me, the same goes for menstrual products. So, if a bona fide young woman can be embarrassed by such things, just think how difficult it must be for a vulnerable male teenager who wants to either confirm to himself that he needs to be a woman, or to realise that that isn't the reason why he thinks he feels so different?

By the way, Hoarda, if breaking the law by stealing something is taken out of the equation, a fetish is only a bad thing if someone else gets hurt (mentally or physically) by the person's fetish, or if it screws up, and maybe ruins, the mental health of the person with the fetish.

However, I do agree with you that the poor lad's father is a Dick!

. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants.

Why the fuck shouldn’t he be allowed to do what he wants?? He is harming absolutely no one doing what you described, it’s not even as if he has a younger brother who might be influenced by his ‘perverted’ behaviour (I mean WTF?!) This is the reason gay men get married and have children so they conform to their families expectations and end up miserable and causing misery to their families who are masking their true identity.

When he has the means, don’t be surprised if he moves out as soon as possible and goes no contact with you both. How utterly tragic for him. He has presumably lost his mum if he has been living with you from a young age and has discovered this aspect of himself which he clearly does not feel comfortable enough embracing openly. His home should be the one place he can do this.

Thank god for his utterly magnificent, supportive step sister. I hope he maintains contact with her - it sounds like he will very much need her love and support bless him.

The OP’s daughter is still a child. She didn’t consent to having her underwear taken for her stepbrother to wear - what’s he doing when he wears them? He doesn’t have breasts. How do you know it won’t “screw her up”, as you say? She may forever associate her own underwear with her own family member’s sexual gratification.

Children, especially girls, can need help establishing boundaries. The OP needs to take her out of that toxic, fetishy environment.

What reason could there be for a teenage boy to steal and wear a bra other than for sexual kicks? Of course it was violating that he stole his sister's bra! It's nefarious by definition.

OP you and his dad are royally fucking up with raising him. I appreciate that you're step mum but you've been the second parent for a decade so you are also responsible. The boy is unhappy, alienated and angry. His father is pushing him away rather than bringing him close. Have you considered family therapy?

DSS is likely just gay.

is your DH usually so unkind, so demeaning to someone he should be nurturing? He’s actively damaging your son. I would genuinely question whether our relationship had any longevity and would be asking DH to get therapy to help him self reflect on his own behaviour.

The boy is 17. There is no custody issue. He can live where he chooses.

First you need to actually find out what is going on with ss. Is he gay, a transexual or a transvestite. They are all very different to each other. My understanding is some males like to dress in women's clothes as a stress reliever, and has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality. It's quite often the result of childhood trauma connected to a significant woman in their lives.
As for dh, he has been brought up in a different culture and only you know him, and whether he will come round after the initial shock. He probably wouldn't have reacted as strongly to your daughter announcing that she's a lesbian. Whi knows, once he's calmed down, he may be relieved to have some answers to ss previous behaviour.

This. I’m horrified at your DH’s ignorant and abusive attitude. He is a direct threat to your DSS mental health and wellbeing.
Why should you “back up” a total bigot?
Yiur daughter is the most mature and emotionally intelligent of the 3 of you.
Support DSS. All the way. He needs a compassionate adult, a loving person.

Did his Mum die from illness/accident or did she commit suicide?

I wouldn’t have said fetish, I’d say it’s more symptomatic of experimentation with his gender identity. He needs to be shown massive support as the self harm clearly shows he is suffering mentally and emotionally. Men like OP’s husband are the reason so many gay boys and men used to kill themselves due to shame, condemnation, punishment and lack of support from their families. This is not the 1970s!

OP’s husband clearly feels far more concern about his own standing and reputation within his community and social group than he does for his own son’s physical and mental well being.

That is not love, it’s the height of selfishness.

You were a bigoted idiot trapped in a women’s body once. There, fixed it.

My understanding is some males like to dress in women's clothes as a stress reliever, and has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality

Of course it’s sexual, the “release” is ejaculation.

I personally find cross-dressing as a fetish gross, but appreciate that some women don’t mind, or maybe even find it attractive.

But the OP has a 15 year old daughter who’s enmeshed in this - he’s stealing her underwear- and she’s too young to properly consent in his cross-dressing cosplay.

Poor boy. I wonder if this shows he is craving soft nurturing after losing his mum. Be there for him and give him lots of nurturing.

what’s your husband like with you, any better?

your dd sounds lovely

God I couldn’t be married to that!

Thank you so much Volpini for stating things in such a clear way, and for explaining to @SoupLong exactly why you, and many of us here, are so worried about her poor DSS's mental health. If the Dear young man did tragically end up killing himself, I believe that it would be much less to do with his sexuality, and much more to do with the way the OP's not dear husband has treated him, especially after losing his DMum at such a young age.

Completed suicide. Not committed. It is no longer a crime.

I am sorry for your friend's loss.

Engage a professional to counsel your DSS.
Support him in talking through his issues.
Your DD should not have the responsibility. His insecurities are already causing her to be secretive too.

You and your DH also need to seek advice on how best to react - to enable a healthy outcome.

To all of the classic homophobic and TERF tropes, about he's sexualizing what he's doing, he's going to go onto assaulting females, his step sister is close enough to his age to have the same type of attitude that gender is becoming a fluid concept. For him to self-harm, stealing bras, and his sister helping provide him feel feminine with the application of makeup. This is a young person who is trying to feel comfortable in his own body - something that very few people here like SomewhatAnnoyed has pointed out here. His sister is NOT afraid of him, because it's because he's obviously confided in her and she's actually is willing to help him. OP and your DH obviously have no trans friends to actually understand what he's going through, but until you learn through others who have a similar history, he's going to have to survive until he's on his own. And THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO BE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES. DH may never understand or accept, and that's his choice, as it is his son's to go n/c if it enters that phase. This is not a life anyone chooses by choice because of the fatalistic attitudes they keep spewing with such vitriol. He will only find support being outside of the home likely, and OP you should please educate yourself with PFLAG in the UK to find the support you'll need to find help. It's your choice how you handle it - not your DH, but only yours. A parent's job is to help support their children, and if you can't then let them go to find their own family to find that love so they don't go over the edge with no coming back.