Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

And when his child self harmed .. what was his excuse then? Theres nothing naive in anyone calling him out.

It’s worst than that
this poor boy is at risk of suicide fgs get him lots of support and surround him with love and understanding

LTB - seriously what is keeping you with this homophobic arsehole ?

If you're not very careful you'll lose your DSS and your DD. This lad needs support and love not judgement and lack of empathy.

It seems very likely to me that any man who has no respect for women’s boundaries hates us, yes. I’m not sure why you find that such an outlandish conclusion to reach.

The majority of Mumsnet is incredibly gender critical but it seems they've forgotten that based on this post.

This is potentially the start of a male in female spaces for example, something I'm not critical of to be honest but the fickle nature of the responses are astounding

If you have any influence over your husband (and if you don't, you have problems of your own in the marriage) then tell him to back off, hold his peace and take time to find out what's really going on with his son.
Get him to see that his sons wish to wear make isn't the problem here. The problem is that he had a history of mental health problems and harmful behaviour and would benefit from therapy to address the cause.
This may result in one of many outcomes, which you should encourage your husband to cross when he comes to them, a step at a time. Right now the priority is getting help for a young man who self harms and self medicates.
Try to get your husband focused on that and not be sidetracked by his own fears and prejudices.
If you can't, then you will have to decide how far you will go in acting against him to support your step son. A helpline for families such as family lives may be useful for you.

Your step son is struggling. He needs support and gentle conversation to ask what this all means and how he’s feeling, not being shouted at and made to feel guilty. Appreciate if his dad is from a culture where this is not accepted then it will be hard, but ultimately it comes down to a question of whether he wants to accept his son for the person he is, or drive him away and not have any kind of relationship in future.
You can at least show him kindness yourself, you don’t have to back up your husband.

You need to pick a side and it should be with your DC.

DSS clearly feels he is gay or trans or something.. I know atm theres a lot of polarised views on gender. But honestly, this isnt about politics or culture this is about DSS feeling who he feels he is, is unlovable. DH is making it about him and it isnt.

I think DSS needs someone to advocate for him because his mum is gone and his dad is selfish and shortsighted. He needs someone on his side and it sounds like someone far all hes had is DD.

I think you need to talk to DSS and DD alone, reiterate your support and talk to DH alone too. The fact DH thinks he has a side shows how wrong his thinking is, and i think you need to mediate this or you risk losing DSS and DD wont be impressed either.

Best of luck

Your DSS appears to be an autogynephile. It’s a sexual fetish that emerges at this time. The stealing of underwear is a bit of a giveaway .

He needs counselling, and not by a counsellor who will tell him he’s really a woman. He’s not. He has a sexual proclivity that needs to be discussed as it’s not a healthy one. Have a look at James Esses or the work of Genspect.

It could be that he’s gay, and can only express this via internalised homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality ie if he’s attracted to men, that means he must be a woman, as only women are attracted to men.

Whatever the reason, he needs help. And not ideologically biased help that assumes he’s “born in the wrong body.”

And your DD should not be drawn into his sexual fetish.

Excellent advice

Thank God your step son has you and your DD. I dred to think what his life would be like or if he'd even be here if all he had to support him was that shit excuse of a man. The way he treats his own child who lost their mother at a young age is disgusting, he probably would have got more empathy from violent criminals in a prison than he would his own father.

Why would you support your husband?! He's awful.
Support your poor Ss. He needs it and has done nothing wrong.
It's great he has your daughter to get support from.

I am focusing on the suggestion it is a fetish because of the impact on DD.

Of course he shouldn’t be stealing. And I am also concerned about the impact on DD of bearing his emotional burden etc. and fully agree with the rest of what you’ve said, but not because DSS is fetishising her and is obviously a predator because he’s stolen bras.

I’m sorry maybe I’m a backwards bitch but I would have left with my daughter the second I’d found out he’d been stealing her bras. I’d get him in therapy and I would strive to be there for him, but me and my daughter would be physically removed from that situation. Better safe than sorry and there’s no excuse for stealing someone’s underwear sorry but I don’t wanna hear it. If you want to try on a dress as a man or some make up that’s fine, but you have no tits so there’s no legitimate reason to have a bra. If he’d just been shoplifting them I wouldn’t be so concerned but he’s not, he’s stealing intimate items from his half sister.

The problem is, we need to talk more openly about the issue of autogynephilia (the fetishistic sexual practice that the DSS seems to be in thrall to). Some counselling is needed to get to the bottom of it.

Your DD should not be drawn into it, and it’s not a healthy sexual expression. He needs counselling, but not trans affirmation.

If your DSS is attracted to me, he can be a man and attracted to men. He needs to know that.

But we've got no idea of his true motivation, and it is entirely possible that this is the beginning of a sexual interest in cross dressing, a sexual interest in stealing female underwear, and that he may commit sexual assault in future (or has already done so and got away with it). These are all things we have to accept are possible if we have sons. It's can't be automatically discounted just because it's unpleasant.

Gay men generally don’t steal bras and wear make up. This young lad has some kind of sexual fetish -AGP - many trans identifying males do. Stealing his sisters underwear (and others) is not acceptable. Yeah his dad hasn’t handled it well but this kid need mental health support. Only thing is in this day and age, he will likely be offered hormones and surgery rather than proper counselling.

Oh I'm 99% sure all those sympathising with the very obvious bullying of a young person would flip their story if OP returned and said they'd considered transitioning

The comments about being confused and gay show that

Sad but true @fruitychewchew

The secretive nature of it is understandable with the DH’s attitude but it can’t go on. The DSS needs counselling to explore his desire to steal women’s underwear.

But I do wonder if the young man is gay and confused and thinks that because he’s attracted to men, he must “really” be a woman?

Transition is always problematic in some way or other, even for those who seem to be happier post-transition. I hope that transition is absolutely not discussed in this case.

However, I agree that the stealing and the secrecy should not be condoned.

The reason might be bc they are similar in size so the band fits around his chest, also a mid teenager is likely to have more modern, colourful bras. He may have felt too frightened of his dad to attempt to steal his wife’s underwear. Why does it have to be sexual tho? Has anybody seen RuPaul’s drag race? The level of talent on display by often very young men is incredible. They are artists. Perhaps this young man is similarly creative. It needs the room to be explored, not shut down with no discussion.

I think he absolutely fits the profile of a vulnerable young man who is dangerously close to suicide, particularly if he has nowhere to go if his dad’s threats to kick him out are real. He is being rejected by his only living parent and feeling all kinds of negative emotions associated with this and his own identity, as evidenced by self harm fgs! It’s crucial he feels loved and accepted and is given support right now.

He stole his stepsister's underwear because he's 'creative'?

You might need to say to DH, would you rather a dead son or a make up wearing son. I only put it this starkly because DSS has self harmed in the past and seems very vulnerable. If he says dead son, then you may need to leave and take DSS with you.

You’re right, in some countries homosexuality is vilified but men who turn themselves into women to love other men is accepted. Bloody crazy and awful for them to have to go through that if they don’t identify as a woman, but I’ve also read of cases in places like America where strict, religious parents have been pushing their gay kids to transition bc it is easier to accept than them being gay. Maybe they think it gets through specific loopholes in the bible 🤷🏼‍♀️ utterly tragic and barbaric whatever.

It posted twice for some reason