To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

[JustSwan]

This is my first post so please go easy-Ok backstory- been married to dh for over 10 years…2 dc. Things are mostly fine except for this! dh’s family come across as a very normal Family except that his df was in a very high earning career and they are exceptionally frugal (to the point that actually drives me insane) and I’m known for liking a good bargain! Ok so all this money tha his df made has been siphoned off into trusts/accounts etc (same as what is father did apparently) “For the children” tbh I don’t know the full details as I’m kept in the dark on this stuff.

dh is always saying “oh the money is there, don’t worry it’s there for us and the dc when we need it” great, you would say except it’s not. Aside from 20k that we were allowed to use for our wedding, we have not used or dh hasn’t even entertained asking to use it. For example…we needed a new roof last year- we had to get a loan. One of the dc needed treatment for a medical issue, the waiting list was ridiculously long…decided to opt for private! Could we access money…no! We had to put it on a Credit Card.

This is all fine, ok not major life emergencies, we can deal with it. So here is the clincher…we were taking the other evening about the dc as one of them is enjoying a new hobby. Dh said “Wouldn’t it be great if if he followed that path?!No university costs for us, no loans for them. To which I said “well they won’t have loans anyway dh because isn’t that what the trust is for? The dc? Their future?” He squirmed and said yeah well you know I think it would be easier to make them really work for it if they want it?! Don’t you?”
Honestly I blew up…if they CANNOT use it for education then wtf is it even there for?! I asked him outright? Do these trusts even exist? Has he seen the paperwork etc? Yes he has and it’s for multiple hundreds of thousands but wouldn’t explain what the are exactly or how much extactly…he keeps me in the dark entirely!…yet while say in another breath “aren’t we so lucky that the money is there!?
I feel so led on, if we can’t use them, if dc can’t use them, then why do they exist!!what is the point. It’s like he dangles this weird carrot!

before anyone says im a gold digger of any sort im not. I only found out about these trusts after we got married. I am the higher earner in the marriage too. I just feel like the longer this goes on the more I want nothing to do with it all. What do I do or say?! Please

Generally a trust is there to circumvent tax when someone dies. So Your FIL has to die before they become active (and you can access the money)

But this is what I’m saying too, some are trusts from his df….some are from his grandfather too, some are not trusts. Things are not being fully explained. No matter how much I try to ask and understand, he skirts around it and just says “don’t worry it’s all there” “they’ll get what they want when they need” but we have needed it several times throughout our marriage and it has never come to fruition!

So your moaning about money you can’t spend that isn’t yours or your children’s etc…..

a trust is something that will come into fruition when the awful event possibly of the poor sod who has set up this trust dies!

plus they may be agreements to access the funds which yet again are not yours!!

yeah, you sound all about the money.. soz

I understand they are not mine but dh goes on about them “like WE have these isn’t it great” there’s accounts from his grandparents who are long long gone for him and his siblings” to be honest, I really actually don’t care about the money. I just want to know what they are for and where we stand with them? Do I need to save more for the children for university? In one breath DH says no but yet in the next breath will say let’s make them work for it..

And yes there are accounts SPECIFICALLY in the DCs names because I was made to sign something as their mother.

I don't think you sound grabby at all.

It would be fine if they just had tons of money hidden away and didn't talk about it. Their business not yours. Fine.

But they tell you it's there, suggest it's kind of yours but clearly not . And it's like you're meant to be grateful for this money you can't access or use for the kind of thing parents or even grandparents would usually want to use money like this for.

I would have one last attempt to understand from your husband what this money is and what it's for, as part of your own financial planning for the future. And if he is not crystal clear the. I would tell him you don't want to hear mention of it again, it's misleading and upsetting and it's better not spoken of so you can plan finances accurately.

So does your DH actually ask them for money for the new roof and the medical costs? Are they saying no or is he not even asking and they’re not offering it up.

Sounds like you do care about the money…

oh we had to pay out our own pocket for things, why can’t the grandparents pay etc…

here’s a strange one, if your that bothered about the money that isn’t yours to spend, ask the ones who have set up the trust funds? Or is that not as easy as moaning about it on the internet?

Yes this is pretty what I was going to say. Either explain fully, or just never mention it again please DH. Then plan as though it’s not there.

Is there an age or other conditions? Held in trust till they are 25? Or until they marry?

Does seem odd that you don't know the basics. I would be feeling the same as you I think.

He doesn’t even ask…

That would be infuriating. Every time it’s brought up I’d have to response “ah yes the fictional money that can never be spent.” And laugh.

Funnily enough ex SIL did this…she asked once and she was told by MIL that it was “family” business and never to ask about it again! Yes she is THAT clear cut! Ex SIL left dh’s brother for other reasons but I was told that story by her before she left him. Her and mil never got on after that. It’s such a strange family set up tbh. Ex SIL just dropped off the face of the earth so I can’t even talk to her!

If these are actually in your children’s names, what are the tax implications for them/ you? For that alone it seems like you need more details/ info.

I think I’m just gonna do that. I’m gonna tell him not to mention it ever again. I’m fed up!

This.

Stop telling fucking stories of what is imaginary money.

You want to see the paperwork, or you want to acknowledge there is nothing set up and your DH needs to shut up about his fictional great providers of parents.

No idea! I know there’s some for dh from his grandfather. Again… I have no idea except for “it’s there”.

I’m not financially savvy…obviously…but again I have no idea. It was a sign here moment. And I stupidly did! I was told it was for money for the dc.

That’s your answer then 👍

to be honest, best way would be to carry on with your life not thinking about it or relying on it.

if the money comes it does, if not then hey ho…

all the best with it

I think you need to plan as if they aren’t there, sorry.

I know very rich people like this and they will either never hand the money over or it will come with so many conditions you’re better off without it.

I’d be laughing at DH next time he mentions the trusts and also sitting down with him tomorrow to work out how much uni is going to cost, how much you can save yourselves and how much you’ll get in loans etc.

You could ask the conditions on which the money is held but it doesn’t sound as though you’ll get very far.

If really pushed I would say to DH that you are planning on speaking to a solicitor about winding down the trusts as you’re worried that they could be considered to be tax evasion/ money laundering since nothing is ever paid out to the beneficiaries and you don’t want to get caught up in it. But be aware that this might start WW3 and you probably still won’t see the money.

Sounds like he wants praise or something for the fact this money exists, despite the fact he isn't allowed to access it.

Tell him as far as you're concerned, the money doesn't exist and you don't want to hear him mention it again.

I think there are two issues here.

One is the money. It seems like some of it is in trust from a grandfather's will and could be accessed now. Why does your DH not access it to feather your nest? What is he holding on to it for? Or can he not access any of the money?

The second issue, and it would be the big one for me, is why the flip isn't he open with you about how much it is and when you can have it? It sounds like an unequal and dishonest way to go about a marriage to me. Does he like the power? Does he have a plan B for the money? Or is he just a twat?

I have literally just had a moment where I’ve thought “what if this is all a tax evasion thing? And I’ve put my name to it’ what have I done!!??

He is like this with a lot of things. Even simple things. Won’t tell me plans until last minute and even then it’s all very vague! Even getting engaged was like a fucking puzzle…are we engaged or not! Do we look at venues now or not?…its so so draining.

Why am I only seeing this now?!