Should husband have got taxi at 4am after finishing work late?

[Groay]

Husband is a pilot. He ended up at an airport that is not his home base. This meant he stayed overnight in a hotel. I was fine with this. But I have since learned that everyone except him chose to get in a paid for taxi in the very early hours. Husband’s taxi was for 2pm the next day. Everyone else wanted to gain that day back by getting the travel over and done with.

It meant that I had to cancel an event I wanted to go to. Dh knows I was trying to figure out alternative childcare but the hassle wasn’t worth it in the end so I sacked it off.

Do I have a right to be mad? Dh could’ve slept for three hours in the taxi and then driven the 20 mins home. And had basically the whole next day to chill with the odd drop off here and there for kids.

He said he was knackered. He FaceTimed me from bed and he was definitely tired but I can tell when he’s exhausted. He was actually quite talkative and I had to say get some sleep to him! I was up with poorly baby

I don’t think it’s really wise to drive even 20 mins after flying a plane and some broken sleep in a taxi. And then how much sleep at home before being woken by kids and driving them about (also unsafe)

that doesn’t mean it wasn’t upsetting for you but I think he was totally sensible. Maybe he could have got the taxi all the way home and sorted the car out later if you really didn’t want to cancel your plans? Did the kids absolutely have to be ferried about too?

But it’s much less easy to sleep properly during the day, especially if you know you’ll be needed mid afternoon.

And again, it is different for other members of the crew, but it’s in everyone’s interests that the pilots get proper sleep.

I’d have taken the hotel room too in all honesty. He presumably worked a whole shift, whatever that looked like for him, then a 3 hour taxi. I wouldn’t have wanted him driving after that and it sounds like sleep wouldn’t have been on the cards when he got home. You’re not unreasonable to be pissed off about the circumstances that meant you missed your event, but I wouldn’t be pissed off at him personally.

My event was in the pm. I would’ve had the kids in the morning and early afternoon.

I don't actually blame him for choosing the hotel. Sounds like an extra long shift for him and only one day off before having to return to work?

And if he had come home and tried to sleep through the day (not getting home till around 5am) he'd then be out of routine for sleep as he probably wouldn't want to sleep that night

I couldn't sleep in a taxi even if it was three hour journey. Also know someone who died with car crash and only contributing factor was she was extremely tired as had come straight off a flight from hoilday did a 8 hour shift then did 15 min drive home -- totalled the car luckily only killing herself. So I'd be inclined to think he'd know how he was feeling best and make best choice.

Though I do get annoyance about not being able to do something as childcare or DH lets you down - been there.

Unless you think he was deliberately trying to stop you going to this event -or has history of looking like he might - I'd chalk it up to an unfortunate situation.

YABU - you say he has the whole day at home to recover, but do you and the kids actually let him sleep/rest.

Why couldn't you have gone to the event on your own or take a friend?

Team DH here. How long had he been on duty for at that point?

I think the hotel and sleep was basically ok, but that long term he should be helping to find some solutions so that when his work ends up like that you have alternative childcare so you don't miss out on stuff.

I'm with DH. Especially if he was working the next day.

It seems unlikely the children would have just left him to sleep.

I also don't understand why what anyone else from the crew did matters, they weren't the ones flying.

Was the early hours taxi just for him or for all his colleagues to share? I can never sleep in a car, but if there were others in the car I can imagine it would be impossible.
How many of his colleagues were pilots?

I don't understand why he couldn't have come home earlier I though - surely he could get the taxi rebooked or book his own?

Everyone else in the crew did just that

Was he the only pilot? Maybe he was more tired.

What was your event? Shame you had to cancel but I don't blame him for not wanting a three hour taxi ride (would work have paid for that??) and then a drive, then a crap daytime sleep before having the kids.

I would rather have stayed in the hotel. Sleep in the taxi would have been very poor and then he'd have to drive whilst not feeling up to it, plus not necessarily fall straight to sleep at home as there would be distractions. He might not get to sleep until 9am and then his sleep pattern would be very off for the following day.

I also remember how much harder it was for my dad to sleep during the day when there were other people in the house. We had to tiptoe around the place, and not have friends over, if he was coming off a night flight.

But he wouldn’t be home until around 7am, how long would he have effectively been awake by that point? I’m guessing not far off 24 hours - even if he did manage some sleep in the taxi, it’s not good quality sleep and driving after that would be very unwise. And you said drop offs here and there, which suggests more than one. I’d be concerned for his health and how safely he could drive after a very long day doing a responsible job with very little actual sleep.

I don't think it matters what everyone else did.

Put yourself in his shoes...mega long shift, ending up where you weren't expecting to and then being expected to jump in a taxi for 3 hours, then get to your car, probably defrost it, drive home then try to settle to sleep again (I used to work nights, sleep in the day is shit and not like night time sleep) before getting up to tend to kids, to then try to sleep that night to get up for work the next day

I can totally see why he did hotel and it was the better option

How much sleep would he have managed to get with multiple children at home and knowing he had to get up mid-afternoon to do drop-offs?

Honestly, the more you post the more I think YABU. He was at work flying a plane and tired, and just wanted to sleep.

I would rather he get a proper sleep and get home safely.

Do I have a right to be mad?

A bit disappointed mane about your event, but not mad. This is 4am!

You say he wasn't exhausted, he says he was. I'd rather someone exhausted at 4am after flying a plane, for some sleep, not jigging about in a cab for three hours, then got behind the wheel! Imagine if he'd had an accident due to exhaustion.

So you were fine with it until you found out others had done something different?

Who cares what other people do? It's about how he is feeling - he was diverted hours away from home, in charge of a plane on an unexpected flight path. I wouldn't have blamed him for being shattered and wanting to get his head down as soon as possible. I'm also someone who cannot sleep in cars - including taxis. Plus it's so much harder to sleep during the day than at night.

I think he made a sensible choice and was much safer to be on the road once he got back to the car. It's unfortunate you missed an event, but these things happen. If it was a very important event and not just a knees up then knowing this type of thing could happen it always helps to have a Plan B. I have a friend who works as a flight engineer and has an emergency babysitter for when weather prohibits them getting home.

The other pilot opted to go home according to dh

I think we need a little more here. What was your husbands schedule? Was he delayed? What was his flying time? Etc

He certainly shouldn't have driven even if he did get a sleep in the taxi.

So, maybe he could have come home but I don't blame him for not.

It looks like you're just looking for justification to be pissed off.

The other pilot might have a different journey home, a different upcoming schedule, or might not have multiple DC at home to handle/sleep through.

He wanted to go to bed at 4am. I really don't think that's the crime you're trying to make it out to be.