To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

Put her in nursery for that extra day. If they want to see your DD they can come to you at the weekend.

They are clearly being unreasonable. My mother always keeps her living room lights far lower than I would, but we just joke about when I’m over and am fumbling around in semi-darkness trying to do something!

But I don’t understand your set up - how do you manage to do a day’s work in that set up? You’re in the same room as your parents and DD and presumably get engaged in what they are doing when necessary. I’d really struggle to concentrate in that scenario.

Absolutely. I’ve several times been in situations where people use these sort of techniques to tell me they don’t want me there. It’s so pathetic and passive aggressive but the relief when you remove yourself from the nonsense is huge.

She's already booked into nursery on that day. Maybe read the OP's posts!

A suggestion might be to get a portable lamp, with a battery - there's a few on Amazon or Asda so you aren't using their bulbs or electric 🙃 it is weird though!

I wouldn't be losing out on a days childcare you've paid for though, I say that as a toddler mum, and if you aren't enjoying it into the bargain, and you're work might be suffering then time for a new year's resolution and a boundary? Dd goes to the childcare you've booked and then DGPs can see you all socially at weekends

There's only one of you, you can't be dashing around and trying to work and missing out on paid for childcare and not happy. Good luck op

Ask them to buy a lamp OP, or if you are kind / inclined enough buy a lamp yourself and take it over there. No spotlight use then.

Or just stop going. Your parents are being unreasonable. At some point they may realise this. No one is going to be on their deathbed wishing they are had preserved the longevity of their spot lights at home more. It is their call whether they want a relationship with your duaghter. They need to wake up to themselves. Utter madness.

Lets all hope that when we are grandparents we value our grandchildren more than lighting bulbs 💡 ❤️🌻

Your parents are being unreasonable and controlling and you are letting them manipulate and control you. This will only continue in other ways as your DD gets older and they get older. You need to assert your boundaries now or they will walk all over you and your DD in future.

It’s your parents who are being controlling, they have got you to agree to an arrangement that is inconvenient and costs you money, plus they expect you to be uncomfortable while doing it. The reason you can’t tell them you are not doing this anymore is because you are used to them telling you what they want and you comply with that, anything else is not permitted. Your parents accusing you of being controlling is very telling in that they would rather you had no control at all.

Have you asked why they sunny rang the bulbs to be used? In a room which they are not saying in?
If you really feel the need to continue going there i would take a big desk lamp with me

I’m already paying for DD, so as it is a problem to put the lights on - we will stick to our normal routine.

Not puttting the lights on is pretty highly controlling

They are being ridiculous. I would try to have a calm conversation with them, asking if they really want to make you feel so unwelcome in their home that you are considering ending the arrangement. If they continue to object to you switching the light on, stop going and tell them exactly why.

Yes they are being unreasonable, but if you do still want to continue going there, an easy solution might be to bring your own fully charged USB lamp.

Is there a different room in the house where you can work with the light on; maybe a spare room?
They possibly do not see your WFH as 'real' work, and do not actually realsie that you are obliged to be 'at work', albeit in a working from home environment.

You go over to theirs because they won’t come to you. And you go over at their request I.e. when they want - OP wake up! They are the ones being controlling!

You are the parent of a minor. It’s upto you.

I can’t ever imagine begrudging my child of turning on a light so they can work.

If they request you come over on a dull day - sorry that doesn’t work for us. See you next time!

You hold all the power in this situation OP and you're too scared to use it.

Put your DD into the care you pay for, let them sort themselves out.

You're being bullied.

Tell them, bluntly, before you leave their house that you need to work with the lights on, so you can either come back next week and work with the lights on and no grumbling about it, or wait until the lighter months when the lights don't need to be on. Tell them it's entirely up to them, which option would they prefer?
My parents sound similar. They still think of you as a teenager wasting energy for no good reason, so you need to explain directly.

It’s insane that you are paying for 5 days on the off chance that they decide to go on a last minute holiday! You absolutely know the solution is to tell them she’s going for 5 days a week because of all of the reasons you’re stating. This sounds like a pretty odd relationship with your parents. You’re the one paying for nursery, you’re DD’s mother, you are an adult who can make a decision without their parents say-so.

If it is the bulbs thst bother them and not the electric, then could you buy a desk lamp and jyst bring it with you each time? Then it’s your bulb and your lamp and you csn have the light exactly as you want it? Might be worth a try? I think thry are being v odd - but old people get hung up on nonsense!!

The energy crisis in the late 70s caused a lot of this too.

Is that not why weekends are for, can you drive over after nursery/work for a short visit once every couple of weeks?

Could you take a lamp/s and see what they say? But yes, I'd just stop going over and use nursery if they have an issue.

I would stop going during the week. It's not much of a visit when you are working anyway. Go during the weekend if you can. Even if it's every 2nd weekend. Or like pp says tell them they can pick her up from nursery.

None of this makes sense. You are paying (presumably at great expense) for 5 days a week childcare, not using one of those days, incurring more cost on petrol/car wear at tear/your own stress and time by driving to your parents one day a week, and then being giving shit for what is an entirely reasonable demand for basic and necessary working conditions? Just see your parents at the weekend. This makes absolutely no sense.

I imagine there's a long family history / background to all this. Do you have any siblings? A partner?? How old are your parents?

As others have commented, they want everything their own way. And if you try and be fair, reasonable and put normal boundaries in place then they react in the way they do. Has this always been the family dynamic?

Start to do what works for you. Go once a fortnight, but put the lights on when needed. Plug your laptop in. Do they give YOU notice when they plan on not having you over? And how much is this costing you - do they feed you both etc when you are over?

I do trust them but after a few hours I think they get a bit distracted or focus on other things so a full day without me around would worry me a bit.

So they can only cope for a few hours. You either take your DC at the weekend so you can leave after a few hours or you tell them that it’s no longer convenient for you to go to them during the week and they will have to come to you. They can then pick your DC up from nursery early and spend a few hours with them. You need to be an adult, at the moment you sound like a whiny child.