To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

So you work full time and pay for 5 days of nursery. Your parents like to see your DD so one day per week you go to theirs, but you must work as you work: full time! All you ask for, is decent lighting. Your parents say no?? Sorry to say this but they are complete nutters. Accusing you of being controlling? You are doing nothing wrong! Explain it to them one more time like they are a 6 year old. Don’t let them tell you that you are difficult or that you are taking their grandchild away. The choices are: you work at your own home with lights on, or at their home with lights on. They can choose!

They don't want you there and have changed their mind on looking after your dd but don't want to say "we don't want your dd here" so they are complaining about the lights instead.

Take the hint, put your dd into childcare and let them visit at the weekend or something less stressful.

Keep rhe door shut in the room you are working in. It sounds like you are in the kitchen working, and are not really focused on work as you are in the room.

Does your dd like it there?

Are their words ' controlling and unreasonable' exactly. My parents vocab didn't include modern expressions. What did they actually say?

You could say' what is the solution then? '
I can't work without lights abd you don't want them on. Neither of us are backing down. That's fine.

If you are there 9-5 it's a long day for everyone. Dd is used to nursery. Sounds like they are struggling with all day childcare whilst you work at the kitchen table. I can see this is not working anymore, if it ever did, really:)

You are going to have to give up half a day weekends or they can. Suggest take turns. It's just not working anymore.

Could they not come to yours to see her where you can have the lights as you like.

Id be clear.. mum, dad. To bring DD I have to work and if I cant have the light on while I do im getting a headache.. so can we either compromise on the lighting at yours or can you come to mine to see her. Im happy to accommodate whatever youd prefer, but I cant afford to not do my work and im missing out on time with her later because working like this gives me a headache.

They are being absolute idiots about this. An old halogen spotlight will probably cost about 11p to run for 8 hours. If they’ve got an LED maybe 1-2p.

What are they like with food when you’re there? It just seems so petty to say you can’t turn a light on. You are paying a fortune in nursery costs to facilitate this at your own hassle and they begrudge you a light. I really do think you need to cut down or stop facilitating this. I’d cut it down to once a month max.

Assuming you still want to visit your parents every week, could I suggest that you take your own light to shine specifically on your laptop? Overhead lights are not good for the eyesight anyway, as they cast shadows and are also desperately unflattering! I don't allow them in my house!

My parents vocab didn't include modern expressions

My parents would use both of these expressions (not aimed at me thankfully!). They’re in their 60s. What’s modern about ‘unreasonable’?

Their house, their rules.

To an extent yes- but if you have rules that are so petty and ridiculous you begrudge someone turning on a light then they can’t be cross if the OP decides not to come as much.

my job matters. So I’d say ‘your choices are limiting my options, I can only work in well lit spaces and dd would be very impacted if I lost my job. I am sorry that you will miss your days with dd but I cannot work in that lighting so I can no longer bring her over on work days. I have to go now, bye.’

I would be too mad at their bloody mindedness to feel bad at their stupidity!!

It's inconvenient for you to carry on doing this , if they want a relationship with dd they can put the effort into travelling to you to see her.

So ask them what they think the options are to achieve that.
(You taking DC there for the day while you work is no longer an option if you can't have enough light to see by). So what else is there that they can suggest?

(Can they drive? )

I think PP is saying "don't take DD on your working day". Days off and weekends only, when it suits you and them, not just at their demand. Copy paste one of the suggestions PPs have made, send them the text saying that, then don't look at your phone for a little while as they might react nastily. BUT it doesn't mean you're being mean, or controlling, or whatever they'll accuse you of (quite the opposite actually, I think they're massively projecting when they say that!), it just means they can't act and react like emotionally intelligent adults, and that's out of your control.

Get a portable rechargeable lantern (or desk light) to take with you. Or buy them a stock of suitable light bulbs and offer to change the bulbs if or when they fail. Are they really difficult to change? The ones in our kitchen are an absolute pita to change, not helped by our 9ft high ceilings. Or just say you can't go there if you can't work and you need the lights on to work.

It does sound fairly unreasonable of them, maybe they just don't like you working in their house when you are visiting with your DD.

Are they nasty in other ways? I’m baffled by this - I can’t imagine my mum telling me I can’t put a light on. Even my dad, whose parenting left a lot to be desired in many ways, wouldn’t do that. It’s bizarre.

Can you drop her off and then go and work in a cafe for a couple of hours.

When they say you are being unreasonable and controlling, ask them for a solution.

Frustrating but their house their rules, I suppose. Bring a big lamp with a daylight bulb in to work by. Leave it there if they’ll let you, and have the bulb be your responsibility.

They like the lights off and they like to see your DD. Think of it like this - THEY have a choice to have you there with the lights on or you work at home and if they want to see DD, they come to yours. Another solution would be for you to take DD over, then go home to work or they collect DD and take her to theirs for the day. Ask them which they'd prefer.

Surely the cost of you having the lights whilst you work is less than their petrol costs would be if they came to you? They’re being very unreasonable.

If it was me I would lay out 3 options.

1. continue the current arrangement, but you can put the light on to work if it’s needed
2. the come to you and look after your dd at your house
3. you stop the arrangement and your daughter goes to nursery since it’s paid for anyway, and you stick to visits on the weekends

Leave it up to them to pick. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to go with option 3 if they refuse options 1 and 2 though. They’re not doing you a favour by providing free childcare, if anything this is a bit of an inconvenience to you that you’re tolerating so that they can have the quality time they want with your child at their convenience.

Yes their reaction us not good but if they are not always reacting like that and you have a reasonable relationship with them I wouldn't dwell on it. Look for a solution instead. No one is perfect in this life.

Can they come pick her up instead and you can pick her up after?. I'm always envious of those with relationships with family as some of us have none. My parents are dead and I don't have a relationship with my siblings. Cherish your family.

You can tell them nicely you can't work there so can they pick her up. I hope it works out.

So I am a grandparent - I like to take care of children while parents are working. I do it to help them out, but the big winner is me because I love my babies. I have done the care at their home and at my home. It depends what works best at their time. There was a point at which doing care in child’s home required nearly one hour commute. I did it to help my Dd and my grandson.

So that is my experience. My feelings about your parents is that they are being totally unreasonable. If the bulb goes I am sure that they can fix it. “How many grandparents does it take to fix a lightbulb?” Ffs.

They need two options if they are not happy with the light on - either child goes to daycare or they come to your house. That is not controlling it is just common sense.

Older people do tend to worry about things that younger people don't give a second thought to. If what you say is how they see things too (they might have quite a different take on this?) then they are being unreasonable but they also might genuinely worry about getting up on a stepladder to change the bulbs. I know you're not looking for solutions but how about taking your own lamp? But I suspect that they might also be worried about energy bills if the old people I know are anything to go by so that may not be a solution at all though! But I would say it is important for your eye sight to have proper lighting and not at all unreasonable to insist on that - it doesn't mean you're taking over in their house.

Why are they bothered at all if you are in a separate room? This makes no sense at all. They are being ridiculous and you needn't feel guilty if you decide not to go.

I try not to argue with crazy. Don't go there. Don't explain. They already understand - they just don't care. Liberate yourself from fear, obligation and guilt. How do you think your DD will benefit from being around toxic people?

All the posters saying take your own lamp, their house their rules, they're doing you a favour etc. are clueless and those posters need to work on their reading and comprehension. OP please don't take advice on your toxic parents from people who know absolutely nothing about toxic families.

They will just find another way to make their feelings known