To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

"Yes, I have to be in charge of my health, and staring at a screen in poor light gives me a headache. Do you actually want me to have a headache?"

I might have missed you already having answered this, but what would happen if you said "Is it ok with you if I put the light on, please, because otherwise I get a headache"? They then can’t accuse you of being controlling. If they said no, you could reasonably say "Well, I can’t come to work here in future then, because you apparently care more about me having the light on than about my health".

Stop caring about whether they think you are controlling, and actually take control.

The visits sound entirely for their benefit and are to your detriment, so stop doing it. They'll grumble, but they're doing that anyway, so there's no loss there.

Are you an only child by any chance?

@Redrosesposies is spot on, it isn’t working for you so they either have to change or enjoy their spotlights alone.

If they want to see your daughter they know where you are.

The other thing to bear in mind is that if you faff about like this you could lose that nursery day. You are paying for it, yes, but it will be messing up their ratios in that they have to staff for a child who is not there!

My DM looked after my DC for a day a week while she was this age but she actually looked after her! And if I needed to do a bit of work she'd let me hide in the (well lit) studio. That's what an actually helpful parent would do.

They are wrong. It sounds like when it comes to matters where you should be in charge - your childcare arrangements, your working conditions - they are trying to make you feel in the wrong for determining them, when actually these are things you should be in control of! It is so sad that it’s like this OP, as others have said it really sounds like they bully you and only you can change the dynamic by not letting them anymore.

This is so bonkers you are being massively inconvenienced taking your DD to visit them on your working day whilst also having to pay for nursery.

If they want to have DD during the week then they can pick her up from your home in time for you to start work or from nursery.

You need to prioritise DD, then you, then your job, then them!

@Greehsa PLEASE listen to the hundreds of people on here who are telling you that it is YOUR PARENTS who are being controlling / domineering / in charge / dramatic / etc.

You absolutely MUST start to change this dynamic (I bet it's not only about the light is it?). And soon they will start to turn it on your daughter - is this what you want her to learn, to give in to people who are nasty and never stand up for yourself?

Maybe get some counselling to help you? Or just start to read up on coercive control and techniques for dealing with it.

I bloody love this!! Great reply!!

I haven't read everything (it's a long thread) so sorry of I'm repeating.

Are all lights an issue for them or is the problem limited to the spot lights? If it's just the spot lights then maybe they're not being unreasonable. Maybe they guzzle electricity and the bulbs blow frequently. Try bringing a desk lamp. If it's all lights then they're being weird and you need to stop working from there.

Sounds to me like your parents want it both ways; ie you traipse over there so they can see DGD then they moan that you need some decent light to work
I would just tell them that you won't be over again until the days get lighter as you need to work and can't do so in the semi dark. The ball is then firmly in their court

Are you frightened of your parents OP? You must know that you aren't controlling in any way, shape or form. You are bending over backwards to facilitate their relationship with your daughter entirely on their terms, no matter how much inconvenience it causes you.

You are paying for full time nursery but only using it for four days, but they tell you that you need to pay for 5 days so they can go on holiday whenever they like. You have to drive to them, meaning that you are spending time on the road, rather than working.

They sound like petty tyrants and you are stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

Don’t go anymore. Just say sorry I need to work & can’t work in the dark

Take a battery lamp.

To answer your question op, you are not unreasonable, they are.
if I were you I’d tell them : “ see you in the summer when the days are brighter”.

I doubt that will help. My dad is like this. He won't allow lights to be on so my brother bought some battery operated motion activated lights so we can walk round the house at night without walking into walls. My brother paid for them. My dad moans about them and thinks they are unacceptable. People like this just want their own way regardless because they are rigid, controlling and inflexible.

Whatever the op suits will be "wrong" so she has as well so what she wants.

Interestingly, it was once I had children that I learned to stand up to my dad, because I could do for turns what I couldn't do for myself.

Your parents are clearly the ones being utterly unreasonable.
They are bullying you so you must take firm control of the situation.
Send your daughter to nursery and work at home where you don't have to put up with their nonsense

It’s quite simple really isn’t it.

most people have a very small light on to watch television because as we age the flickering hurts our eyes and brains - the same with a monitor.

The nursery is paid up for a full week - get your moneys worth. If they start guilt tripping you, just say “I need to be good at my job - but some distractions are to distracting/distressing.

They are more than welcome to yours fir an evening or two a week or dues the drive home with the headlights distress them

My dad has always gone around turning off lights even when people are in a room and we’ve ALWAYS ignored him. If he kicked up a big fuss, I’d arrive with a box of bulbs ready to replace if that was the bug bear.

For what it’s worth, I wfh most of the time and I have my office light on at home for most of the year. And that’s not unreasonable. It’s rare for me that the natural light will be the right light for me to work on my computer (even summer can be too bright/blinding so I close the blinds and put on the lights - can’t win!)

im being controlling as it’s their house and ‘they don’t have the lights on when it’s daytime.’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

OP, please tell me you realise this is insane.
It's literally the consequences of them saying you can't spend the day in their house because you need the light on to see! You're absolutely not in charge, because you're not the one dictating the bloody lights being off!

They're completely irrational. Would they say you can't have a drink of water as well? Can't use their loo roll?

I'd be worried they'd deprive DD of something too just to prove their weird little power trips.

If op’s parents are happy for their own child to get a headache by depriving her of proper working conditions(she’s asking for light not to be server right left and centre) I would not trust them to be on their own with the granddaughter on a regular basis. Imagine the poor kid asked for something and they begin to make her feel like she didn’t need it. That would not happen under my watch.

This thread is blowing my mind.

There are people out there who won’t let guests (THEIR DAUGHTER) turn on a light? What is the point of having the lights if you aren’t allowed to turn them on? How is this even a disagreement?

Your parents are nuts.🥜

Op they are controlling you. If they want to see dd they should go to you as one it’s good for work purposes lights on , 2 they can leave when the get fed up and 3 if there so concerned about dd in nursery they could offer to come over in the morning see her then she goes to nursery for the other half a day you get your work done. What’s wrong with visiting at weekends?

I think the issue isn't the light but it's actually the relationship with your parents (they sound controlling but perhaps they all are).
Short term solution- perhaps you could take a deal lamp with you?

Why make the effort to take DD over there when it just leads to arguments?- stop going and if they complain say you can't work in low light, so you have to stay at home-see what they say.
You are spending time, energy and petrol taking her, the idea this efort is not worth a couple of bulbs/ KwH is nonsense, and tell it's nonsense , and to stop the guilt trip-either they want to see DD and will risk a bulb or they don't want to see her that much. Older people often get irrational ideas about what things cost, but i fear in this instance it's purely controlling behaviour, especially as they use guilt as a tool-put your foot down, now.

Sucks to be them.

You need to work. You need light while working so you don't get a headache. This is reasonable. Parents refuse to let you put light on. Unreasonable, but their home. Ergo, you can't go to their house as you can't work there due to their insistance on it being dark inside. It's their choice to control their lighting rather than have you working there. So you don't go.

They're controlling, not you. See them a whole lot less.

They're acusing you of being domineering and controlling because they know you have a hard time standing up to them and saying a simple no when they badger you and gaslight you. You're going to have to get over that. Do you think it's healthy for your daughter to see your parents fight with you over turning on a fucking light? Or your parents telling you you're something negative that you're not? They're not your authority figures anymore. You do what's right for you and your child, not what they want you to do.

Keep her in her care for that day and back off from visits. You control access to your child as a parent. That's your legal right and responsibility.