To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

@Greehsa- If you come back to this thread today- please reflect on how few people think your parents are reasonable and now few think you need to prioritise what they want over what’s best for your health, your finances, your career and your dd.

You clearly are struggling with the idea you can say no to your parents, that if they are upset and try to guilt you, it’s ok for them to be upset because you refuse to prioritise their unreasonable expectations. You are no longer the child of the family. You are the mum of the family and your parents are the grandparents of the family, what you say goes (in relation to any parenting) not what they say.

One thing to focus on - if you are getting bad headaches from working in the dark, you aren’t fit to drive. It is not safe to drive your dd back in that situation so it has to stop. You wouldn’t have 2 glasses of wine then drive your DD home (I assume!). You need to view deliberately making yourself unwell before a long drive with your dd in the car is actually terrible parenting on your part and so you cant do this any more and be a good parent. Keep that at the front your mind when they start guilting you.

Theyll get used to dd being in nursery 5 days a week or they need to come to you to see her.

Maybe frame it as ‘the nursery said DD needs to attend every day as there is a waiting list for her place’. Or some sort of white lie.

No need to lie to encourage their unreasonable behaviour. The OP needs to learn to be more assertive with them or put herself outside their reach.

Take a plug in lamp?

Honestly OP I do understand where you’re coming from with the endless guilt but one of the joys of parenting is that it really holds a mirror up to your relationship with your own parents. Whenever I’m in a situation like yours now i ask myself a couple of question 1) would i ask/expect this of on my DC when they’re adults (i.e would I treat them this way) and 2) is this the kind of response/ behaviour I want to model for my dc. If my answer to both is no then I accept (with a little guilt) that I’m not being unreasonable. It is easier said than done but the guilt will ease the more you do it. My epiphany only came after having endless conversations with my DD about her friendship problems at school. I realised that whilst I had her back and was encouraging her to stand up for herself, telling her being a good friend doesn’t mean putting everyone else’s needs first all the time I wasn’t actually modelling that behaviour for her. I felt like a massive hypocrite telling her that her needs were just as important as anyone else’s whilst also bending over backwards to accommodate my parents demands.

This whole situation is ridiculous.

Your parents are demanding, controlling and odd.

You are a fully grown adult with a child and a full time job, yet you are unable to tell them how you will parent, and what conditions you need to work.

You are constantly bending over and inconveniencing yourself, your child and your work to accommodate the whims and demands of your parents.

The current situation isn’t working. It’s mad to pay for a day of nursery that your child doesn’t attend, and it’s even crazier that you have to be on hand because your parents get bored / distracted with providing the childcare they insist on doing.

You need to woman up- this is about more than a lamp.

You going there during work hours is not working out for you. You need to arrange a weekend time to see them. Don’t fold to the guilt trips .

Give it a try. What is the absolute worst thing they could do to you?

There unreasonable but for a quite life I’d try something like this

I must say I’m flabbergasted at how many people think this is really about a lightbulb (from the parents side) and that buying a lamp will solve op’s problem 😳

@Seo5678 do you mind me asking what sort of things would come up with your mum? I have reflected after reading your message and I have a few examples but I worry they seem very petty although they do make me feel my needs are unimportant

@SameShitDifferentDate They’d make me feel awful saying I didn’t care about thei relationship with DD, I’m forcing DD to be in nursery full time when she doesn’t need to do. And things like that.

@QuietLifeNoDrama thank you this is really helpful. There’s absolutely no way I can imagine a time where I would ever say to DD that she couldn’t have the light on to work or make her feel she was difficult for having the light on to work. If anything I would ask her what she needed to make it work for her.

YANBU but they will not let this one go.

I suggest you yourself a portable, cordless battery powered reading lamp from the RNIB website shop. They have a sale on at the moment..

Dont go over there to work. They for some reason dont like this to happen.

Could you:

• Stay at yours and they can come to you.
• You pick them up once you have your Daughter and they come to you.
• Take your Daughter to theirs and then just drop and go back and work.
• Arrange another time when you arent having to work and take your Daughter.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel thanks. I think the guilt thing comes from the fact that I start wondering if I am in fact being unreasonable for asking for the light to be on, which, if I was, then it is actually me ruining things for DD rather than them. It’s really hard for me to make a judgement in situations like this and back myself when I have two people (my parents) both telling me I’m unreasonable

@YourOliveBalonz they present it as im being controlling as it’s their house and ‘they don’t have the lights on when it’s daytime.’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

How would it ever be unreasonable to ask for a light to be on, unless your parents are trying to sleep?!

@GalaxyJam i am not sure. I wouldn’t mind if someone asked me but when two people are accusing you of being controlling, wanting to be ‘in charge’ and being ‘domineering,’ it’s harder than you think not to second guess yourself. I know I need to do better for DD’s sake and start to have more confidence in myself

’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

And?

Agree with them. 'Well yes, dad, I do have to be in charge of my own work and my own child.'

Everything they accuse you of doing / being is exactly how THEY are behaving.

Ok so you have our permission to say this arrangement isn’t working for you. You need to work all day that day and you aren’t able to get it done at their house. You are happy to use the nursery as childcare or they can come to you for part or all the day. But you aren’t able to work at their house so you aren’t going to do this anymore. Done. Make the focus that you are unable to do the days work. Don’t get into solutions, just you d decided from this week onwards, you need to work from home or the office. You will use the nursery for childcare.

All sorted, refuse to give in to guilt “I know you’ll miss dd, but I’ve got to work and I’m not managing to get enough done at your house. I can’t afford to give up work.” “I need to be at home to work. I can’t bring dd over for the day.” “I know it’s sad, but I need to work.” On repeat.

Yes just repeat that your need to work trumps their requirement for you to not spend 3p on lighting
Or ask then to work out on their smart meter what it costs and reimburse them ( surely they would see how awful that was???)

Well there you have it. They are getting you to bring DD to their house one day a week so she isn’t at nursery full time. But they don’t want to look after her all day (you have said they start to get distracted after a few hours). So they are manipulating you to stop working that day so that you look after her by not letting you have a light.

I mean at this stage I would try the portable lamp just out of interest to see what they do next. Because they WILL do something else to try to achieve their aim of stopping you working full time.

They’d make me feel awful saying I didn’t care about their relationship with DD, I’m forcing DD to be in nursery full time when she doesn’t need to do. And things like that

So what?

You control how you feel.
You would be the one making yourself feel awful.

They are the ones insisting on a situation that is ridiculous.

Channel your inner Grange Hill and Just. Say. No.

You should be in charge of your own daughter, work and life. I’d just agree with them “Yes, I do have to be in charge of my own life. I’m not a child”.