To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

I think one of you needs to take him out. That's the deal with young kids I think - they (or at least, most of them, esp boys) need it and home and garden doesn't feel enough to properly stimulate and tire them out IME. I have 2 dd and it only really calmed down when they were 7/8ish. Until then it would have been gone out somewhere outside if weather good enough, swimming or soft play if not. It is a tough aspect of parenting if you don't like the cold / can't be bothered.

Your DH is taking the utter piss.

There is a balance. It is good for children to learn to use their imagination and play rather than being entertained all of the time. I explain to mine if they don't want to play with their toys, we could always give them to charity for little boys and girls who would (funnily enough this works).
As for outside, playing in the garden is absolutely fine for today; you cannot be ruled by a 4 year old or he'll learn tantrums, and winging, are the route to get his own way. Some battles you have to have; it'll make it easier in the long run.

OK. It’s just that the extreme distress at the change of routine, and your saying that he has trouble transitioning from activities he enjoys, rang loud bells to me. But not as loud as your husband’s apparent inability to deal with noisy/crowded/cold environments. And there’s a strong genetic element to autism.

Either way, your son is NBU to want to go out, and your husband is BU to refuse to do anything with his children.

I disagree.

I think home and garden can be perfectly stimulating for anyone, young children included.

Especially if they've been at nursery or school all week. Maybe it depends on the kids, but mine are very happy at home all day on occasion.

for the refusing to come home etc. ylu need to put in some natural consequences. Make clear what will happen and follow through.

The natural consequence for running off when out about is that you have to walk holding hands and you won’t be going to the park.

If you refuse to leave the park at the end of play time, we won’t be able to go to the park.

Ylu then train them, get them to run to the next lamppost and come back, lots of positive reinforcement for getting it right.

Same with leaving the park, set the expectation at the beginning, give warnings of how long left (make it meaningful, you have time for five more trips down the slide, you have time for twenty swings on the swing.. whatever) and then follow through with going home. Remind of consequence if not doing as asked, lots of praise for doing as asked.

Consistency is key; it won’t work immediately but keep going and it will get easier.

no bribing.

I’ve had a child under the age of 10 for the last 25 years. This has been a recurrent theme 😂 I used to be obsessed with getting out of the house and every weekend day (I think it stemmed from not doing much with my own parents) I found that my eldest just expected to be going out all the time and that was difficult when money was tight or I didn’t feel well etc. Since we moved into a larger house with a garden I’ve taken a more relaxed approach with the youngest ones. I do feel a bit stir crazy if I don’t go out all day (sat here now wondering what I should do) but I do actually think it’s good for them to realise that you don’t have to leave the house every day. I don’t know about you but I feel like every time we leave the house it costs money! Perhaps your youngest would be happy with a free walk somewhere but if he’s expecting (like mine came to expect) a little treat and lots of stimulation it’s not necessarily always possible. That’s my opinion as a mum of 4 anyway.

Edited to add: mine are currently colouring a cardboard box and arguing like cat and dog so I’ve clearly not cracked the whole parenting lark. I’m a human being too though so I don’t have to always do what my children want. I do that 90% of the time.

Yes, exactly what you’ve listed.

“OUT” meaning, going for a walk, riding his scooter, walking around the park. He simply enjoys spending time outdoors.

Your dh can take him out to park or scoot around the block.
Parents have to do sone things they dont like. Like put a hat and coat on go out in the cold. Ds will feel better after half hour outside
It is his dh turn

Low energy? Stay on the sofa? WTF?

I have spent years as a single parent driving my kids round on a Saturday to sports clubs. We've done swimming club plus all weekend competitions, ballet plus ballet shows and exams at the weekend, Jiu Jitsu plus competitions and gradings at the weekend, rugby - including a rugby match first thing tomorrow. On top of this I workout 5/6 times a week and work full time.

I don't think I need to be told by you that I have no energy but yes when haven't had all these things going on we have taken the down time too. He's 4yrs old, surely going to play in the garden top play is pretty standard or do you not allow your kids to?

That's a bit bloody convenient. I bet he doesn't like hot weather either. 18 degrees and sunny and maybe he would, right? Except he doesn't.

Well, that sounds like a not-unreasonable thing for a small child to want.

I mean, I get that you're sick of being the only parent who ever leaves the house with your joint children, because your DH is a lazy bastard about going outdoors, but what happens if you say 'Take X out for half an hour, please, before it gets dark. I've done it for the past four years. Your turn.'

It’s interesting that you’re not addressing why you feel compelled to respect your husband’s need never to do anything he doesn’t fancy.
How about your need for a break? Does he ever respect that?

I am with your 4 year old on this one, I hate being cooped up in a stuffy central heated house all day at the weekend, I go insane and feel irritable. I would just wrap up and take him on a walk for half an hour, and get it out of the way.

He simply enjoys spending time outdoors. Hmm if he enjoys it that much he'd play in the garden. I rather suspect he enjoys the notion that going out with mummy= "bribes" (i.e something good), more.

And you don't have to let a 4 year old dictate how you spend your day or you'll make a rod for you're own back if he never learns to accept No.

My husband does not come with us on outings
Thats a pretty sad way to live.

As a parent you have to make sacrifices for your children; especially when they are so little and rely on you for entertainment. A bit sad that your husband suit himself; what is the point of having children.

I’m struggling to believe that there are no outdoor places that your DH could go with your dc that are outdoors and quiet or quiet ish.
He seems to be very content to let you shoulder the heavy work of parenting.
To me this seems a bigger issue than your dc wanting to burn off some energy outside.

Because I avoid doing certain things that make me uncomfortable, and he respects that too.

If he decides against taking our four-year-old out in the cold, that's his choice, and I won't push or question him on it.

I won't change that just because people here believe I should.

You don't get to opt out of things that make you uncomfortable when you're a parent and have children who need to be looked after.

Your DH needs to put his big boy pants on and start being a parent.

You need to get him used to indoor days.

Don't pander to nonsense, is my advice. It doesn't sound like you're very firm with him and it's backfiring a little.

Bribing him to come home is insane and making a rod for your back. I'm not one for overly authoritarian parenting but you need to get this under control, OP? Does he go to school? Schools have relatively strict times and unless he's kicking off in school then it's nothing some boundaries won't fix.

You're a mug then! Why did he have kids if he is frightened of weather, the outdoors, people and being uncomfortable.

OP doesn't want to take DS out and OPs DH doesn't want to take DS out, so DS doesn't go out. It's not like neither wants to feed him, or tend to medical needs or interact with him. They just don't want to leave the house. And that is perfectly acceptable. It's clearly not an everyday or every weekend issue, it's just today.

Except it's not just a one-off, is it? Winter lasts for months.