To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

You're the adult. You're in charge. Don’t be dictated to by a 4 year-old.

Well that’s the bit that’s unreasonable. Your DC never get to go on days out with both their parents? Why doesn’t DH come?

Not liking cold weather is not an excuse for not parenting. We've all spent years of our lives doing stuff we're not particularly keen on for the benefit of our offspring. I could write a doctorate on 'Favourite Puddles of Our Former Village' and 'Tobogganing Behind the Church With Period Pain' when DS was little.

I'm recovering from a deeply unpleasant lingering cough and cold which has been going on at least a fortnight, but DH is away for work, DS is too young to go solo. I can't drive and no other parents were able to offer a lift, so I got the bus to spend an hour and a half on freezing sidelines last night.

Tell your DH to get his lazy ass in gear.

Why not? Is he a vampire who can't tolerate daylight?

Whatever you do if you have told him you are not going out today do not give in and change your mind otherwise he will know that if he kicks up enough fuss he'll get his own way. I'd suggest you ignore and start doing something with the older one that will interest him, I bet he'll quieten down and come and join in if he thinks he's missing out on a fun activity!

Leave him to cry. He needs to learn that you are the parent and he doesn’t control what happens. He has a garden to play in, he isn’t cooped up. What if you were ill and dh wasn’t there? I also don’t think you should pander to him because there are times when you just can’t do it and that’s ok

Not the point of the thread but you’ve got a husband problem!

The fact that you go on family trips with your friends but not your husband (on days he’s not working) would suggest he’s not very engaged, unless he’s doing a lot with the kids in other ways? Like taking them to the park/library? But I suspect he’s doing neither of these things.

Why isn’t he taking more of an interest in taking the kids out?

And I don’t think YABU to stay in considering you have your own garden where he can go out in and get fresh air. Also there’s the issue of him refusing to come back in when you take him out that needs to be tackled and nipped in the bud. You shouldn’t have to bribe him.

Exactly. Leave him to cry, he will soon learn and give up

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead.

Does he think the garden is inside?

He needs to learn he can’t always have it his way - as all kids do. Ignore him.

What the child is wanting is hardly unreasonable.
He has two parents, and an expectation that he goes out on Saturdays.
But let's make him suffer to pander to a man who can't step up

I’m probably far too gentle parenting not to get even alive for this, but who cares.

id start with empathy, acknowledge his feelings, name them and tell him you can see he is feeling sad because he wants to go out but you aren’t doing that today.

I’d then ask him what it is he likes about going outside, spend a few minutes thinking about what it is and getting him to talk about it.

Id then offer a distraction, put some time and attention in and use some humour to break the stalemate and move to a different activity.

Little children have very little control of their lives and few ways to communicate. As parents our job isn’t to give in, but to listen, empathise and redirect.

If he is struggling with behaviour at home and not at preschool then it could be inconsistency at home or he’s learnt that if he pushes you hard enough he gets his way. That’s not necessarily naughtiness, it’s that he has been taught that a parent no doesn’t mean no, it means yes but you need to do x and y first.

Being consistent, giving child-led attention, listening and using empathy can really help to move through these periods.

I am absolutely baffled by people who don’t go out when it’s cold, but both of you sound a bit useless tbh

If you keep giving in to a kid of that age you’re at risk of creating your own monster. Let him cry. No means no.

Nope you’re are not unreasonable to not want to go out in the cold, a 4 year old is not unreasonable to want to go out and enjoy the outside. Your husband is a selfish, self centred prat who needs to try parenting.

An hour at the park will probably improve the rest of your Saturday immensely.

Op I suggest that you are a lot more assertive with your dh. I know this takes more energy you don’t have, but your dh doesn’t get to opt out of looking after his son simply because he doesn’t like the cold! That option ended as soon as he became a father.

Of course you need more support. What is stopping you saying to your dh, “I have taken him out all of these times recently, I am very tired today, so now it’s your turn to step up.”

Don’t ask just say it.

Leaving aside the issue of your husband never taking him out, yes I would take him out today for a bit. And if he didn’t want to come in when it was time, I’d pick him up - I wouldn’t negotiate or bribe.

Send him out with your husband.

I prefer to do it with friends or school mums who have children of similar ages.

Also, my husband doesn’t enjoy being in crowded spaces or among many people, and I’ll always respect that.

You don't have to go outside if you want to. You've given them the option of playing in the garden and I think that's enough.

It does seem odd you're worried that you won't be able to get them home again. It's normal for children to complain when it's time to go home but you seem worried that he'll run off and you'll lose control, which is not good.

Your husband doesn't like cold weather! For fuck sake. There are lots of things about parenting that are a pain and he needs a kick up the arse. You've basically got 3 kids. Also, you shouldn't have set the precedent of taking your boys out every Saturday. You've got a garden and kids should learn to entertain themselves and use their own imaginations. It's actually good for them. Sorry OP, but you've rather set yourself up for this scenario.

Forgot to ask; can you give more context generally please; is your dh hands on and supportive in other ways? Does he normally do his fair share of childcare? What is the issue here?

I'm baffled by people who want to go out in the cold *shrugs

Same. You can’t be dictated to by a 4 year old.

A walk in a park, feeding ducks, collecting sticks, would all interest a 4 year old and would not involve crowds of people. What things does your dh do with the dc to make up for the things he can't do? Or is it just the mum who does things with them?
I'm assuming the dh has mental heath issues or is ND. Fair chance the crying 4 year old will have too then.