To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

You’re the adult, you don’t want to go out and you have said no. End of. 4 year old is crying at the door, just leave him to it, he will soon enough get bored and move on. He is hardly going to stand there crying all day.

When I am being firm on something I always say to me daughter “I’m not changing my mind and she soon cottons on.

your husband on the other hand sounds completely useless . I think that’s the bigger issue here!

Op, just a reminder of the power of role play. I practice in a playful way tricky situations with the kids at around 3/4/5 years old - so practice (inside) what it will be like going into the house when we don't want to. It is really helpful for kids and let's them practice the skills they will use later. It could be saying goodbye to outside, doing the biggest jump they can back into the house etc. Depending on how much outdoors time your son gets in nursery, he may really be looking to bank it with you. Outdoors in any weather is so vital for little kids, and so many nurseries really restrict. Finally a reminder that many adults prefer to sleep in beds with other adults, two year olds are tiny,, it is completely biologically normal for them to cosleep until they are much older, so don't pressure yourself on that if you are happy with current situation. I think there is incredible pressure on parents to make their kids sleep independently (way before kids are ready to do so)

Get a trampoline. He’ll never be off it. Nothing ever got used as much as our trampoline. All ages, all weather.

Normally, I would have given in to him

Think I've spotted your problem.

I think he wants to go "out out" 🤪

Yes I was going to say the same. Nip ' giving into him' in the bud. Or he will push and push.

When mine moan if we're home I remind them I've not known anyone to die of boredom yet. I also remind them they're lucky to go places in general as there's plenty of kids who don't. Who stay in all the time whether that be due to finances or lazy parents.

We're out majority of days but sometimes it's nice to stay home . They can choose whether to play toys , games , go in the garden or spend time on tech

Well. It's more that you have set up an expectation for your child, and then bailed on it, and leaving your kid to scream about it. Failed to set boundaries or say No, and then ended up in a dilemma where the kid is a throwing a fit (which you should not give in to), but he's throwing a fit for something which would be in his (and everybody's) best interests. 😵‍💫

If I were in your shoes, I'd have told him there's no way we are going anywhere while he's making that racket, then once he calmed down I'd have taken him out for a walk in the fresh air for half an hour. And since he's a flight risk and it's a safety concern, I wouldn't be doing it on my own, either. Oh no. The wet rag I call husband would have had to go as well. AND the brother. The whole bleddy lot of us, touching grass, mostly hating it, and grumpy because we are unable to stop it improving our health out of sheer bloody-mindedness.

I usually say the parent should be in charge, but your four year old seems to have a better handle on what's good for him and more of a spine than either of you, so I'm wavering 😂

This, lol^

A fair amount of adult selfishness is fine when it’s just the two of you.

However when you have kids, you have to put their best interests first. Having kids means doing stuff you don’t want to do/might be boring/may make you feel uncomfortable (for a while) because it’s in the best interests of your kids.

In this case, going out once a day is clearly in your son’s best interest and that means your DH needs to get off his backside and step up.

Stop negotiating with him or asking him for what he wants to do or offering things to do. That'll not work.
Give him a job to do. Tell him to do it. If he won't stop crying give him a job in the garden. It can be anything like count the snails, sweep leaves, rake gravel, feed birds, refill bird water. Build bug house, make bird feed balls, leaf rubbing, twig people, fir cone farm. Something he can do alone.
Btw your husband is a selfish twat

You have said you like to be gentle with them but being gentle and lifting him into the house or car seat doesn’t mean not being gentle. If they are fighting/wriggling with you then you still carry on. You are not being rough with him but he needs to learn that he needs to come into the house/get in his car seat when asked. I’ve had to do this with my kids before, it’s a gentle lift saying we need to go inside/get in the car. It far preferable (and less embarrassing) to him standing screaming in a car park, surely. If they say ‘mummy you’re hurting me’ (as they are inclined to do to get you to stop), you simply and calmly say ‘I’m not, if it’s hurting you (which it probably isn’t) it is because you are fighting against me. It gets better when they realise you won’t give in and they need to do what you say.

Consequence wise it’s often hard because they don’t link actions and consequences that are too far apart. The ideal one is ‘if you don’t come in when we get home then we can’t go out next week’ but often that’s too far away for them to see an issue and they won’t like it to previous behaviour when you say we aren’t going because last week etc.

I set my expectations before we leave so ‘when mummy/daddy say it’s time to go, then it’s time to go; if you don’t listen then we won’t be meeting your friends at the park again.’ DS has AuDHD so sudden transitions are hard for him (and lots of small children) so we do a 5 minute warning - we’re leaving in 5 minutes or you can have 2 more gos on the slide then we have to leave. As DS has gotten older he has got better and will finish up what’s he doing when we give him a time check on leaving and come and say ‘ok, I’m ready to go’

Essentially, four years olds can be stubborn (I have one too) but you need to hold firm and they will get over it. I leave DD to get on with her tantrums if I know she genuinely not hurt.

Hi @inthecornersofmymind when my DD was about the same age she used to be an angel at school and when she got home all hell broke loose. When she got a bit older, I asked her if her behaviour at home was because she was exhausted from being "good" all day at school. She agreed it probably was.

Anyway she was diagnosed as an adult with autism so I now think she was masking at school and at home was just spent so we all got it in the neck.

I'm not implying that your DS is on the spectrum but he may just be exhausted from being well behaved at school and then when he's home, where he knows he is loved, he can let it all go and express how he is feeling. Hopefully this might be a useful angle for you to explore.

Why can't you just take him out for a walk? Children should spend at least 3 hours outside a day. But this is just not doable most of the time. Whilst you're off, take him out.

When it's time to come in, pick him up and bring him in. You can't avoid doing things just because you know he will kick off, deal with the behaviour rather than avoiding it.

And they love sticks and peeing up trees

Bit odd to admit your husband has checked out despite you showing "Nothing but love and support" (i.e. pandering to him by never asking him to do anything he should be doing) on one thread and stick up for him on this one. I suspect this will all be largely irrelevant when he has to do everything on his custody days. Although maybe they'll make him uncomfortable too?

I have never denied that I am experiencing issues in my marriage.

Yes, this is definitely my son. I frequently need to tell him that bushes should not be used for peeing unless it's an emergency.

I believe this applies to our son as well, since he clearly understands how to behave appropriately, demonstrating nothing but good behavior while he's there.

I would try to discuss it with him, but at only 4 years old, I don't believe he has that level of understanding yet.

Absolutely this!!! I've spent hours of my life stood on freezing cold sidelines watching my DS play football from age 7 right through to 16 (I dont like football) I've driven my DD to a Uni open day 2 hours away with the worst period pains & back pain of my life. Why do some men get to decide what they don't like the sound of as a parent?? 🙄🙄🙄 he needs to pull his finger out and get involved with family life. Wrap up warm & take his DS outside for an hour - it won't kill him!

Wait, you do this every Saturday and your husband doesn’t come or take turns. How odd. Dads should also spend time talking their kids to the park or wherever. Us mums don’t have to do everything. Don’t feel guilty you want to chill. Get Dad out there.

I've mentioned before that I don't need my husband to join us on day trips; I enjoy going with friends or school mums instead. I'm confused about why you’ve asked if we take turns.

A lot of things people have said on this thread has confused you.

Because it's not just about you, the children benefit from having an engaged father.

I find it hard to believe that not taking the kids out on weekends shows a lack of engagement when he's here every day.

We live as a family, and I haven't once claimed that he is failing to interact with our children.