To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

I followed the suggestions shared in this thread to encourage our 4-year-old to come inside when he resists.

Both boys attended their tennis lesson this evening. As usual, once outside the house, he hesitated to come inside, despite having told me in the car on the way home that he was sleepy and wanted his bath, a story, and then to go to sleep.

Without speaking or negotiating, I just grabbed his hand and brought him inside the house.

He was a little frustrated with me about a pair pyjamas that he said he wanted to wear; even though he changed his mind, it somehow ended up being my fault.

He has been sleeping alone in his bed for the last few nights. However, tonight he refused to even get into bed.

I’m not sure whether his behavior stemmed from being overtired or feeling frustrated about the pyjamas.

I asked my husband if he could settle him since he listens to him, but he replied that he 'can’t deal with that tonight and that he is tired' and told me to just put him in with our 10-year-old.

I'll give it another attempt tomorrow evening. While I know my husband may be tired, I doubt he realises that he could have effortlessly fixed the problem.

Fair enough. The OP did say that she was working on her son’s behavior though. I was addressing that.

A lot of work needs to be done by both parents asap. I hope that they are up for it.

Hey there!

I haven't posted anything here until now, and my husband would not go against any decisions about our children wanting a toy.

Of course your husband realises he could have fixed the problem, he just didn’t want to do it. And he knows he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do, because he never has to.
The problem I see here is that you are struggling to be able to deal with your son yourself and are often resorting to other people intervening (your 10 year old putting him in the car and also now sleeping in with him to get him to settle, for example). The problem is, it’s unfair to rely on your 10 year old and your husband has made it clear you can’t rely on him. So you’ve got to get a handle on it yourself.

Isn’t this your thread OP?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5472085-the-final-straw?page=2&reply=149723328

Why do you think it's necessary to ask such a question? Yes, I was the one who wrote and posted that and you know that.

The lady mentioned that she believes she remembers me from previous threads, even though I haven't posted anything until recently.

Because you said you haven’t posted anything ‘until now’. I assumed you meant until this thread, and I was confused because I knew I’d read one of your threads before. The one I linked to is a ‘previous thread’.

She might mean previous threads that are also recent, ie several weeks ago.

The behaviour of your 4YO sounds exactly like my 4YO tonight, although I will say that mine is ND. I think mine is struggling with getting back into routine after Christmas and exhausted from school. Have a look at 'restraint collapse'. But as you know, the lack of support from your husband is the issue here. You mentioned on your previous thread that he refused couples therapy, I think I would be at the point of issuing ultimatums that I follow through with and asking him how he will cope when I am not there to step in.

Apologies, your writing style felt very familiar, and your family set up very similar to the other poster.

Your husband really has a great life doesn’t he? All he needs to do is tell you he’s tired or doesn’t like something and you just do it all for him 🙄

I don't agree with how the OP has been on this thread, as she has been rude and combative. However, I think it is ridiculous to say that the child had to be taken out, it was one day. Kids need to sometimes suck it up and realise it isn't all about them. Far more concerning is the husband's behaviour in general.

@inthecornersofmymind

This poster makes a very good point, OP… he got to opt out of bed time, why didn’t you get to?

Offering lots of alternative options won’t work. You need to start on one of the activities and let him see that it’s fun. It may take some effort, but if you win him over it’s win win!

Take the child out or get husband to do it parenting is about doing things for your children

What happens when you’re tired too - if you snap ‘I’m asking you because I can’t deal with it, obviously!! Why do you get to opt out of parenting whenever you feel like it but I don’t get that?? Sometimes you need to parent whether or not you feel like it, I do that all the time and need you to sometimes too. Now put him your child to bed please while you think about that.’

Cope with what?

The basics of parenting on their days as a single parent. Bedtimes, taking them out if the house on weekends etc. The things they claim they cannot cope with/will not do now.

Sounds like you’re from the Middle East and your husband isn’t used to raising children

It certainly doesn't seem like I/We are Middle Eastern, as we aren't, and I'm unsure what relevance that has to the situation. Also, you shouldn't generalise people based on stereotypes.

You won’t get an answer - lots of people have asked OP what would happen if they both refused or if he refused to do something essential.

Well, it would have a cultural relevance. As I’m sure you are aware, in some cultures child rearing is considered the role of the woman, and it certainly comes across from your posts that your husband shares that view.

My husband has never stated that he cannot handle the issues you brought up.

I'm perfectly okay with taking our boys out on the weekend; I don't require his help or support. If he doesn't want to join us for outings, that's entirely up to him.

I won't encourage him to come with us because I'm aware it will just put him in an uncomfortable position.

He doesn't need to be there with us; it would be a different situation if I wanted him to join, but I don't.

The boys never ask why he isn't coming or suggest that he join us.

How bloody depressing. Your poor kids.

I was responding to your update that stated your husband stated he could not help with bedtime and responsibility should be passed to your 10 YO child. I think that's worse actually, choosing to neglect a child and pass on parental responsibiliy to a child.

So to update, you are happy with solo parenting in this respect? I think then you need to suck it up and get on with it, each and every day. FWIW I think this is an unhealthy dynamic that you are modelling to your children. And I think both parents deciding they cannot be bothered to look after their child and expecting their 10YO to do so is abusive. Clearly your priority is your unhealthy marriage, at whatever cost to the kids. I would advise contacting early help.