Parents want to take grandchildren away

[Olive72]

My parents live abroad for several months a year. We visit them every summer and they are back in UK a lot too. We are close as a family and they are very involved with my DC. This included 5 days a week 8-4 free childcare before DC started school and drop off and picks ups every day since. They didn’t start living abroad until youngest started school and always come back if we need them to have the kids.
We are planning to go over again in the summer and they have asked if they can fly home and pick up the kids 2 weeks before that and have them until we get there. I have said No but feel I may be being unreasonable. Opinions would be very much welcomed

It sounds like you trust your parents with the kids. I know you will miss the kids, but its a great experience for them. I know teaching work doesn't completely stop in the summer, but is there any reason you couldn't go for that whole time too? Give yourself a proper break or do some prep work out there?

You genuinely can’t say you’re great grandparents. For all you know your DIL loathes how involved you are but your ds is coercively controlling her into letting you have them for so long.

You are far far far more involved than most gps - but it still doesn’t seem to be enough for you. Maybe reflect on why that is? They have parents already.

It would be a no from me.

My PIL have a holiday home in the country FIL is from. They have taken SILs children regularly from when they were babies, but both dh and I said no thank you when they asked if we would like the same.

Neither of us would want to be so far from the children (we have both taken them away separately, but they have always been with one of us. Dh has taken them there for a week before I flew out, but he was with them so it was absolutely fine with me).

Thank you for this. Great feedback and helps me understand more. Yes a 4 hour flight is a long way if something were to happen. Sounds like you had great grandparents for your LO

OK - they obviously disagree. Why aren’t you simply saying ‘OK fair enough I understand’ and leaving it at that. Why have you posted (a reverse as well) on MN asking if their decision is reasonable?

What is it that you don't understand about parents wanting to spend all their kid's school holidays with their kids?

It's not a new phenonium is it?

I do understand this but it was DIL who wanted us to have kids once she went back to work. And to be honest it has been the biggest privilege ever. We definitely aren’t overbearing or wanting too much. We genuinely just wanted to give them a break and give DGC an extended holiday

Yes, this is where the wonderful grandparent halo is slipping.

To not simply understand that these parents want to spend the whole of the school holidays with their own kids, unmasks the OP as a somewhat overbearing grandmother and MIL.

This is where you are going wrong.

I was having this conversation with my friends just this morning. The difference between grandparents that tell us what would be helpful for them to do for us and missing the mark and those that ask how they can be helpful.

Would you DS and DIL want 2 weeks together without the kids? Or would they spend most of that time going, the kids would have loved to do this too. We will have to come back here again.

We have 2 sets of very hands on grandparents as well as aunts and uncles and of things they could do that is helpful taking the kids for 2 weeks is pretty low down on my list. We do absolutely love having time just the two of us and call in help to get that but your suggestion wouldn't be what we would want /need.

I do understand this. Just thought it would give them a break and DGC would have an extended holiday. But seeing it in black and white helps to understand it more if that makes sense

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear

You offered them a break.

They said they didn't want it.

The end.

If you offered them egg and chips for dinner and they said they'd prefer sausages, would you start a thread about that too, to 'help you understand'?

I think it should be down to the kids, what do they want to do - if they'd enjoy and get a lot of benefit out of two weeks with active, involved Grandparents, then Mum needs to suck it up and let them go.

First she pretended to be the children’s parent. Then she said some weird PIL scenario with a step child and now she’s admitted to being one of the grandparents.

Sorry you wasted your time responding. I’ve reported the OP.

No she doesn't.

They are her kids, not the OP's.

And you can guarantee after all the lies the OP has told, she won't be telling us the real reasons given by the kid's parents.

OP, we looked after our grandchildren for some of the time before they went to school and now look after them in the school holidays. Yes it is an honour and privilege to look after them. We try to take them out and have fun days. They tell us they enjoy things but I am not their parent. I do know that whatever fun thing they have done with us they would rather do it with their parents and I also know that their parents would rather be taking their children out in the holidays than having to work.
Your DIL is a teacher and she will have the time to look after her children in the holidays. She is entitled to enjoy them. You had your turn with your own children. Your DIL would worry about her children being so far away and what if they got ill. Cypress can be extremely hot in the summer. It is near the Middle East. If I was your DIL I would be worried about that and not being there to make sure they don’t get too much sun. At 6 your grandchild is very young.

No matter how close your relationship is with your grandchildren, 6-year-olds generally want their mothers, and would struggle to be away from them for that sort of prolonged period. Even my 12yo would find 2 weeks away from me a bit tough. It doesn't reflect on you, or how well you would care for them.

Go back to them with a clean slate and say we would like to spend time with you over the summer - as a family as well as just the kids. We love spending time with them and it would give you the chance to have some time together. Have a think about what you want to do over the summer and we can have a chat about what we can arrange another time.

These things generally go better when it's a conversation rather than I want to do X and the other person says No and you are stuck with where to go from there. Things like are really several conversations, approach them openly, non judgmentally and without assumptions and see where you get.

Alternatively OP could look forward to the fact that they’ll all be there together for two weeks in the summer (in addition to pretty much every school day between now and then and a few random weekends), not discuss/debate/converse about the matter any further. And perhaps look to fill the void in her life some other way - because in a few years time her gcs will be teenagers, won’t need picking up from school and will probably want to be doing other things than regularly seeing them.

I'm my DD's childcare. I've done overnights with the eldest from six weeks old. The youngest from around 18 months. I take the youngest on holiday, my DD has long weekends away etc. My DD was a Maid of honour abroad and booked to go for two weeks. The children were six and eight. It was too long for my DD. She recently did nine days and that was ok. I'd start off suggesting five days.

I'd start off suggesting five days.

No. Means. No.

Would your DIL be happy with a week? My DP have taken my kids (5 and 7) for a week before, but two weeks would be too long for me except in an emergency. The only time they've done longer is when DC2 was in hospital for a major operation and they took DC1. If I were you I would ask if a shorter time would work better for her/them.

you sound so entitled, do you realise lots of parents have no help whatsoever?
maybe grandparents would just like to enjoy happy times with their grandchildren, not specific duties graciously delegated to them.
they aren’t your staff, and you are very unaware of your privilege

So you used them for free childcare when it suited you but now they actually want time with their grandchildren on their terms it’s a no. I’d bite their hand off. I used to spend my summers with my grandparents in Europe and loved it.

I do, I had absolutely no help for the first 4 years of my daughters life. One it was covid, two my fil was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer when she was 4 months old and nearly died from a pulmonary embolism during chemotherapy she was 18 months before he was well enough to visit us. Three my mother was providing full time care for 3 of my grandparents until she fell down the stairs and fractured her back in two places and I spent all of my non working days at her house caring for her. This as it happens was where I learnt the benefit of asking what would be useful. I had offered to clean her kitchen and she said it's ok my dad could do that but would I mind doing her washing and ironing for her as she didn't know how to teach my dad to iron. So that's what I did every week, ironing isn't important to me nor my dad but it is my mum and having iron pressed clothes makes my mum feel better.

I've just had my second and my mum is well enough to return the favour and yes when she comes to me she asks what she can do. She was watering the plants for us thinking it was helpful but some of the plants were being over watered and were getting sick. So we asked her to stop. One day she visited just after I had been shopping. My 4 month old was asleep and had been fussy I hadn't been able to put the shopping away had been stuck on the sofa and desperately needed a wee. My mum came in, offered to put the shopping away. I told her actually what would be more useful would for her to sit down, have some grandma cuddles so I could wee and have some time not attached to the baby. I put the shopping away and then unloaded and loaded the dishwasher whilst she had a cup of tea and baby cuddles.

My sister offered to baby sit one night so we could go out for our anniversary. We said we are too knackered by the evening but would she mind babysitting during the day so we could go out for lunch. My parents offered to help us in the run up to Christmas, they offered to help us clean, we said could you play with the 5 year old whilst we cleaned.

In 5 years we have had 3 meals out where we have had a parent baby sitting! Had all child care covered by nursery, breakfast club, after school club or ourselves. Except for the 12 weeks where our nursery closed with 20 minutes notice after baby died there when we had 3h of child care from my mother, one afternoon from my sister and one week from my mother in law.