DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

Try again. I’ve been cheated on. That doesn’t mean every single opposite sex friendship is inappropriate. I have male friends too and I wouldn’t appreciate any partner dictating how I conducted those friendships. In fact my partner and I are both bi, so should we just have no friends at all?

Her being female is irrelevant to some degree. He shouldn’t pick someone who’s being the subject of an issue in your relationship. Would maybe have more of a dilemma if she’s being his best friend since 5 but no, he shouldn’t be picking her.

Yes you do have a good point.

But OP has stated with him, had a baby by him and is now getting married - perhaps suggesting that she does trust him and it’s more her own insecurities.

I didn't say no one should have opposite sex friends but I don't think anyone should come before a spouse. I also wouldn't describe having an almost 20yr relationship/marriage ripped apart when there are teenage children involved, not to mention the devastation divorce brings as merely being "cheated on". My lesson was learnt when I trusted my ex was just friends with this vile woman, I soon realised what mug I had been when he ended up engaged to her

Look it doesn’t matter how many of us think it’s fine or not - we’re not you. YOU find it uncomfortable - that’s all that matters. You need to question why you don’t trust him tho.

The fact you had “a best women” is irrelevant.

The post is about the OP’s situation. The AIBU is not about every potential “best woman”. Of course there are situations where this is entirely appropriate— eg one example above about a sister or an old friend. OP, feeling vulnerable and with a new baby having had some concerns about this friendship in the past, doesn’t want this friend playing a big role in her wedding. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to object.

But the OP isn’t whether the friendship is inappropriate. It’s whether it’s appropriate for the friend to play a big role in the wedding in the face of the OP’s objections and feelings about it.

OP’s objections are entirely based on her own issues though rather than anything the woman or her fiancé have done, so in my opinion they can be completely disregarded. Jealousy shouldn’t be pandered to or encouraged. If she can’t accept this then it’s on her to decide if getting married to this man is the right thing to do.

If you don't trust him you shouldn't be marrying him. If you do trust him then it doesn't matter how female or how hot she is.

This

As devastating as I’m sure that was, it was one situation involving those specific people. You can’t reasonably extrapolate meaning from that and apply it to every other opposite sex friendship, or expect any future partners of yours (if you have or want one) to curtail their friendships because of a past experience of yours that is nothing to do with them. I disagree that the spouse should always come first. My partner is just one of several important people in my life, including friends, and if I thought his feelings or demands unreasonable or not worth validating on occasion then I wouldn’t give in to them.

I find it a bit odd there are no long time/childhood friends he would ask first but ignoring the gender aspect for a moment. Who would YOU have thought his best man choice would have been? Does it make sense to be her? Surely, you would have an incline who he would most likely pick to be his best man.
However, if you are uncomfortable, there are many options. Do without best man/MOH altogether and just do grooms(wo)men/bridesmaids. You could also invite her as one of your bridesmaids. She'd still be a close part of the wedding (if she is such an important person to your partner) and you'll get to know her a bit better or invite her as a guest only.

You're being deliberately awkward or lacking some social awareness. Even if it wouldn't bother you, you should get why it might bother someone else...

I'm sure there's nothing untoward going on but I wouldn't like it either OP

The novelty is that she’s unknown to all the other guests and not known by the bride or their child.

I am remarried, fortunately our views are well aligned. He had a similar experience to me but in no way do we control eachother, he spends much of his working day alone with other women (hes an adi for context) and I trust him 100%. I suppose what I am saying is we all have a right to say what is an isn't ok for us. What the other person chooses to do with that is up to them. We all have different views and ways of thinking, I would never presume to tell anyone that if they are not cautious in anyway they don't care about their relationship in the same way I would never call someone in OPs position jealous and insecure. I cherish my relationship as I am sure you do yours.

You can be secure as you like. Fact is some people DO cheat, reading this thread it would seem that the cheating concept is alien to most, well 49% anyway.

Why would you get married then if you thought your partner was going to cheat...

You can't live your life always assuming the worst, that's no way to live.

Because she's the cool wife!!😂

People dont get married thinking their partner is going cheat obviously. But there's no denying it happens. And with this knowledge of 'human behaviour' 1its only natural to sometimes feel insecure about a relationship.

Of course, we are all entitled to our views and you need to be aligned on these things in a relationship. But I’m also entitled to think the OP is being jealous and insecure.

But by her own admission OP would be doing exactly that. She clearly thinks her partner and this women can't possibly just be friends so why would she marry him.

Im not sure if she does think her partner will cheat? I thought it was more about how she feels insecure about the wedding situ and that she thinks its inappropriate.

Yanbu, this is your wedding day. You don’t want to ever look back or know that it wasn’t the best day you could have had. This is a fairly new friend as well. Would look odd to everyone else as well. Just a no.

He wants to marry you with a woman who makes you feel uncomfortable next to him? No. That would be bonkers.