DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

You think I'm AI? That's daft.

Your arguments are illogical. As someone who had a best women at her own wedding no one gave a shit because it's really not that noteworthy.

The reason the groom normally has a Best Man and not a Best Woman, is because the Bride is supposed to be the most important and special woman to the Groom. If that's not even the case on the wedding day, it doesn't say much for the rest of the marriage.

There’s some very insecure women on here.

Set your boundaries now. If he can’t put his future wife’s feelings ahead of his / hers now, you don’t marry him.

Yes, but i’d hope my spouse would accommodate my feelings slightly on my wedding day. If it was a genuine lifelong friendship and perhaps not a crush situation i’d be more amenable.

I’ve run out of points and yet you are telling me to grow up 😂I had forgotten what an unbelievably aggressive place this is.

I dont think the DP is reasonable for wanting this woman as his best man, given OP’s discomfort about, and distance from, the friendship. I hope that’s clear? And I don’t feel on her wedding day she should be forced to tolerate it.

That’s fine as long as you can have a man of honour and some bridesmen?

This sounds like a line from a controlling spouse handbook.

If you won't do as I tell you and put me and my feelings above your own then you're in the wrong...

why do you have to know her? sounds controlling to me.

You are jealous, you need to work on that before you marry him and start trying to stop him seeing his friend who happens to be a woman.

FWIW: my DHs bestie is a woman, they meet up for dinner, go to gigs, etc etc. I am not jealous anyway generally because that's not me, but even if i was - what does it harm anyone? and if he is having an affair, or wants to sleep with her me being jealous won't stop him. So. I behave like a grown-up and so does he.

Anyone who says “cool girl” and expects to be taken seriously needs to grow up, yes.

Ok, thanks for clarifying. I disagree. The OP is the unreasonable one here because her discomfort with the friendship is entirely based in her own insecurities. Not all feelings are valid, and ones that stem from jealousy certainly aren’t. We don’t know that her distance from the friendship isn’t of her own making because she has an irrational dislike of this woman. But if she can’t accept her partner’s friendships she shouldn’t be marrying him (and I think he could do better than someone with such low self esteem and internalised misogyny).

So he wants the person he's closest to standing up to support him to be a woman he's only known 3 years and that you've argued over and that he knows you are uncomfortable with.

This day is about both of you and his choice seems to be a bit of a dig at you, making you feel insecure and uncomfortable at your own wedding, while including this woman at one of the most important days of his life.

I've never been to a wedding where the best man, who could be a woman, hasn't been a close relative or friend of many years and it's usually someone who knows the spouse because they're all friends.

It shouldn't be someone who's been the cause of dissension between the couple. It shouldn't be someone you're uncomfortable with on your wedding day. I think that will always rankle.

If I felt like you do, I wouldn't marry him. It doesn't matter why you're uncomfortable, but you feel threatened by their relationship. Whether it's your own insecurities or something you're picking up on, you shouldn't be doing something you're ambivalent about. You're all in, or you're out. Don't stand at the altar resentful of the man you're marrying's relationship with another woman to the point you two have fought over it.

Has anyone been in a relationship where their boyfriend was jealous and controlling and wore you down so much that you ended your friendships? I have and this sounds no different.

We also had arguments about those friendships and those arguments were about the existence of the friendships, not anything I or they had done.

Did I really do the right thing in ending those friendships? Did I fuck. The right thing would have been to leave that dickhead earlier.

I think you are in the wrong here. So what if she's a woman? She's his friend and whk has chosen to be his best person on his wedding day. Your insecurities about her being attractive shoukd be put aside.

I'm sorry you found yourself in this type of relationship but you're completely right the parallels are very similar.

Yes, I have, and it sounds exactly the same! The argument always started with them claiming they were insecure or found it disrespectful for me to talk to or hang out with men (in this case, my work colleagues). I told him to fuck off and dumped him.

If it’s caused arguments in the past then he is being insensitive. Having said that we’re the arguments more about your own insecurities? In this position I’d be making an effort to get to know her and inviting her over for dinner, and meeting her for coffees. To be fair I’d have done that when he was doing his post grad, just to see what her general vibe was. Only you know how much you actually trust him though.

Not everyone has close relatives or keeps the same friends from childhood.

Thank you. My mum was in the same situation with my step dad and that wasn't just friendships with men, that was ALL her friendships. Now I just would not tolerate the slightest hint of irrational jealousy like that, it only has one outcome.

Unless there are indications of something inappropriate that the OP has left out, which would be strange as it would be relevant - then there's no difference. She's trying to control her partner's friendships based on her own jealousy.

I think another question is OP, if he had a male best man he’d only known 3-4 years would that bother you?

That is fair enough, I am fortunate that dh and I share the same values, neither of us feels controlled by the other. I trust him which is just as well as he spends a lot of time due to his work with other women 1 to 1.

Perhaps OP needs to rethink if this relationship is a good match although I am never in the LTB club on mumsnet as that's too easy to say when it's not your relationship and your future at stake

I don’t think I attacked you did I?

The point is that if you have something of value to say, you should be able to express that without trying to silence other women with well worn strategies.

The cool girl trope comes out every time someone does not want to control or limit their romantic partner’s contact or relationships with other women. It’s ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that perspective and it’s incredibly healthy. A person can feel however they want but they shouldn’t make their feelings the responsibility of someone else.

one of them sounds selfish and immature but it isn't the prospective groom.

But OP - honestly, if you don't trust him, don't marry him.

You shouldn't marry a man you don't trust.

Persinally, I think you are being ridiculously immature & insecure.

This is a great point

I also think there must be many women on here who have never had their lives / family ripped apart by their dhs friendship with another woman. It's easy to call women insecure and jealous if you have never had to face that reality