DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

The expression ‘cool girl’ is a bit like the word ‘nag’ or ‘Karen’ being used to silence and demean women.

Anyone who uses it needs to reflect on why they feel the need to insult someone who is making a perfectly valid point, in order to silence them.

Exactly. It's used as a daft insult and identifies the user as someone who hasn't got a coherent argument.

This women's hasn't caused any divide or arguments in the relationship, she is just a convenient target for the OPs insecurity.

The fact the OP has posted and run suggests she's not actually looking for opinions she just wanted to start a divisive thread.

i’m insecure as fuck about my looks, have been since a teen. To be totally honest I would’ve hated if my DH did this to me, especially if reality or in my mind she was more attractive than me. I would worry and find it weird having the whole room watch and laugh at the speech this attractive ‘friend’ gives while he sits next to his uglier bride (or that you are ugly or less attractive than her), like what would they all be thinking (certainly most of the other men present). I would hate that and it would spoil my wedding, in fact I would change what i wanted and run away and elope or something just to avoid this. But like i said, I am insecure as fuck. I just could not smile and play cool girl on the day of my wedding, the one day when women are supposed be their happiest. If my DH wasn’t close enough to any guy (and this almost happened) I’d just not have a best man or change the set up. I’ve seen best men be their dad before as well.

If my DH had a super close woman friend that was stunningly attractive I doubt i could’ve ever got to the point of marrying 😬 Like i said im insecure as fuck, and would me miserable.

There's no indication of anything inappropriate and you know it's your own insecurities and not her, him or a thing specific about their friendship that crosses any lines so yes, I think YABU.

In your opinion maybe, it certainly isn’t in mine.

It’s the suggestion that women should accept frankly unacceptable behaviour from men in the name of not being paranoid or hysterical.

so maybe you can reflect on that before attacking me. I’d never dream of using those other terms.

Pity you chose to have a baby with him.
Don't compound the mistake by marrying him.
I'm sorry if that is harsh.

The "frankly unacceptable behaviour" is thinking you can police your partner's friendships.

I don't consider "cool girl" as an insult because when I see it I'm just like... OK then? Yes it is cool having a relationship in which the lack of jealousy, territorialism, paranoia and suspicion makes me feel relaxed and chilled out - I recommend it to anyone.

OP says above they had arguments about her in the relationship, which was one of the reasons suggested for not tolerating it.

The use of a shorthand term cannot of itself “identify the user as someone who hasn’t got a coherent argument”, even if you disagree with it! Don’t be so pompous.

You’d be fine with it, good for you. I wouldn’t be!

The thread isn’t about policing the friendship though — it’s about should she be the best man, which is upsetting the OP. OP hasn’t asked him to end the friendship, but she is very uncomfortable with her being the best man.

Yes, it does say a lot about him - that he values his friendships and his autonomy. Good qualities to have. Throwing a jealous tantrum when you encounter a woman whose only crime is to be prettier and more intelligent than you however… I’m surprised he didn’t dump OP as soon as she pulled that nonsense during his masters. Ah well, there’s still time if she carries on like this

No thank you.. YANBU. It’s your wedding day. It’s his too. Neither of you should feel uncomfortable about anything. He needs to listen to how you feel.

I wouldn’t even want her at the wedding never mind being the best ‘wo’man.

If she had anything about her as a fellow woman she would tell him herself that it’s unfair on you, on your wedding day.

Do you have a male friend who could be your Man of Honour? I think this might change DH viewpoint.

Of course it's about policing his friendships. She doesn't like the women being his friend because she's pretty, smart and he has stuff in common with him. That's the reason she had arguments with him about this women. The women and husband have done nothing wrong.

The OP does not like that he socialises with the women or messages her. A man saying those things about his wife's friend would be called controlling so it seems fitting to use the same term for the OP.

Why? Neither of them have done anything wrong.

I completely agree!!

I hate that when women are not insecure, jealous, controlling or woman-haters, we are slated for it.

The term ‘cool girl’ is used to try and silence other women who make them recognise how unhealthy their own relationships are.

You do realise though that this is all entirely your problem and not something you can reasonably expect anyone - including your spouse - to pander to?

On the one hand despite having this very close friend he is choosing to marry you. Surely if there was anything more in this they have had ample opportunity to be together but he clearly hasn't chosen her.

That said, I would not be comfortable if my dh had a close relationship with another female, I certainly could not tolerate him meeting up with her and socialising on a regular basis. It just feels disrespectful somehow and I know he wouldn't like it if it was the other way around either. That is possibly down to past experiences as we both know how quickly things can go wrong.

Not really sure what to suggest you do but I don't think you should be blaming your insecurities on how you feel. Your feelings regarding this friendship and her being his best man are perfectly valid.

but there is an essential disconnect there. I can't say whether either is wrong but I can imagine the OP continually having problems with her interpretation of her fiance's behaviour and choices. She may be right, it may be her own insecurities but that kind of disconnect is not the basis for a happy and stable marriage.

OP, I haven’t seen anyone else mention this but you have a 3 month old baby, assuming this is your first child, your mind and body have been through a huge upheaval. Is that what is causing at least some of this insecurity?

I don’t think a female best man is a problem per se, what I find strange about this situation is that you don’t know this woman very well.

Why hasn’t your DP included you in their catch ups? Does he invite her to your home? Does she have a partner?
If he’d met when they were both young children it would feel different, as PPs have said.

Also, working class people can be well read!

It’s one woman (not women)?? Just wondering if I’m disagreeing with an AI here 😂

she doesn’t like the friendship that’s agreed, but was tolerating it until it was proposed the female friend play a major role in her wedding. That’s not controlling behaviour?

as for the fact OP has gone, I suspect she posted for support and not surprised she has gone, having had a significant proportion of posters tell her she is jealous and controlling for not wanting this friend to play a big role in her wedding. Which rightly or wrongly will definitely be a talking point on the day itself.

Where’s the unacceptable behaviour? The only person behaving unreasonably, by her own description of her behaviour, is OP. And “cool girl” absolutely is a silly childish insult in the same ilk as Karen. Perhaps you could reflect on that. It also suggests that anyone who says it has just run out of actual points to make (they rarely have an argument in the first place except “men and women being friends is bad”) and have resorted to name calling because their own insecurities get in the way of accepting other people have different outlooks and opinions, like a grown up. So in summary, grow up, I guess.

I think it's a bizarre thing to suggest. A friend of only 4yrs and someone you hardly know?

Just say no chance and if he persists question marrying him. It'd be a warning sign for what lays ahead if he's so stupid and inconsiderate.

Exactly - also, their own relationship with themselves.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling as a teenager so I totally get feeling insecure about one's looks but I worked on that and I can also say it's very cool to have gotten to a place where I don't see other beautiful women as threats or competition, nor do I think they're upstaging me if I stand next to them and nor do I think they're going to steal my man if they stand next to him.

People who disagree with opposite sex friendships are welcome to impose that belief on themselves but they really shouldn’t be dating or marrying people who have opposite sex friends and don’t think it’s an issue, then trying to impose their opinions on their partner.