DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

I certainly wouldn't want the focus of my wedding day being the novelty of an attractive young woman, of relatively limited relationship performing as 'best man'. Complete distraction from what the day should be about.
Is your H seriously claiming this woman is his closest friend in the world and no one else will do?

Actually a man who values you, will pander.

Pirsinally, labelling a woman with a valid grievance as insecure is ‘pick me’ behaviour.

Honestly, research has shown that male and female friendships rarely have zero agenda (there are exceptions, of course). My husband had a close female friend who he insisted was just a friend. Turns out they were having an emotional affair (imagine flirty texts and selfies all hours of the day like the beginning of a new relationship) and saying cruel things about me. He believed it was innocent until I turned the tables and he was horrified and immediately started apologising. I'd seriously consider whether this friendship will ever NOT be a cause for arguments OP, with or without the best man question. You have to be sure. It's a red flag to me that he's clinging onto this beautiful, clever woman, even when you've expressed concerns. Like he's keeping her near "just in case" she one day delares her love for him.

TBH I don't get why you're marrying this man when you don't really trust him and he makes you feel insecure. Sorry OP.

@MercurialMouse "Honestly, research has shown that male and female friendships rarely have zero agenda"

Having reached the grand old age of 69, I've witnessed this time and again. Hereto men rarely ever want to be "just friends" with women. Men view most women in some kind of sexual light or as a potential sexual conquest, even if they never actually make a move. They're hard wired to do so. I think a lot of women with good male friends would be amazed to learn that their ever so lovely friend "Nigel" would be like a rat up a drainpipe given half the chance.

Again. Not novel. In this day and age when people don’t stay where they grew up, where couples don’t have to live in each other’s others pockets. It’s perfectly feasible that the bridal party is not known to the wider guests and has a tenuous link to the soon to be spouse.

I didn’t know any of the people my ex went to uni with, even though they were a big part of his life. I don’t think he knew any of mine (neither does DH) in spite of the fact that they’re my oldest dearest friends (and alert the church elders, some of them are men!)

My DH had a best 'women' at our wedding. I was fine with it but never had any issues with her. If you are getting an ick from her, then absolutely she shouldn't be the best man.
FWIW one of my DHs female friends did give me the ick (even though I never met her). He stopped having contact, and is much happier for it.

@Happyhappyeveryday i think that's normal, very few people live in each others pockets

You barely know her. Regardless of his relationship with her I personally would not want someone involved in a key part of my wedding who I have only met a few times and have had an issue with in the past.

I wouldn’t marry someone if they had friendship that made me feel insecure

Literally no one will care unless they’re gossipy old witches and someone tells them that OP isn’t happy about it.

I was thinking the same.

Why be with someone you don’t trust?

It would be a dealbreaker for me if my spouse didn’t trust me around a friend of a different gender due to their own insecurities. Been there, done that, never again.

More fool him then. I (a woman) wouldn’t pander to it in a male or female partner (I’m bi) and if I was being unreasonable I’d want to be called out, not pandered to. I used to behave terribly in relationships due to poor mental health, including irrational jealousy, and it was only the fact I kept getting dumped that made me realise I was the problem, I got therapy, and now I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever had with a calm, jealousy and drama-free life. Looking back to how I used to behave, I wouldn’t have tolerated someone doing it to me, even back when I was nuts! Neither of us would ever think it reasonable to police each other’s friendships.

You don't really know her is reason enough , think about when you look at your wedding photos years down the line , will her being in the photos piss you off or make you happy. I think you have a gut feeling about her

Nope. Gossip is not just the preserve of older women so you can put your ageism and misogyny away. People of all ages and both sexes are distracted by novelty. Breeching the conventions and having a young attractive woman most people wouldn't even have known of prior to the day as your best man is noteworthy and distracts from the wedding.

No I would hate it and would expect my fiancé to respect my feelings even though he might think I was being unreasonable.

I completely disagree, and you’re right about the ageism and misogyny and for that I apologise. I was using it as a general term but you are correct

From reading your many posts on this thread, your 'therapy' appears to have taught you that you are the judge of whether somebody else's feelings are reasonable or unreasonable, and you feel free to disregard them based on that. I don't think that's particularly healthy tbh.

It’s his wedding day too

For me having someone who has been so important in my life (be that person male or female) next to me on that day would make it more special

I’ve just asked OH and she would be fine about it.

I’m entitled, as is everyone else here, to have an opinion on whether someone’s feelings are reasonable or unreasonable. When faced with a situation in real life that someone is expressing their feelings to me, my reaction depends on whether I think their complaint is reasonable or unreasonable, as I’m sure it does for everyone else. In my life I have, as I’m sure everyone else does, boundaries and red lines, and one of those is that I will never tolerate a partner telling me how to conduct my friendships. Nowhere have I said I am the ultimate feelings police or that my opinion is superior to anyone else’s, not sure why you’re making stuff up tbh.

edited to add that if you’re talking about where I said feelings arising from jealousy or insecurity can be disregarded? I stand by that. For me. Other people are welcome to behave differently.

Would you feel the same about someone you disliked standing up at the altar with you and your spouse?

They've fought about this person. She's a source of discord and the fiance wants to have her not just as a guest, but helping him get ready and right up there at the altar in the middle of their wedding.

I think the fiance is being unreasonable in wanting someone at the altar with him he knows OP doesn't like and is uncomfortable with. I get a bad vibe here.

Not really

If it was someone who was important to my OH I’d respect that

It doesn’t read to me that these two had fought about it - more than the OP feels insecure about this particular person

Which I get - but there are two sides to any argument/discussion

Presumably/I hope you accept that there are two people involved in a wedding and it’s not all about the bride’s feelings

I don't agree.

The DP or his friend have done absolutely nothing here. Absolutely nothing untoward or disrespectful towards the OP.

This is about her insecurity and she really needs to work on thay as being insecure in a relationship is a recipe for disaster and unhealthy.

I think the poster was just joking